- Joined
- Dec 7, 2000
- Messages
- 5,179
I just got this in email and I couldn't wait until I got home to share it. It's been a long time since I laughed out loud... 
Enjoy.
---------
They're Back! Church Bulletins:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery down stairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM.
Please use the back door.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours "
Enjoy.---------
They're Back! Church Bulletins:
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who
doesn't care much about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery down stairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM.
Please use the back door.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours "
