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fugawee

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One of the online groups I correspond with has
something called Bad Joke Friday
I thought it would be cool here if Jeremy didnt mind?



The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.



The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.



The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The
rabbit had it coming.



The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: " Alright, alright. I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
 
fugawee said:
one of the online groups i correspond with has
something called bad joke friday
i thought it would be cool here if jeremy didnt mind?



The nypd, the fbi, and the cia are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The president decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.



The cia goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.



The fbi goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing
everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The
rabbit had it coming.



The nypd goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: " alright, alright. I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
Click to expand...

umm.....no 5.00 beers for you...
 
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
 
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
bushcraftbraintrust said:
an 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." the next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"well, doc, it's like this--first i tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then i tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then i asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
the doctor was shocked! "you asked your neighbor?"
the old man replied, "yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Click to expand...

ok, beer for you now.....
 
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.
 
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
 
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
 
a priest a rabbi and a hooker walk into a bar and the the bartender looks up and says....

is this a joke?
 
4 guys and a girl are shipwrecked, stranded on a deserted island
after a week, the girl kills herself because she is so ashamed of what shes doing
after another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they bury her
after another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing, they dig her back up
 
fugawee said:
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup,
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted.

"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant,
and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,
"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry,
and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods,
and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear,
and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?"the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
replied the doctor.
Click to expand...

No beer --no cigars.........no
 
are rascist jokes allowed? cause i got some good ones, but i dont wanna offend no one who might take em the wrong way
 
nutnfancyfan said:
are rascist jokes allowed? cause i got some good ones, but i dont wanna offend no one who might take em the wrong way
Click to expand...

Were you going to make jokes about fat white guys? If so then no.......If your gonna make jokes about Jeremy, then go ahead, we can take it..........
 
Well said Carto.:thumbup::D Nutnfancy, I guess you've never seen a picture of me. I would avoid the racist jokes, especially when there are so many other good topics to joke about. Thanks
 
whats a blondes idea of safe sex? locking the car door

how do you tell if a blond has been playing video games? the joystick will be wet

what is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? hump me dump me

what do you call two nuns and a blonde? two tight ends and a wide reciever

how is a blond like the burmuda triangle? they both have swallowed tons of seamen

whats the difference between a blonde and your job? the job still sucks after six months
 
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