- Joined
- Oct 9, 2003
- Messages
- 5,594
The Chop
News clips of various cults, militias, survivalist groups: Mary Kay, The Manson Family, The Mormon Church, The KKK, Heavens Gate, Freemasons, Symbionese Liberation Army, Obama and his cabinet, etc...
(Narrative) There have always been groups of people who found common cause, shared beliefs, fears or obsessions. Some good, some bad, but they always had an enemy, an antagonistic force against which they measured and defined themselves. In the case of the suicide cults, life itself was the enemy. There was one exception, however. A peculiar case that, from almost any point of view, defied logic. To this day, nobody has been able to explain why educated men and women all across the country have been preparing for an enemy that has never and will never exist.
High speed move-in on a little house in the Nevada Desert - Little hand-painted sign "Welcome to the Cantina" Suddenly, the camera is on a cutting board in the kitchen and a large forward-curved blade swings down, loudly chopping a cantaloupe in half, splattering the camera with yellow juice and bits of stringy pulp. We can hear Aunt Yangdu, speaking Nepali quickly into the telephone tucked under her ear, as she chops the melons. The only English we hear is at the end of her rapid conversation, Ten days.
(Narrative) For almost twenty years, the members of the Cantina have been stockpiling weapons and survival equipment, sharing knowledge and pooling their resources in preparation for an impossible catastrophe. Known for their obsession with antiquated weapons from the rugged Himlayas, the group makes a pilgrimage of fellowship every year to share and compare their bounty and knowledge. Normally a guarded secret, this year we will be allowed to join the caravan as it snakes its way across the nation to the high desert of Reno, Nevada.
Cut to wooden sign Welcome to Florida. Camera rises above the sign to wide view of perfect white beach, blue skies and blue water. Two men are packing the back of a truck with boxes and backpacks, sleeping bags, and coolers. Some of the boxes appear to be weapons cases, some are merely cardboard boxes brimming with wooden handles and leather sheathes.
CP - Remind me again why, for a vacation, we are leaving the beach and driving to the desert?
AA - Munk says it will cleanse our souls. He says God lives in the desert.
CP - Yeah, yeah, Munk says, but big-tittie college girls live at the beach.
AA - You got a point there, but life aint all about big-tittie college girls, is it?
CP - Hell yes it is!
AA - Ehh, maybe youre right, but were going anyway.
CP - You know, with the price of gas these days, it would have been cheaper just to fly to Mexico. They got big-brown-tittie senoritas down there.
AA - Steely was just down there, and hes coming to the convention. You two can chat and giggle about Mexico the whole time, you whiney bitch.
CP - Fine!
AA - You bet it is.
The truck rolls out, heading west. The radio reminds everyone to make sure they come in for their H1N1 vaccines before they do any travelling this year, reminding them that it is mandatory and they will pay fines for disobedience.
They remind us that we need to schedule an allergen test with our doctors before applying for the vaccine, as some studies show a potential delayed reaction with some very serious side-effects.
AA - Yeah, Im going to Mexico with that damn virus in every taco?
CP - What? That pork thing? The Mexican Flu?
AA - Yeah, I really dont need Montezumas double-dip revenge.
CP - Dude! (laughing) That is so gross! Please dont make me imagine your bodily functions.
AA - Oh, Ill do more than that. Im gonna show you what a dead body smells like!
(Farts a huge one)
CP - Oh My God, whats wrong with you? Do you have an intestinal parasite or what?!
AA - No man, (In Spanish accent) its peanut butter and enchilada You like?
(Laughing and gagging)
The car runs over a dead armadillo, causing further damage to its partially denuded corpse. The camera closes in on its eye, then pulls back to reveal a human body, in much the same condition, strapped to a hospital bed. An EKG indicates a heart rate of 30bpm. Two doctors stand in the room, discussing the case.
Dr. Ram, Hes positive for Mexican Flu. He is also positive for vaccine antibodies, but he looks like he has encephalitis and leprosy I dont what to do here.
What, you thinking West Nile?
I put him on Acyclovir for a week with no response.
