A member here asked me about Reactive Attachment Disorder, a condition where primarily adopted children have extreme difficulty bonding with their adoptive parents. Some Attachment Therapists whom I know have organized the Attachment Disorder Support Group for such parents and this is on their web site. It brought tears to my eyes and I wanted to share it. For any interested in it, the organization's web address is http://adsg.syix.com/
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A Message From The Heart
- Thread starter FullerH
- Start date
We adopted my daughter at age 4 and 1/2. A beautiful child, she seemed to have a wisdom and a capacity for manipulating and using people far beyond her years. She refused to bond with us, and actively resisted our efforts at affection. She could be on the surface very charming, while underneath being cynical and manipulative. Her approach to life was to defy all authority, be it parents, teachers, the law, or God. If it was forbidden, she was determined to do it. We sought out counselors for many years, and none of them could put a dent in her behavior. It was only well into her teenage years, after the drug dealing, the gangs, the breaking and entering, the shoplifting, the cruelty to animals and small children, the assaults on others at school and on me and my wife, that we heard of Reactive Detachment Disorder. We discovered that she had experienced early childhood neglect, if not outright abuse, from a schitzophrenic mother. We had a psychologist of very good reputation tell us that it was too late for her to be treated for RAD, and she spoke these chilling words, "This is where serial killers come from. Watch out for yourself."
In my opinion and experience, RAD is very real and is extremely difficult with which to deal.
How did she turn out? She came to the very edge of death after being struck by a hit and run driver at age 21. Suffering severe brain stem damage, coming through a coma and then a persistent vegetative state, she has made miraculous progress at recovery. Her iron will and survival instincts have stood her in good stead. Confined to a wheelchair and unable to speak, she exhibits a beauty and sereneness of spirit that is almost beyond belief if you had formerly known her. She credits God with her survival, and tells this, through writing and sign language, to everyone she meets. She has also repeatedly stated that she would rather be like she is now than like she was then. Since I am retired and my wife still works, I am the full-time caregiver. My daughter and I spend our days together. We have a relationship that I could only wish for all fathers and daughters, except for the disability part of it.
When I search for words to describe her complete transformation of spirit and serenity of soul, the most descriptive phrase I can come up with is, born again.
In my opinion and experience, RAD is very real and is extremely difficult with which to deal.
How did she turn out? She came to the very edge of death after being struck by a hit and run driver at age 21. Suffering severe brain stem damage, coming through a coma and then a persistent vegetative state, she has made miraculous progress at recovery. Her iron will and survival instincts have stood her in good stead. Confined to a wheelchair and unable to speak, she exhibits a beauty and sereneness of spirit that is almost beyond belief if you had formerly known her. She credits God with her survival, and tells this, through writing and sign language, to everyone she meets. She has also repeatedly stated that she would rather be like she is now than like she was then. Since I am retired and my wife still works, I am the full-time caregiver. My daughter and I spend our days together. We have a relationship that I could only wish for all fathers and daughters, except for the disability part of it.
When I search for words to describe her complete transformation of spirit and serenity of soul, the most descriptive phrase I can come up with is, born again.
MikeH said:We adopted my daughter at age 4 and 1/2. A beautiful child, she seemed to have a wisdom and a capacity for manipulating and using people far beyond her years. She refused to bond with us, and actively resisted our efforts at affection. She could be on the surface very charming, while underneath being cynical and manipulative. Her approach to life was to defy all authority, be it parents, teachers, the law, or God. If it was forbidden, she was determined to do it. We sought out counselors for many years, and none of them could put a dent in her behavior. It was only well into her teenage years, after the drug dealing, the gangs, the breaking and entering, the shoplifting, the cruelty to animals and small children, the assaults on others at school and on me and my wife, that we heard of Reactive Detachment Disorder. We discovered that she had experienced early childhood neglect, if not outright abuse, from a schitzophrenic mother. We had a psychologist of very good reputation tell us that it was too late for her to be treated for RAD, and she spoke these chilling words, "This is where serial killers come from. Watch out for yourself."
In my opinion and experience, RAD is very real and is extremely difficult with which to deal.
How did she turn out? She came to the very edge of death after being struck by a hit and run driver at age 21. Suffering severe brain stem damage, coming through a coma and then a persistent vegetative state, she has made miraculous progress at recovery. Her iron will and survival instincts have stood her in good stead. Confined to a wheelchair and unable to speak, she exhibits a beauty and sereneness of spirit that is almost beyond belief if you had formerly known her. She credits God with her survival, and tells this, through writing and sign language, to everyone she meets. She has also repeatedly stated that she would rather be like she is now than like she was then. Since I am retired and my wife still works, I am the full-time caregiver. My daughter and I spend our days together. We have a relationship that I could only wish for all fathers and daughters, except for the disability part of it.
When I search for words to describe her complete transformation of spirit and serenity of soul, the most descriptive phrase I can come up with is, born again.
Wow, MikeH my hat is off to you and your wife.
Yes, RAD is very real and very discouraging for the adoptive parents. I cannot tell you how much crying my wife and I have done over our daughter. She is from the warzone in El Salvador, an abandoned child that it took us 18 months to get out AFTER she had been assigned to us. We got her out in 12/89 and she was 3 years old. She has, twice only, told us that she saw her mother shot down in fron of her and she was then placed in an orphanage. Because of the war and one Jennifer Casolo, an American woman caught helping the rebels, the government would allow only one of us into the country to get here and would allow that person to stay only two nights, so we were never allowed to do the usual adoption routine of letting the child get to know us before we took her out of the orphanage. Essentiallly, what we were forced to do was a legal child snatch with all of the trauma that you can envisage.
We were more fortunate than Mike in that she has not had any run-ins with the legal authorities, although we have had some trouble with her stealing from family and some in school. But we caught those before they got to official levels. We went through 3 pshrinks before we were put in contact with the RAD therapists and I can only thank God for those two women, Amy Grier and Kathy Moss, they are wionderful!! We started our daughter's therapy in time for it to really help her in growing up, but it is still a constant fight in many of the areas discussed on that web page.
Mike, my heart goes out to you.
We were more fortunate than Mike in that she has not had any run-ins with the legal authorities, although we have had some trouble with her stealing from family and some in school. But we caught those before they got to official levels. We went through 3 pshrinks before we were put in contact with the RAD therapists and I can only thank God for those two women, Amy Grier and Kathy Moss, they are wionderful!! We started our daughter's therapy in time for it to really help her in growing up, but it is still a constant fight in many of the areas discussed on that web page.
Mike, my heart goes out to you.