- Joined
- Aug 18, 2005
- Messages
- 294
This might come off as a rant or whine, but it's more of a sudden self revelation. I really do hope that the moderators let it stay here in Community.
This weekend, I decided to stay home and spend time with my two brothers instead of go out and get completely zonked to the gills with my friends. An incident last weekend involving me and a friend shook me to the core and made getting trashed loose all it's appeal. This incident has moved me to no longer want anything to do with the crowd I once called my friends.
As a child, I was a loner. A nerd in my own right, I never fit in. Then In my teens, they "adopted" me. They taught me things I needed to know. At least what I thought were things I needed to know. What started off as a feeling of belonging ended in a feeling of wondering what in God's name they put in my head. They taught me that the best way to escape depression or anxiety or trauma wasn't by talking about it, or seeking advice from people who had been there. They taught me the best escape was via alcohol and drugs. They taught me that the best way to earn respect and keep people from provoking you wasn't thru avoiding trouble and being nice and respectful. They taught me that to earn respect you had to use violence as a means of putting in line anyone who crossed you. They taught me that if I messed up and got locked up, when I got out I'd be "The Man." And that it was a very admirable and cool thing to have happen to you.
Over the years, I watched my friends get farther and farther into drugs and violence and other messed up stuff. They also tightened their grip on me as I was the youngest and most impressionable at the time. I watched them go in and out of jail, and for a few, prison. At eighteen, my best friend and mentor got ten to twenty five for stabbing two men in a fight. At the time, I admired and respected him, and up until not too long ago, I wanted to be just like him. But now, I'm the age he was when this happened, and I realize there is nothing to admire or respect about who he is and where he is now.
My so called friends were never my friends. They used me because of the influence my family had in the right places. They used me because I was the clean cut one who, when with them, made them look less suspect. They used me because I was still young and naive and wouldn't question any order they gave me because of this. They tried to dictate how I lived my life. Who my friends and enemies were, what jobs I could and couldn't have, what women I could and couldn't date. They ordered me to do things I had absolutely no wish to do and when I questioned them or refused, they verbally, and occasionally physically abused me into compliance. And at a time when I'd hit an all time personal low in my life, rather than try to actually help me out and offer me some solid advice, they simply suggested I self terminate soley for the fact that my situation "made them look bad." In retrospect, I was nothing more than a little Beagle dog hanging out with a pack of wreckless, bloodthirsty wolves.
The fact that I hung out with them as long as I did and did some of the things they did and I'm not dead or locked up truely is a miracle. I was born and raised in Paradise City, and at the age of twenty four, I'm alive and I'm not behind bars. While some people may say "so what ?" to that, rest assured that around here, that is no small feat. I thank my lord and saviour he has granted me the chance that so many young men my age don't get around here and will take advantage of this. I have two younger brothers, who sadly admire my friends the same way I did when I was their age. I will do whatever I must to make sure they don't walk the same path I did and see to it that I take advantage of the second chance I was given to count my blessings, grow up, and start all over again. Thanks for listening guys.
Andrew
This weekend, I decided to stay home and spend time with my two brothers instead of go out and get completely zonked to the gills with my friends. An incident last weekend involving me and a friend shook me to the core and made getting trashed loose all it's appeal. This incident has moved me to no longer want anything to do with the crowd I once called my friends.
As a child, I was a loner. A nerd in my own right, I never fit in. Then In my teens, they "adopted" me. They taught me things I needed to know. At least what I thought were things I needed to know. What started off as a feeling of belonging ended in a feeling of wondering what in God's name they put in my head. They taught me that the best way to escape depression or anxiety or trauma wasn't by talking about it, or seeking advice from people who had been there. They taught me the best escape was via alcohol and drugs. They taught me that the best way to earn respect and keep people from provoking you wasn't thru avoiding trouble and being nice and respectful. They taught me that to earn respect you had to use violence as a means of putting in line anyone who crossed you. They taught me that if I messed up and got locked up, when I got out I'd be "The Man." And that it was a very admirable and cool thing to have happen to you.
Over the years, I watched my friends get farther and farther into drugs and violence and other messed up stuff. They also tightened their grip on me as I was the youngest and most impressionable at the time. I watched them go in and out of jail, and for a few, prison. At eighteen, my best friend and mentor got ten to twenty five for stabbing two men in a fight. At the time, I admired and respected him, and up until not too long ago, I wanted to be just like him. But now, I'm the age he was when this happened, and I realize there is nothing to admire or respect about who he is and where he is now.
My so called friends were never my friends. They used me because of the influence my family had in the right places. They used me because I was the clean cut one who, when with them, made them look less suspect. They used me because I was still young and naive and wouldn't question any order they gave me because of this. They tried to dictate how I lived my life. Who my friends and enemies were, what jobs I could and couldn't have, what women I could and couldn't date. They ordered me to do things I had absolutely no wish to do and when I questioned them or refused, they verbally, and occasionally physically abused me into compliance. And at a time when I'd hit an all time personal low in my life, rather than try to actually help me out and offer me some solid advice, they simply suggested I self terminate soley for the fact that my situation "made them look bad." In retrospect, I was nothing more than a little Beagle dog hanging out with a pack of wreckless, bloodthirsty wolves.
The fact that I hung out with them as long as I did and did some of the things they did and I'm not dead or locked up truely is a miracle. I was born and raised in Paradise City, and at the age of twenty four, I'm alive and I'm not behind bars. While some people may say "so what ?" to that, rest assured that around here, that is no small feat. I thank my lord and saviour he has granted me the chance that so many young men my age don't get around here and will take advantage of this. I have two younger brothers, who sadly admire my friends the same way I did when I was their age. I will do whatever I must to make sure they don't walk the same path I did and see to it that I take advantage of the second chance I was given to count my blessings, grow up, and start all over again. Thanks for listening guys.
Andrew
) against your former "friends". You will show everyone who finds out about it -- and they will -- that you will never be a "man" worthy of respect. Yeah, you could go that route, but I think it should only be considered as one of your very last options.