Did you call CDC?
Yes. They told me what I told you. No vaccine should be given until after the patient shows Mexican Flu symptoms. We are not allowed to pre-vac as of yesterday.
So, this patient Did receive the vaccine?
Three months ago.
And when did the family indicate his first symptoms appeared?
One month ago.
He hasnt eaten since then?
Nothing.
Well, we can keep him on Riners for now, but I dont see how how he has survived, since apparently his blood has become thickened and the lactate isnt getting in. The average person starves to death in 4 to 5 weeks, but then, your average American is 40 pounds overweight, so I imagine it would take them at least 8 weeks to starve to death. We may save this man yet.
(Dr. Ram scratches his head.)
How many vaccinations have we given out so far?
Over 120,000. Pretty much everybody in this county has received it, except for those ignorant or paranoid enough to refuse it. God help them.
How many pre-vac patients do we have in here right now?
Uhhh, it looks like twenty five, all with different diagnoses.
Lets review those charts, shall we?
One of the doctors accidentally bumps into and knocks off the urine bag, which slaps onto the floor. (close- up) The camera then pulls back to reveal one of those 7-11 pickles in a bag of pickle juice being slapped on the counter, along with many other snacks by our two travelers.
CP - Dude, my ass is tired of riding in that truck. I think I am going to lie down in the back.
AA - Oh yeah, thats fine, you might wanna take some paper towels and mop up the dog pee first.
CP - God damn, your whole life is just nasty!...Wait a second! You dont even have a dog! You lying asshole!!
(Crazy laughter Impatient 7-11 clerk on the road again)
AA - So what did we bring, besides khukuris and guns?
CP - Well I brought my guitar. Figured we might have a song with our beer on Saturday night.
AA - Jesus dude, can you at least stick to 70s stuff. I mean, no boy scout songs or indigo girls, got it? This isnt fraggle rock.
Camera rises as truck heads up the highway past sign: EVANSVILLE 70 miles "Home of the Angel Mounds. Cut to forest scene. Pan down to tree branch and squirrel sitting there. All seems normal, except the squirrels tail is totally devoid of fur and hangs down like a limp noodle. Suddenly the squirrel falls of the branch, followed by the bang of a rifle. Below the tree, a father and son hold a rifle and smile. The father is wearing a khukuri.
SG - Ok kid, go get your trophy and well skin it.
Uh, does that mean cut his head off? I didnt want to do that.
SG - Well, you have to, unless you want to eat his brains.
Noooo! I am not eating his brains.
SG - Well go get him and lets skin him.
You can do it.
SG - No, youre gonna do it, or (In Indian accent) You will go to spank-butt palace.
Kids stands over squirrel, but does not pick him up. (Camera views them from squirrels POV)
Dad, I think we need to shoot him again.
SG - Uhh, I doubt that.
He is still wiggling.
SG - Hmmm, lemme have a look.
Dad picks up squirrel by the tail. There is a clear hole through its head. Squirrel whips around and bites him on the hand. He drops the squirrel. At that moment, a bear roars in the distance and both humans start to retreat. The bear smelled the injured squirrel and comes in to finish him off. The squirrel shrieks as the bear eats him. When the father and son get home, there is a truck and two young men waiting in front of their house.
Hey Steely, Whats up !?
As Steely opens his mouth to answer, a horrible noise is heard from the woods. Not a recognizable animal noise; something animalistic but disturbing.
SG - We were just out shooting some squirrels.
AA - Sounds like you only wounded him.
Everyone goes inside for a glass of tea. While they chat in the den, the dogs start howling and screeching outside.
You think they saw that wounded squirrel?
Suddenly, the dogs are silenced.
CP - Steely, you got a shotgun or something?
SG - Its all packed up its locked in the blazer. Why?
CP - Uh..theres a big ass, hairless grizzly bear in your back yard, and he just ate your ***** dogs.
Everybody - What ?!
