Admit One a poem by T. Erdelyi

T. Erdelyi

T. Erdelyi

Joined
Feb 3, 2001
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All right folks I'm gonna put myself out there something I've never done in 40+ years, I'm gonna share a poem I wrote in Europe over the summer.

I've been writing poetry, songs and short stories all my life and I've only ever shared them with my family.

Writing became a way for me to express myself after my Old Man died in a plane crash when I was 15, so here's a dark piece ifelt like sharing for the first time, tell me what ya think, did it kinda creep ya out, make ya laugh or just seem like something a moron wrote.

I'm layin' myself bare be honest and I'll share more.

There's a place I go where you can never see,
a place where the dark smells like death
brought in on webbed wings.

Where a heartbeat's just a measure of time
and if your lucky
you take your lickin' and keep on tickin'.

Hell's just a place to rest a while
and put your feet up on the way to my playground,
complete insanity.

Hang on while you wander in the carnival of my madness,
there are many rides to terrorize you
and amuse me.

A Funhouse full of horror,
where death and uncertainty are the least of your worries
and your screams,
a symphony to my ears.

The admission price, your soul.
A small price to pay for my audience,
an eternity of pleasure and pain
all for my entertainment.​
Written by T.A. Erdelyi 6-14-2006
 
I liked it. I have always enjoyed classic dark/haunting/horror literature. Not a big poetry fan but I found yours to be very accessible.

I always thought of you as more of a Grateful Dead kind of guy, never suspected that there was a Slayer fan hidden deeper inside. ;)
 
It exposes a side of you that we don't normally get to see. I can relate to the darkness and the fear, the emotion of it all but "webbed wings"?
 
Ok a little more self exposure.....

Do you hear what I hear? By T.A. Erdelyi written December 2001​

You ever wonder what it was that fills your mind with screams,
You search inside your vacant head, but nothing’s, as it seems,
The mindless chatter from the voices, you wonder what it means,
They taunt and then make fun of you , invade your darkest dreams

Still round, and round, they run inside, your head till light of day,
The voices try to make some sense, with nothing left to say,
I often sit and ponder at the thoughts put into play,
Somehow the rants and ravings keep’s my sanity at bay.

Now, one by one, I knock them down, and take them all apart,
You’d think that the beginning, was the wisest place to start,
Yet in the end we all pretend we’re bandits of the heart,
Unfurl the sail, steer clear of jail and find a course to chart.

You ever wonder what it was that got you up today,
What prompted you to roll from bed when nothing seemed OK
Sometimes you think your better off if in the bed you’d stay.
Just tell ‘em all that mommy said, “you can’t go out to play”
 
Please realize that I am not a literary critic, in fact there are those that will say that I am illiterate but I liked the second one better than the first. I especially like the last stanza. "Just tell ‘em all that mommy said, “you can’t go out to play”" Nice!!!
 
I'm with kamkazmoto - I preferred the second poem over the first. In fact, I really dug the second one :thumbup: I've been reading an anthology of Robert Service lately, and he's all about rhyme and meter. Your second poem had a pleasant cadence, which was offset well by the tumultuous subject matter. Good job :)
 
I felt that it sounds like some struggling to deal with his thoughts and feelings, many of which he is afraid of. And also wondering about death, and what it is like. I liked it, it is honest, if that makes sense.

I liked the second one too. It sounds like you are really trying to understand yourself and questioning/ analyzing your every thought, and feeling.

Thank you for sharing both of those.
 
I don't usually post here, but I thought I'd chime in. I really like them. TKC took the words out of my mouth; I think it really portrays mental hardships most of us face with every day. The wonder and fear of death, the indescribable thoughts that pass through our minds, and what's left in their wake. Very descriptive and intriguing all the same. :thumbup:
 
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