Almost 4 months since....

B

Bill Sanders

Joined
Aug 18, 2003
Messages
580
It's been over 3 months, heck, almost 4 months, since I left Iraq. It doesn't seem that long. I still drive in the center lanes of the highways (did this in Iraq to avoid IED's on the sides), I still scan the roadsides for unusuall items (could be IED's in Iraq), and I find myself scanning rooftops for snipers. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and find myself looking for my M-16. I guess it will take a while to break habits formed in a combat zone.
I thought I'd fully re-intigrated into civilian life until I attended an awards/welcome home ceremony the other day. I was in uniform, DCU's (Desert Combat Uniform), the same uniform that I wore in Iraq. There were combat buddies from my unit there, as well as my CO (Commanding Officer) and they all were also in uniform. It felt as if I'd only been away from them for a week or two. Suddenly my mind was back in full on combat operation mode. Will it take me a year to get rid of the combat formed habits? Or will I be recalled again before they go away completely? Will the combat senses ever completely go away? I hope that some do not. All good questions that will take some time for me to answer. Meanwhile, I am still not sleeping at night. If I get 5 solid hours of sleep, I am happy. I have difficulty concentrating. I cannot seem to find any passion for my civilian job. I am very impatient and indifferent to other people and their problems. For about half the time I've been back I was drinking heavily. It was not unusual for me to drink 8 beers every night, sometimes up to a 12 pack a night.Happy to say that the drinking has slowed down to about a 12 pack a week now, with most of that occuring on Saturday.
I never had these problems when I returned from Desert Storm. Same desert, same country. MUCH different combat zone, and I was a MUCH younger soldier then.

Not asking or looking for sympathy here, just putting my thoughts out there for others to read and possibly learn from.

Bill

 
I'm glad to see you are dealing with the changes without being hampered by booze. Nothing like adding booze to a crappy situation to really muck things up.
I don't think almost 4 months is a long time to get out of an intense battle field mindset.
Hang in there.
 
Your sacrifice is much appreciated. God help you, and the rest of our boys to come home and find happiness. If there is anything you need, just ask. Thanks for posting this. Its hard to imagine what you're going through. The perspective you've given is valuable.
 
Bill,

My thoughts are with you, man. So far, I've had it easier than you did, though it is getting more dangerous here.

Desert Storm was of an entirely different nature, with clearer adversaries and shorter-term goals. I despair of us/US accomplishing anything positive, but if we leave now, we certainly will not.
---
I don't know if this will work for you, but I am really looking forward to being able to spend some time in the woods, with just a few friends for company. No damn dust; no IEDs; no snipers, just glorious foliage all around.

Have you tried it?

John
 
I appreciate your sharing your experiences. Thank you for your service. I hope you find your peace.

Eric
 
Bill,

My friend Betty said it took her husband like 5 years to stop circling a parking lot and scoping it out before he parked after he returned from Vietnam. Takes time I guess. Better you developed those habits in the first place so you made it back safe to us. We'da missed the hell out of you if you hadn't come back:thumbup:
 
Thanks for your service, Bill. I would imagine having to look at all civilians initially as the enemy will make it hard to readjust. Sounds like your doing it though. Don't hesitate to take advantage of any military services and talk to someone. I'm sure there are a lot of guys been through it too. Thanks again and God bless.
Terry
 
Appreciative thanks for your service...

Time heals; hoping it heals you quick.

Time off? Travel? Fishing or whatever you like to do, do it: you've earned a break.


Mike
 
IMHO Spectre hit the nail on the head.

We have a friend of the family that just cameback from there, and was having very similar troubles adjusting. My parents invited him and his wife to spend a week at the family cabin that's about 200 miles away from here and wayyyy deep in the boondocks and away from everybody. Not much to do but fish, explore, read a good book, and watch the sunset. They say he came back a new man, and can't thank my parents enough for inviting him up there. (this was a couple months ago, and he's still doing much better)

A similar outing may be worth consideration.

I hope you're soon able to keep the good stuff and roundfile the bad stuff from over there.
 
Bill Sanders, I thank you for your service.

I can't know what you are going through. But I would like to say something about the hurt or trauma life throws at us. Very few of my friends have not been traumatized by something. Some of them got raped. Some lived in the mean streets of San Bernardino and saw things they will never forget. Anyone know what it's like to pull up to a light and NEVER put your eyes on the occupants in the car next to you because you don't want to be shot by the gang members there? Everything you said about hyper scanning the surroundings is exactly what I used to do all the time living across the street from Waterman Gardens in SB.

Hollowdweller in another thread talked about displaced and alienated persons who lost their jobs for Coperate greed. That's real. Sometimes I think the whole damn world is alienated. My wife was lied about by her superior in a mental health facility in Idaho. She lost her job with no warning. We were about to buy a house. We left with no money, and a two week old baby to Wyoming.

What about all the walking wounded from crap upbringing?
I never recovered from my public education. And dysfunctional families...geeze, a smorgesboard crapshoot.

Back in the days I still had a IQ, and I was young, it was very hard to talk to my peers. I was a stranger in a strange land.
That's long gone, but the biggest challenge of my life has never left: drinking.

I remember being so disapated people would cross the street rather than pass me on the sidewalk. That sounds funny, but there comes a time with substance abuse when you are living out a nightmare, and every day is a new trauma. I was so gone even Gangmembers ignored me- being a street bum makes you almost person non grata.