The bear suddenly lunges for the glass patio doors, cracking the glass on the first blow. Suddenly, the casual demeanor of the situation is gone as all realize the bear wants to eat them as well. Realizing they have no guns, the only available weapons are the khukuri hanging on the walls. The bear stands up, its head higher than the door frame. It leans forward to lick at the cracked glass, cutting its own tongue on the crack and then licking its own blood.
SG - Honey, I think you better come with us. I dont really want to leave you here this weekend.
Mrs. SG - You bet your ass youre not.
AA - Everybody get to the trucks.
Suddenly, the bear pushes through the glass and there is no time to retreat. An ear-shattering bellow fills the den as the bar faces each man, trying to decide whom to eat first. Someone decides to attack first, chopping at the bears shoulder with a khukuri. This only enrages the bear, which slaps at the man, knocking him over. The bear climbs onto him and tries to bite his face, but the man uses his knife to block the bears mouth, causing the bear to bleed on his face. Cut to interior of car. Man in black, driving, talking on cell phone.
DIJ Well, I dont think were going to actually shoot anything, they just like to play with the guns, you know? They like to inspect each others knives and guns and stuff.
(pause)
DIJ Yes, we are males. Yes, Freud had us all pinned down and laid out. Is there anything else I need to be reminded of?
(pause)
DIJ Oh you know were gonna eat like wild boars. Constant BBQ I am gonna eat a beef rib the size of somebodys arm!
(pause)
DIJ (Laughing) No, I didnt hear about any cannibal murders in Matamoros, but you know, weird, sick, shit happens down there. If a cannibal knocks on the door, Ma, just grab one of my rifles. You know where they are. When the guys get here tonight, we will probably eat out, sleep and hit the road early in the morning.
(pause)
DIJ What? In Dallas? A cannibal attack in Dallas? He ate her boobs? (laughing) Well, I cant say I dont sympathize! All right, all right, dont worry about me. You know Im prepared for anything.....Yes Mom....Ok mom....Bye"
Camera leaves car, pauses to inspect Texas State Rifle Association sticker on rear bumper. Car comes to a stop for traffic jam. Police cars race by. It seems an ambulance has flipped over up ahead. Some commotion in the smoke and turmoil is visible.
News clips of various cults, militias, survivalist groups: Mary Kay, The Manson Family, The Mormon Church, The KKK, Heavens Gate, Freemasons, Symbionese Liberation Army, Obama and his cabinet, etc...
(Narrative) There have always been groups of people who found common cause, shared beliefs, fears or obsessions. Some good, some bad, but they always had an enemy, an antagonistic force against which they measured and defined themselves. In the case of the suicide cults, life itself was the enemy. There was one exception, however. A peculiar case that, from almost any point of view, defied logic. To this day, nobody has been able to explain why educated men and women all across the country have been preparing for an enemy that has never and will never exist.
High speed move-in on a little house in the Nevada Desert - Little hand-painted sign "Welcome to the Cantina" Suddenly, the camera is on a cutting board in the kitchen and a large forward-curved blade swings down, loudly chopping a cantaloupe in half, splattering the camera with yellow juice and bits of stringy pulp. We can hear Aunt Yangdu, speaking Nepali quickly into the telephone tucked under her ear, as she chops the melons. The only English we hear is at the end of her rapid conversation, Ten days.
(Narrative) For almost twenty years, the members of the Cantina have been stockpiling weapons and survival equipment, sharing knowledge and pooling their resources in preparation for an impossible catastrophe. Known for their obsession with antiquated weapons from the rugged Himlayas, the group makes a pilgrimage of fellowship every year to share and compare their bounty and knowledge. Normally a guarded secret, this year we will be allowed to join the caravan as it snakes its way across the nation to the high desert of Reno, Nevada.
Cut to wooden sign Welcome to Florida. Camera rises above the sign to wide view of perfect white beach, blue skies and blue water. Two men are packing the back of a truck with boxes and backpacks, sleeping bags, and coolers. Some of the boxes appear to be weapons cases, some are merely cardboard boxes brimming with wooden handles and leather sheathes.
CP - Remind me again why, for a vacation, we are leaving the beach and driving to the desert?
