A little Irish Humor

Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith

Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith

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A little Irish humour - These are some of the funniest jokes I have heard in years.
Enjoy,


Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th

"Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"


Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
 
My neighbor is an Irish immigrant. His accent makes all his jokes funnier.
 
Stacy......as a bloke with the last name McCargar, which is Scottish.....I have to say that you are right on target! :) Those Irish boys are downright goofy!!
 
I am reminded of a story my neighbor (the Irish guy) told me. True story. In his younger years, he had a job in a factory as a maintenence worker. He was training a new kid one day and had to go up a ladder 25ft to fix an overhaed crane or something. The kid was new so his job was to sit on the bottom of the ladder. As he sat he took out his papers to roll a cigarette(they could do that in the shop back then). This kid was full of piss and vinegar, my neighbor added. Well, not too long after, a gentleman in a fancy pinstriped suit came walking along... "The Manager"(I guess there was a huge separation of classes back then... the managers where all high-class snobs and the workers were dirt poor) As this kid sat there taking drags off his smoke, the manager walked by, looking directly at him. The rebelious teenager calls out (Thick Irish accent) "What are yeeew lookin'at?" To which the manager pauses for a moment, gives a sarcastic sneer and says, "Do you know who I am, lad?". The kid also gives a pause and a sneer, spits on the ground, looks up the ladder at my neighbor and yells, "Jimmy... there's some daft c@#t in a suit down here who doesn't know who the f@#k he is!"

True story. Like I said, the Irish accent is everything.
 
Guys
Thanks for the humor. But there is nothing like living and working here in Ireland for the humor/craic. The accents really help, but at times if the person is from Donegal or Cork, you might think they are talking a different language.
 
A Brit, a Scot and an Irishman are drinking at the pub. The Brit spies a fly in his beer, turns up his nose and demands a fresh one. Scot sees one in his beer too, shrugs and drinks it anyway. The Irishman finds a fly in his beer, drags it out and begins screaming, "spit it out, you ***********!"
 
an Irishman a Brit and a Frenchman are walking on the beach and find a lamp. They start cleaning it up and out comes a Gene. Having 3 wishes he grants them one each. The Frenchman wishes that all the river in France flow with wine. The Brit wishes for an unpenetrable wall 500 ft high around England to protect her from her enemies for ever. The Irishman ask if the wall is water proof, when the Gene assures him it is, he says "fill her up".
 
ib2v4u said:
an Irishman a Brit and a Frenchman are walking on the beach and find a lamp. They start cleaning it up and out comes a Gene. Having 3 wishes he grants them one each. The Frenchman wishes that all the river in France flow with wine. The Brit wishes for an unpenetrable wall 500 ft high around England to protect her from her enemies for ever. The Irishman ask if the wall is water proof, when the Gene assures him it is, he says "fill her up".
Click to expand...

As an Irishman myself...that is one of the best I've heard.
 
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