Maedieval TV Guide, from Renaissance Magazine

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The latest issue of Renaissance magazine has a Court Jester feature called "Medieval TV Guide". Here are a few of their listings:

Leave It To Beowulf Beowulf and Wally rip off Grendel's arm

Bewitched-comedy Samantha and Sabrina, the teenage witch, are burned at the stake

Raiding Spaces Two Viking families sack each other's thatched dwellings and redecorate

This Really, Really, Old House-instruction Digging a new moat; siege tower prevention

Saxons and the City-Season Premiere After he gives her a pair of Bruno Mali glass slippers to die for, Lady Carrie unlocks her chastity belt for Sir Big and then dishes the dirt over grog Cosmopolitan martinis with her three best wenchfriends
 
On Two Bells, Dan Rather presents memos showing that King Arthur, then Prince Author, had not actually completed his service at Camalot and that his father pulled strings to get him to be king.

Later that night...

The town cryer suggested that the illuminations in the alleged memos were not consistent with those used by the scribes at Camalot at that time and, in fact, could not have been produced by the quill pens in use at that time.

The next day...

Dan Rather asserts that the IBM Executive Quill could have produced the distinct script used on the memos.
 
New shows expected this season:

Cooking with Martin Luther - a high protein Diet of Worms

You Bet Your Life - playing for high stakes with Vlad Tepesh

And now the news:

The End is nigh! [uh-oh] ......... ... .
 
Esav Benyamin said:
New shows expected this season:

Cooking with Martin Luther - a high protein Diet of Worms

You Bet Your Life - playing for high stakes with Vlad Tepesh

And now the news:

The End is nigh! [uh-oh] ......... ... .

LOL you are TERRIBLE!!!! High stakes indeed...
 
We have a special tonight, an excerpt from Nobel-Prize-winning author Ivo Andric's book, "The Bridge on the Drina".

Taking place during the Turkish occupation of the Balkans, a local peasant named Radisav had sabotaged the bridge the Turks were building over the Drina River. He was caught, and impaled.

Radisav bent his head still lower and the gipsies came up and stripped off his cloak and his shirt. On his chest the wounds from the chains stood out, red and swollen. Without another word the peasant lay down as he had been ordered, face downward. The gipsies approached and the first bound his hands behind his back; then they attached a cord to each off his legs, around the ankles. Then they pulled outwards and to the side, stretching his legs wide apart. Meanwhile Merdjan placed the stake on two small wooden chocks so that it pointed between the peasant's legs. Then he took from his belt a short broad knife, knelt beside the stretched-out man and leant over him to cut away the cloth of his trousers and to widen the opening through which the stake would enter his body. This most terrible part of the bloody task was, luckily, invisible to the onlookers. They could only see the bound body shudder at the short and unexpected prick of the knife, then half rise as if it were going to stand up, only to fall back again at once, striking dully against the planks. As soon as he had finished, the gipsy leapt up, took the wooden mallet and with slow measured blows began to strike th lower blunt end of the stake. Between each two blows he would stop for a moment and look first at the body in which the stake was penetrating and then at the two gipsies, reminding them to pull slowly and evenly. The body of he peasant, spread-eagled, writhed convulsively; at each blow of the mallet his spine twisted and bent, but the cords pulled at it and kept it straight. The silence from both banks of the river was such that not only every blow but even its echo from somewhere along the steep bank could be clearly heard. Those nearest could hear how the man beat with his forehead against the planks, and, even more, another and unusual sound, that was neaither a scream, nor a wail, nor a groan, nor anything human; that stretched and twisted body emitted a sort of creaking and cracking like a fence that is breaking down or a tree that is being felled. At every second blow the gipsie went over to the stretched-out body and leant over it to see whether the stake was going in the right direction and when he had satisfied himself that it had not touched any of the more improtant organs he returned and went on with his work.

From the banks all this could scarcely be heard and still less seen, but all stood there trembling, their faces blanched and their fingers chilled with the cold.

For a moment the hammering ceased. Merdjan now saw that close to the right shoulder muscles the skin was stretched and swollen. He went quickly forward and cut the swollen place with two crossed cuts. Pale blood flowed out, at first slowly and then faster and faster. Two or three more blows, light and careful, and the iron-shod point of the stake began to break through at the place where he had cut. He struck a few more times until the point of the stake reached level with the right ear. The man was impaled on the stake as a lamb on the spit, only that the tip did not come through the mouth but in the back and had not seriously damaged the intestines, the heart or the lungs. Then Merdjan threw down the mallet and came nearer. He looked at the unmoving body, avoiding the blood which poured out of the places where the stake had entered and had come out again and was gathering in little pools on the planks. The two gipsies turned the stiffened body on its back and began to bind the legs to the foot of the stake. Meanwhile Merdjan looked to see if the man were still alive and carefully examined the face that had suddenly become swollen, wider and larger. The eyes were wide open and restless, but the eyelids were unmoving, the mouth was wide open but the two lips stiff and contracted and between them the clenched teeth shone white. Since the man could no longer control some of his facial muscles the face looked like a mask. But the heart beat heavily and the lungs worked with short, quickened breath. The two gipsies began to lift him up like a sheep on a spit. Merdjan shouted to them to take care and not shake the body; he himself went to help them. Then they embedded the lower, thicker end of the stake between two beams and fixed it there with huge nails and then behind, at the same height, buttressed the whole thing with a short strut which was nailed both to the stake and to a beam on the staging.

When that too had been done, the gipsies climbed down and joined the guards, and on that open space, raised a full eight feet upright, stiff and bare to the waist, the man on the stake remained alone. From a distance it could only be guessed that the stake to which his legs had been bound at the ankles passed right through his body. So the people saw him as a statue, high up in the air at the very edge of the staging, high above the river.
 
And this had started as a light and humorous thread. I guess I have some idea how JSMatos must be feeling about her humorous thread in the Political Forum. What kind of smiley do you use for a rueful expression?
 
That's ****ing gross....I can usually take some gore, but I couldn't help imagining the pain of that........

Not nice.

Ash
 
A few more Mediaeval TV Guide listings:

Nip and Friar Tuck Robin Hood invents plastic surgery to fool the Sheriff of Nottingham

NBC Knightly News

The Monks After being pressed into confessions by the Inquisition, Mike, Peter, Davy, and Mickey sing "I'm A Believer"

Buffy the Vlad Slayer Buffy must find a new prom date after Vlad Tepes impales her boyfriend (Ed. Cmt.: Please Esav's post #4, above, for gory, and I mean gory, details)

Merlin She Wrote Mystery writer Jessica the Fletcher is turned into a newt by Merlin
 
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