AA - Munk says it will cleanse our souls. He says God lives in the desert.
CP - Yeah, yeah, Munk says, but big-tittie college girls live at the beach.
AA - You got a point there, but life aint all about big-tittie college girls, is it?
CP - Hell yes it is!
AA - Ehh, maybe youre right, but were going anyway.
CP - You know, with the price of gas these days, it would have been cheaper just to fly to Mexico. They got big-brown-tittie senoritas down there.
AA - Steely was just down there, and hes coming to the convention. You two can chat and giggle about Mexico the whole time, you whiney bitch.
CP - Fine!
AA - You bet it is.
The truck rolls out, heading west. The radio reminds everyone to make sure they come in for their H1N1 vaccines before they do any travelling this year, reminding them that it is mandatory and they will pay fines for disobedience.
They remind us that we need to schedule an allergen test with our doctors before applying for the vaccine, as some studies show a potential delayed reaction with some very serious side-effects.
AA - Yeah, Im going to Mexico with that damn virus in every taco?
CP - What? That pork thing? The Mexican Flu?
AA - Yeah, I really dont need Montezumas double-dip revenge.
CP - Dude! (laughing) That is so gross! Please dont make me imagine your bodily functions.
AA - Oh, Ill do more than that. Im gonna show you what a dead body smells like!
(Farts a huge one)
CP - Oh My God, whats wrong with you? Do you have an intestinal parasite or what?!
AA - No man, (In Spanish accent) its peanut butter and enchilada You like?
(Laughing and gagging)
The car runs over a dead armadillo, causing further damage to its partially denuded corpse. The camera closes in on its eye, then pulls back to reveal a human body, in much the same condition, strapped to a hospital bed. An EKG indicates a heart rate of 30bpm. Two doctors stand in the room, discussing the case.
Dr. Ram, Hes positive for Mexican Flu. He is also positive for vaccine antibodies, but he looks like he has encephalitis and leprosy I dont what to do here.
What, you thinking West Nile?
I put him on Acyclovir for a week with no response.
Did you call CDC?
Yes. They told me what I told you. No vaccine should be given until after the patient shows Mexican Flu symptoms. We are not allowed to pre-vac as of yesterday.
So, this patient Did receive the vaccine?
Three months ago.
And when did the family indicate his first symptoms appeared?
One month ago.
He hasnt eaten since then?
Nothing.
Well, we can keep him on Riners for now, but I dont see how how he has survived, since apparently his blood has become thickened and the lactate isnt getting in. The average person starves to death in 4 to 5 weeks, but then, your average American is 40 pounds overweight, so I imagine it would take them at least 8 weeks to starve to death. We may save this man yet.
(Dr. Ram scratches his head.)
How many vaccinations have we given out so far?
Over 120,000. Pretty much everybody in this county has received it, except for those ignorant or paranoid enough to refuse it. God help them.
How many pre-vac patients do we have in here right now?
Uhhh, it looks like twenty five, all with different diagnoses.
Lets review those charts, shall we?
One of the doctors accidentally bumps into and knocks off the urine bag, which slaps onto the floor. (close- up) The camera then pulls back to reveal one of those 7-11 pickles in a bag of pickle juice being slapped on the counter, along with many other snacks by our two travelers.
CP - Dude, my ass is tired of riding in that truck. I think I am going to lie down in the back.
AA - Oh yeah, thats fine, you might wanna take some paper towels and mop up the dog pee first.
CP - God damn, your whole life is just nasty!...Wait a second! You dont even have a dog! You lying asshole!!
(Crazy laughter Impatient 7-11 clerk on the road again)
AA - So what did we bring, besides khukuris and guns?
CP - Well I brought my guitar. Figured we might have a song with our beer on Saturday night.
AA - Jesus dude, can you at least stick to 70s stuff. I mean, no boy scout songs or indigo girls, got it? This isnt fraggle rock.
