Aged parents

David Stifle

David Stifle

Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
10,188
I'm not a young guy any more, 62, but not really old either. My Mom is 80, and my Dad is 88, almost 89. There only source of income is social security, plus whatever my Brother and I send to help out. I know when one of them goes we will have to either take the survivoring parent in, or more likely, put them in a nursing home. That hurts, both emotionally and financially.

I was wondering how many of you fellas are going through this too?

Dave
 
Fellas,

Not sure if my above post was badly worded, or perhaps a subject people don't want to easily discuss, or more likely, just not an issue most guys on this sub-forum have to deal with. Still, most makers are a pretty chatty lot, and I was hoping to gain some insight from others experience. But it this goes around again and starts to sink like last time, guess I need to go to the AARP (LOL).

Take care,

Dave
 
My parents are younger... mid 70s. My father retired several years ago with very little savings. They cut expenses to the bone, and have social security and VA benefits... maybe some other meager source of income.

Recently my father was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer that had already spread to some bones (but no organs yet). Medicaid and VA benefits cover the health care bills, thankfully. But somehow, money just doesn't rise to the top of the problem list any more.

I guess the underlying message is be thankful if that is the worst problem they are facing.

- Greg
 
I see what you are saying. Greg, I'm sorry to hear that and hope all goes well for your folks. Yes, money is only a small part of the overall issues surrounding the aging of our parents. Disease, mental facilities decreasing, just plain old helplessness in some cases. I've heard of our generation (baby boomers) called the between generation, because in some cases our grown children move back in while we are also taking care of parents.My kids are doing well, thank Goodness, so...well, again, I hope your Dad recovers. Guess we get so wrapped up in our own situation, sometimes we don't realize others may have it worse. I realize what a hard subject this is to discuss, I'm not sure I should have brought it up. I'll just leave it to you folks.

Dave
 
It can go well or it can go real bad , either way it is tough . A lot depends on how you and the whole family emotionally deal with it .
 
True, Jack, on the plus side, I just came back from working out at my local community center, and there were quite elderly people (70's, 80's) happily playing wiffle ball, even lifting weights. There's even a very old gal with a walker who slowly walks around the indoor track. Makes me feel good.

Dave
 
I will add that my parents had my grandmother installed into a nursing home about four years ago, so I know at least some aspects of the problem you are facing. At the time she was living with my parents, and felt all was well. She was MOST unhappy to be pushed into a nusing home, but the simple underlying truth was that she needed more or less constant management, and my parents were not up to the task.

When they went shopping for the facility to use there were several factors to consider. First was the reputation of the facilities, vis-a-vis the rumors of abuse of the elderly, the quality of the health care provided, the friendliness of the staff, and so on. The second of course was the cost of the facility. To their surprise, the two sets of issues were not directly linked... by that I mean we discovered that the best facility was NOT the most expensive facility. The key message here is do your shopping, get as much referral information as possible from people you know and trust.

When the move occurred, my grandmother went kicking and screaming. Once she got into the facility there was a period of several months which could best be described as clinical depression. She lost her appetite, lost weight, didn't want to talk to anyone, and resisted the ministrations of the staff. My parents considered taking her out, but they KNEW that was not the best approach for anyone concerned.

One of the key problems was her roomate... they didn't get along. Once she was moved to a different room with more compatible roomate, things began to improve. She went back to eating again, demonstrated a better general attitude toward the staff, and began participating in their activities.

So the second underlying message is once you've made a choice on facility, monitor the progress and make sure you fine tune as much as possible their experience. Also, don't give in when they seem to push back by demonstrating resistance or showing signs of depression. Treat these as steps along the road, and help them work through the issues in order to get to the happier place.

In the end, the nursing home is the best option for those that cannot attend to their own needs, and cannot rely on direct family to do it for them. Whether they accept it or not, the truth is the truth.

- Greg
 
Greg,

That's really good info, thanks. I know we will more than likely have to go down a similiar road. My Dad is pretty feeble anymore. Then again, my Greatgrandmother lived to 99, so the old man may be around for awhile. But if he does last another ten years, a good part of that time may be in a nursing home. It's good to know that quality and price aren't completely linked.

There's insurance one can buy that helps with the cost of nurses, home care, even nursing homes. But it's loaded with conditions, limited time, caps, etc as well as being expensive as hell. I can't afford it.

Dave
 
I feel for you David. My Father is 80 and has Alzheimer's and my father in law 88 with not the best of health and slowly loosing his eyesight. They are both in homes and it is emotionally draining, even if money is not a problem. Don't get me wrong they are not rich by any stretch of the imagination but enough to get by.

I can't offer any advices but you'll be in my prayers my friend.
 
Thank you very much, Patrice

But I don't think I'm in any worse situation than a lot of other people.

I don't think my dad has alzhiemers, or maybe he does to some extent. His likes and dislikes have changed, for example, he always used to like vetables, now he says he hates them, I could go on. The thing about getting this old is everything starts to go, eyesight, hearing, mobility. I just pray that if I start to get that way the good Lord will take me first.

It's funny, I'm working out like a madman, running, weights, etc. When I was younger, I;d rather hit the bar after work, now I go to the gym :) Hopefully, a good lifestyle may help a little, sure as heck can't hurt.

Dave
 
Tryppyr gave you a good story , I'll give you the other side . My father-in-law 72 , 6'5" tall 235#'s healthy as a good horse but , full blown Parkinsons with dementia . We had to put him in a home as mom suffered heart failure taking care of him like that for 7 yrs. He got really angry when he realized we were leaving him in a home and then I guess he gave up . He died 5 yrs. later , 145#'s . It was ugly .

He needed 24 hr care though as he would get up in the middle of the night and wonder off . They lived in a small town and we could not find a live in care taker . Mom told us to do this as she knew she would die if not . Imagine how hard it was for her . plus it was $50,000.00 a year .

Now you have heard the rest of the story .
 
Jack,

what a hearbreaking story! Yes, now I have heard both sides. Thank you for sharing. I wish all of you the best.

Dave
 
Dave,
I have gone threw this with my mother-in-law. At first it was hard. Then she made friends and it became home. My advice visit often. Make suprise visits. I think the transition is easyer if they don't feel you just dumped them there. If you pick the right home it will work out. But, there will be resistance at first.
 
Mom is in her 80's she lives in a senior's housing complex after having to sell her home she lived in for 42 years. That was difficult, having to decide what to keep and what had to go, she collected alot during those years and the new place she moved in is small.

She still drives her car, and we kept the family camp which is 52 years old. We leave her at the camp all summer and bring her supplies. In spring she gets excited just like a little girl about opening up camp. Out there she keeps busy, picking up wood for the stove, making puzzles and taking dips into the lake, I believe this is what keeps her going each year.

Dad died 14 years ago after a long stuggle with cancer, but it didn't take long for Mom to rediscover life again. She enjoys life, and I make sure things like her water pump, wood stove are in good working order, and spend alot of time with her since I am retired. However much of the time she is on her own enjoying her independance.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top