Then 10 years in Acute Psychiatric wards, (no, not as a patient!) I can never forget. I can't forget the fighting, the institutional abuse of the nurses on the floor, thrown in a snake pit without enough staff so patients get hurt and staff gets 'traumatized." Day in and day out. Damn that County- they made bucks from teh State and Feds, while psychotics slept next to toilets on the floor just like inmates in Jail.

Oh, and good old jail. I still have a few scars from the fights there. You can't stay drunk all the time without eventually going to jail...

Know the people in the rural West do? They pray. That may sound like a cop out, maybe it is, but at least they recognize something denied by the larger society; that normal life is not normal. There is no normal life. I asked my wife once, the Christian, why everything was so 'f'd up. "Because evil is loose in the world,: she told me, and I've never had reason to doubt it.

My examples are not the same thing as being shot at or bombed while in Iraq. Im not saying they are. I know many ex servicemen feel no civilian could ever understand. That is probalby true. But I know what it is like not to know if you are going to be shot while walking home everyday.

I don't really know you well, Bill, but pre Iraq i thought of you as pretty decent and adjusted. (never pegged you for adjustment disorder- LOL)
I admire you for your service, and talking about it in this thread. I want to say the mess I got into with drinking is an everday affair. I have to invent and find ways to live every damn day. How's that for being inhumane, displaced and alienated? And it will not go away. It's here to stay.

For a while, you are going to have to do that too. You are going to have to intentionally and purposefully make meaningful choices in your day and life to get past this thing. But you will. Bringing it to the forum as you did shows you already are.
If I've made life too dramatic and overplayed the heavy part, it is my limit as a writer. The truth is life is horrific and mindkilling, as well as wonderful and golden. It is an untenable alchemy. But if I downplayed the hard part, I'd be lying and equally a poor writer for leaving out the hidden underbelly of pure pain.

A good friend and I once agreed upon something, that life was like a Dickens Novel, where the protagnist was maligned by friends and evil men alike, that chance crushed him, but in the end he would win out by spirit and self reliance. We thought the winning would occur upon death, when God cleaned up the whole story.

God bless you.

munk
 
I'm saying Bill Sanders, you are not alone, is all.
We are not alone.
We even accept educated Canadians like Fetter here.


munk
 
No way around it Bill, it's going to take some time. But, you've already taken the most important first step by talking about what's bothering you. Realizing and admitting to others that something's out of balance, is a sure sign of a healthy mind seeking a solution to the problem. You can bet you ain't alone, and many of your buddies are going through the very same thing. Talk to 'em, help 'em, let 'em help you. Who better to understand, than someone else whose "been there"? Sometimes, just being truly understood, helps alot.

You can always count on your friends here, but, if you ever need to talk about something that's just too rough for here, feel free to e-mail me at Sylvrfalcn@aol.com

Sarge
 
munk said:
Then 10 years in Acute Psychiatric wards, (no, not as a patient!) I can never forget. I can't forget the fighting, the institutional abuse of the nurses on the floor, thrown in a snake pit without enough staff so patients get hurt and staff gets 'traumatized." Day in and day out. Damn that County- they made bucks from teh State and Feds, while psychotics slept next to toilets on the floor just like inmates in Jail.
munk
Click to expand...

Munk,

2 things come to mind when I read that.

#1 is my friend Maggie who complained when she worked at a Nursing home that there was not enough staff and the old folks were suffering, and was fired. (She got a much better job after)

and
# 2 My buddy Paul who is a doctor who once said he favored socialized medicine unless it was like the VA or Huntington State Hospital(WV State Mental Hospital) Actually the VA is much better since he said that, at least the 2 we have here, but HSH is about like you describe.
 
Bill -

I hope posting took some of the pressure off. I don't think the hardships we go through ever really leave us and it takes a strong person to make peace with them. This thread already turned up good advice from people who are better able to give it than me. I can only hope that time allows you to find peace with who you are in this moment.
 
Several times I've started to post, but not really known what to say. I still don't, but I wanted to offer my support. Bill, I don't think almost four months is a long time at all given where you were. It makes sense that it'll take some time to adjust to a different environment with a different set of hazards, unwind a bit. It's hard to let your guard down once it's up, not just in your particular situation, but in general I think. Feel free to email me if you ever wanna talk or vent or whatever.
 
Spectre said:
I don't know if this will work for you, but I am really looking forward to being able to spend some time in the woods, with just a few friends for company. No damn dust; no IEDs; no snipers, just glorious foliage all around.

Have you tried it?

John
Click to expand...
John, Runs With Scissors, and Sarge,
I'm taking your advice, at least in part. I have a 3 day weekend set up, 21-23 Oct. Getting out of town, as far back into the woods as I can get. Taking an armload of khuks that need testing and worked. It's going to be three of my buddies and I. No computers, cell phones, or other distractions (unless you consider a fly pole and waders a distraction). They have similar issues to mine, and jumped at my invite. Thanks for the idea. Gonna have to dress warm, theres snow in them mountains.

Bill
 
hey man i know how u feel i have been back for over a year and i still see all the faces of the men i couldnt save. talk to the va they are real helpful they can get you a counsiler to taalk to. i didnt want to do it either but ptsd will kick your ass if u let it take it from me. the sad part is i was a combat medic im able to find the problems of others but never saw it in my self. good luck brother
 
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