Camera rises as truck heads up the highway past sign: EVANSVILLE 70 miles "Home of the Angel Mounds. Cut to forest scene. Pan down to tree branch and squirrel sitting there. All seems normal, except the squirrels tail is totally devoid of fur and hangs down like a limp noodle. Suddenly the squirrel falls of the branch, followed by the bang of a rifle. Below the tree, a father and son hold a rifle and smile. The father is wearing a khukuri.
SG - Ok kid, go get your trophy and well skin it.
Uh, does that mean cut his head off? I didnt want to do that.
SG - Well, you have to, unless you want to eat his brains.
Noooo! I am not eating his brains.
SG - Well go get him and lets skin him.
You can do it.
SG - No, youre gonna do it, or (In Indian accent) You will go to spank-butt palace.
Kids stands over squirrel, but does not pick him up. (Camera views them from squirrels POV)
Dad, I think we need to shoot him again.
SG - Uhh, I doubt that.
He is still wiggling.
SG - Hmmm, lemme have a look.
Dad picks up squirrel by the tail. There is a clear hole through its head. Squirrel whips around and bites him on the hand. He drops the squirrel. At that moment, a bear roars in the distance and both humans start to retreat. The bear smelled the injured squirrel and comes in to finish him off. The squirrel shrieks as the bear eats him. When the father and son get home, there is a truck and two young men waiting in front of their house.
Hey Steely, Whats up !?
As Steely opens his mouth to answer, a horrible noise is heard from the woods. Not a recognizable animal noise; something animalistic but disturbing.
SG - We were just out shooting some squirrels.
AA - Sounds like you only wounded him.
Everyone goes inside for a glass of tea. While they chat in the den, the dogs start howling and screeching outside.
You think they saw that wounded squirrel?
Suddenly, the dogs are silenced.
CP - Steely, you got a shotgun or something?
SG - Its all packed up its locked in the blazer. Why?
CP - Uh..theres a big ass, hairless grizzly bear in your back yard, and he just ate your ***** dogs.
Everybody - What ?!
The bear suddenly lunges for the glass patio doors, cracking the glass on the first blow. Suddenly, the casual demeanor of the situation is gone as all realize the bear wants to eat them as well. Realizing they have no guns, the only available weapons are the khukuri hanging on the walls. The bear stands up, its head higher than the door frame. It leans forward to lick at the cracked glass, cutting its own tongue on the crack and then licking its own blood.
SG - Honey, I think you better come with us. I dont really want to leave you here this weekend.
Mrs. SG - You bet your ass youre not.
AA - Everybody get to the trucks.
Suddenly, the bear pushes through the glass and there is no time to retreat. An ear-shattering bellow fills the den as the bar faces each man, trying to decide whom to eat first. Someone decides to attack first, chopping at the bears shoulder with a khukuri. This only enrages the bear, which slaps at the man, knocking him over. The bear climbs onto him and tries to bite his face, but the man uses his knife to block the bears mouth, causing the bear to bleed on his face. Cut to interior of car. Man in black, driving, talking on cell phone.
DIJ Well, I dont think were going to actually shoot anything, they just like to play with the guns, you know? They like to inspect each others knives and guns and stuff.
(pause)
DIJ Yes, we are males. Yes, Freud had us all pinned down and laid out. Is there anything else I need to be reminded of?
(pause)
DIJ Oh you know were gonna eat like wild boars. Constant BBQ I am gonna eat a beef rib the size of somebodys arm!
(pause)
DIJ (Laughing) No, I didnt hear about any cannibal murders in Matamoros, but you know, weird, sick, shit happens down there. If a cannibal knocks on the door, Ma, just grab one of my rifles. You know where they are. When the guys get here tonight, we will probably eat out, sleep and hit the road early in the morning.
(pause)
DIJ What? In Dallas? A cannibal attack in Dallas? He ate her boobs? (laughing) Well, I cant say I dont sympathize! All right, all right, dont worry about me. You know Im prepared for anything.....Yes Mom....Ok mom....Bye"
Camera leaves car, pauses to inspect Texas State Rifle Association sticker on rear bumper. Car comes to a stop for traffic jam. Police cars race by. It seems an ambulance has flipped over up ahead. Some commotion in the smoke and turmoil is visible.
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