My best friend tried to kill himself

Ashes

Ashes

Joined
Aug 2, 2002
Messages
2,490
I just needed to tell someone. I hope you all don't mind...

What a wake-up call. I wish it had literally waken me up, because he called me at 3 a.m. and then three more times before 5:00 on Tuesday morning. I didn't get the messages until Tuesday evening after work because I didn't check my voice mail. When I did, I immediately called him back and got his voice mail. He is a truck driver and on the road most of the time, so he only has a cell phone number. His home is in Kentucky; mine is in Pennsylvania.

Normally he calls me back within a few hours, or at least by the end of the day. I called him eight times in two days with no response. He is not the type to be melodramatic or anything; he is usually funny and upbeat. By the next day I was panicking and I called information to get the names of hospitals in his area. No luck, so I called the police and had them send someone out to his house. They called me back and said that no one was home. He has two roommates, so I asked if they'd go back later and check again and leave a message with his roommates to call me. I didn't hear back but then I called the police again the next day and they still had no information on him.

Finally, after work on Thursday I saw his name on my caller ID. He had left a voice mail message telling me how sorry he was, that he didn't even remember calling me (he was obviously drunk that morning) and that he hadn't been able to get to his cell phone as he was held in the psychiatric ward at some hospital in Erie, PA for 48 hours. He has 15 stitches in his wrists. When I called him, he answered but he was with his brother and his brother's friend. He didn't want to talk in front of them, so he promised to call me as soon as he gets a minute alone.

I'm still not over feeling guilty. I can't help thinking, what if he hadn't gotten help in time and I was the last person he tried to call? I was like his "lifeline". I know he didn't want to die or he wouldn't have tried so urgently to get ahold of me. I can't imagine living without him being around, even while he is rarely close by... He is still very much a part of my life. I talk to him at least twice a week, we send each other letters and pictures, and he sends me CD's of music he's written and composed. He is too important of a person and too intelligent to do such a thing! Part of me is angry with him for putting me through that, but another part of me is angry with myself for thinking such selfish thoughts. He apologized profusely and I told him to not be sorry, that I was just glad he is okay, which is true.

I hope that I made him realize that he must never ever try something like that again, if not for his own sake, for the sake of people who love him. I don't think he realized how much people cared about him. He was literally amazed that I went through the trouble of calling long distance to hospitals and the cops and everything. I was amazed that he was amazed that I would do that! I do know that he felt very alone, and I feel so terrible that I wasn't able to help him at that time. I know what it feels like to feel that alone, but I know there is always some kind of way out and that things WILL get better if I force them to!

Anyway, I don't really have much of a point other than needing to get this stuff out, and I know there are a lot of really good people here who might understand that. Thanks for "listening" and remember to let the people you love know how much you love them.

~ashes
 
Most people who want to kill themselves call someone to let them know that they're gonna do it, not so that the callee can stop the caller... You might not have been able to stop him had he gotten hold of you... perhaps not getting ahold of you delayed his action. Think of it that way.
 
Well you know there are a lot of guys here that love you (but don't marry any of them). It is not your responsibility what others do in times of stress. He is alive and getting help. He did not talk to you so things worked out OK. If he had spoken to you he may have lasted a few more weeks but would have tried it anyway. Another scenario, he may have spoken to you and perceived your voice to be a goodbye. He may have been more successful ? You never know.Peoples heads are funny things.
 
I agree with Melancholy Mutt. I think that subliminally, people want to tell someone else what they are planning to do before they do it when it comes to something of this magnitude. They're looking for some support, even if they might think they want to kill themselves. This isn't the case all of the time, but I think that this was the case this time. If he wanted to kill himself badly enough, he could have, and I've got a feeling that he didn't because he couldn't get in touch with you. If he had been able to, for all you know he would have felt like he had said his goodbyes and he could go in peace. Don't blame yourself, I hope your friend can get the help that he needs and I trust that you will be a supporting figure in his life especially while he's trying to regain his stability. Good luck, I hope that he realizes that suicide is not the solution that he needs.
 
Wow, thanks. I didn't think of it that way that you all suggested, that he could have put off the "real" thing by not having said goodbye.

I do know that he didn't want to kill himself, but I do think he could have still done it even if it was sort of like accidentally going too far, if that makes sense. It makes me feel so bad thinking of how awful he must have felt. I'm so grateful for whatever it was that stopped it from happening.

I could write pages about what a great person this guy is and how smart, funny and talented he is, but you could never understand it without knowing him. I swear he could be famous if he wanted. I wish I could make him see himself that way.

~ashes
 
I agree with the other guys, you can't second guess how things worked out because its already over. There's nothing for you to feel guilty about because you did everything in your power to help him when you got the chance.
Talking to you may have postponed things, or like the other guys said it could have made him feel like he had wrapped everything up and was ready to really end it. In the end he is still alive, and whats important is to keep him from trying it again. It sounds like your doing your best to be there for him and that is all you can do. Don't let it get you down, you need to be strong your self if your going to try and help him.

Email me sometime if you feel like talking. I sent you one last monday, but you've obviously had a rough week, hope things get better for you and your friend.
 
Ashes,
The best thing you can do right now is be his friend right now. Obviously he called you because he knew you would listen. He trusts you. It speaks to your character. Stay true to him and let him know that he is valuable to YOU and how important he is in your life. Let him know the world is a better place because he is in it. And that he has to fight his issues for your sake because you love him..its the best you can do...

hang in there kiddo..and sleep tonite knowing you did the best you can do..
 
Our little 'gang' of a few years ago that used to train, eat, sleep and party together, lost one of it's members to suicide. He gave no warning and was drinking and laughing with us only a few hours before he drove his car into the bush and suffocated himself with a hose connected to his exhaust. His 50 page suicide note said that he had been planning it for a year. He chose the date because he knew his parents would be away and that it would take a few weeks for them to be notified.

I understand how you feel somehow responsible for his actions Ashes. With time you will see that you weren't. The good news is that it was spontaneous and insuccessfull attempt - a much different category from the pre-planned ones.
 
Glad it all turned out ok.

In my experience, people who truly do want to kill themselves will just do it. If a person is making a phone call, they're looking for help, and they're not really ready or capable yet of going through with it. There are, of course, exceptions to this, but they are extremely rare.
 
Sometimes when you have this gut feeling that a friend is in dire need of help. Stop and pray for him. Very often, for some strange reason, it helps.

Many years ago, an office colleague had almost no one to turn to, he walked to the nearest railway track and never came back.

I remember that incident well. Sometimes, some individuals are desperate. They will grasp at anything for a sign that they are not alone or hoping that someone out there cares. If such an individual comes our way, it is vital to let them know, you care or I care. :)
 
Ashes,

As a disinterested but not uninterested party, forgive me for making a dissenting observation:

You are a beautiful girl; he is a man who is in frequent contact with you. I know - based on almost 30 years' experience as a police officer - that threats of suicide are often used by the manipulative to influence people. Is there any chance that he wants to get closer to you than you are prepared to accept? Is it possible that you are content to be friends, but he isn't?

Without going into distasteful detail, cutting the wrist is an extremely inefficient way of ending one's life. Also, in my experience, "Talkers don't do, and doers don't talk."

As he is someone who's on the road a great deal, I'm sure that he could have arranged things to ensure that his attempt was successful.

You and I have never met, yet from your posts I get the impression of an emotional and compassionate woman. Perhaps someone whose degree of empathy could be misread by a man?

Once again, please forgive me if I am out of line. Although we will never meet, I consider you a friend. I'd hate it if a misguided compassion led you to being a marionette with a needy man pulling the strings.

maximus otter
 
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