Like a Baus
Like a Baus
Last edited by ol_sc; 05-10-2012 at 09:44 PM.
Ok Cody....but you and I will be the only ones who find the funny in this. Look what just arrived in the mail today.
Is that a 10?!
Gen 27:3 Take your weapons, your quiver and your bow-and go out into the fields and hunt some wild game.
BH #220 official entry!
A plane was taking off from Kennedy.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax.
- OH MY GOD!" Silence Then,
the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"
Aspiring beckerhead. As I spend WAYY too much time on this part of the forum.
A lot of these are from George Carlin, one of my favorite comedians and all around crazy smart guy. Rip
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Thanks for the chance man. Hope a few of these made ya laugh, they sure did for me just writing them out haha.
o and some random ones.... Just cause
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
More than 3 but who can put a limit on laughter!?
UCPOPO, is that handle missing part of the back end? Or was that the joke you were talking about?
Aspiring Beckerhead - Titties without nipples are just pointless..." Unknown
A preacher married the girl he loved. When they first moved in the wife asked her husband, "You see this wooden box? That is mine and I don't want you to ever open it up or ever look inside of it".
Her husband said, "I respect that, and I will never look inside of it".
Well 40 years go by, and the Devil, took control of the preacher, and made him open that wooden box. He found all denominations of money, change, dollar bills, fives, tens twenties, even fifty dollar bills, and three eggs. The preacher could not make sense of what this all meant. He broke down and told his wife when she got home that he had opened the box. So he asked what this was about?
She said, "Well every time you ever preached a bad sermon, I would put one egg in that box".
He said, "Praise the lord, forty years in the ministry, and I have only preached three bad sermons, Praise The Lord!!!!".
She told him, " Well honey, every time you would preach a bad sermon,an egg would go in. Whenever a dozen eggs got in there. I would sell em, and put that money into the box."
That is a story from the Great Late Jerry Clowers, one of my all time favorite comedians. Thanks for the chance at this give-a-way. If you have never listened to any of Jerry Clowers comedy, I highly recommend him.
"this one time, in band camp..."
oh wait nevermind, I just read the rules.
My knives, etc.: http://crosstownoutdoors.wordpress.com/
"You have to admit it's a good looking heart attack." --Tradewater
Aspiring Beckerhead entry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=TfftZm-JpoA link to video in case it doesn't play
Joke: An Irish guy walks out of a bar.
Joke: What's the difference between a dead dog on the road, and a dead lawyer on the road? Answer: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
-This here is how you use a fire extinguisher -And this is how you use the IPad newspaper ap. -To make you smile instead of laugh
Joke: The Flat Earth Society. Here is their website. http://theflatearthsociety.org/cms/ They actually believe the Earth is flat and they will fight it to the death. You should read their conspiracy theories as to why we think it's round.
Joke: Baseball is wrong; A man with four balls can not walk.
Thanks for the chance to win something!
Last edited by Doogoon; 05-08-2012 at 09:43 PM.
I saw this on Mad tv a couple years ago and thought it was hilarious.
This is not an entry. Hopefully things start looking up for ya.
Proud Supporter of JK Knives #94
Aspiring Beckerhead here...
Joke #1-Two guys walk into a bar... you think one of them would have seen it!
Joke #2-Two men walk into a cafe. The first man says "Bring me some H2O please." The second man says "I would like some H2O too"... The second man died!
Aspiring Beckerhead, me.
Dunno 'bout you, but this cracked me up.
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?" - Demetri Martin
#1. What kind of bees make milk?
#2. What do you get when you cross a KKK member with a pizza?
..... a White "Supreme"icist
Official Beckerhead entry #191
Whenever I'm feeling glum, I just look at a picture of an ugly baby. Then I feel better.
"Whenever I'm sad, I just start being awesome instead. True story."- Barney Stinson
Official beckerhead entry #198
1. How do you start a rave. In africa? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
2. Two guys walk into a strip club. The stripper takes of her.shirt and the guy in the second row cheers. She then takes off her underwear revealing she is wearing only pasties. The guy in the second row chees again.th The stripper then removes the pasties. And the guy in the.second row is completely silent. The guy in the first row then asks the.guy in the second row where his enthusiasm is. The guy in the second row chuckles and says dude its all over your back.
3. So a fly says to a mosquito. Hey you should be a lawyer. Then the mosquito replies"why not I'm already a bloodsucking parasite"
Last edited by buckmaster96; 05-08-2012 at 01:06 AM.
From the new Avengers movie, the CGI is da bomb
Gotta have EDC
Official entry, Beckerhead #97
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of vodka, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well whenever I find DCON, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder and snort it like cocaine.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and #$%@ the cat."
- - -
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
- - -
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
I've already given you my official entry. But this is my favorite bit from my favorite comedian. If you have a bit of a beer-gut you might relate more than you'd like to. Hope you feel better soon.
Last edited by Pug-butter; 05-08-2012 at 07:50 AM.
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