Clean Joke Thread

Burl Source

Burl Source

Joined
Dec 7, 2008
Messages
7,187
Since this is our area for BSing I thought "How about a clean joke thread".

At least not really crude and disgusting jokes. Just ones to help to start the day with a laugh.

I will start out with one but first a disclaimer;
My boss usually walks away shaking his head instead of laughing at my jokes.

Dumb Blonde Joke
A blind man walks into a bar. With his dark glasses and white cane. When he sits down the bartender walks over and asks "What will you have?"
The blind man answers "I'll have a beer, but first, Do you want to hear a dumb blond joke?"
The bartender answers "I couldn't help but notice when you walked in that you are blind. So I should probably tell you that just down the bar from you are 2 police officers, both blonde. At the other end of the bar is a karate instructor and he is blonde. And finally me, your bartender, 6 foot 4, 250lbs, also blonde. Now, do you still want to tell your dumb blonde joke?"
The blind man answers "No, not if I am going to have to explain it 4 times."
 
Did you hear the one about the dislexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
 
Burl Source said:
Since this is our area for BSing I thought "How about a clean joke thread".

At least not really crude and disgusting jokes. Just ones to help to start the day with a laugh.

I will start out with one but first a disclaimer;
My boss usually walks away shaking his head instead of laughing at my jokes.

Dumb Blonde Joke
A blind man walks into a bar. With his dark glasses and white cane. When he sits down the bartender walks over and asks "What will you have?"
The blind man answers "I'll have a beer, but first, Do you want to hear a dumb blond joke?"
The bartender answers "I couldn't help but notice when you walked in that you are blind. So I should probably tell you that just down the bar from you are 2 police officers, both blonde. At the other end of the bar is a karate instructor and he is blonde. And finally me, your bartender, 6 foot 4, 250lbs, also blonde. Now, do you still want to tell your dumb blonde joke?"
The blind man answers "No, not if I am going to have to explain it 4 times."
Click to expand...

That's AWESOME.

Here's mine.

Guy stumbles out of a bar and accidentally runs slap dab into a woman walking her dog.

The woman recoils in horror and and shouts at the man to watch where he's going.

The guy replies, "What's up with the pig?"

The woman snaps back "If you weren't such a loser, drunk, you'd clearly see that this is a dog, not a pig!"

To which the dude calmly says,"I was talking to the dog, lady.":D
 
Here are two:

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.


After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.


The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."


A Scotsman named Angus walked into a Denny;s Restaurant ,followed by a full grown ostrich. He sat down at the bar, and the bird stood next to him. The waitress came over and asked, “What’ll you have?” Angus said he wanted the Denny’s big breakfast with two glasses of OJ and a large slice of apple pie. She turned to the ostrich and asked, “ And what’ll you have?”. The bird replied, “I’ll have what he’s having”. After the meal was done, the waitress brought the check, but before she could hand it to the Scotsman, he reached into his sporran and pulled out the exact amount on the tab. The waitress was impressed. Next day Angus was back with the same order, and the ostrich wanted the same thing. The bill came and once again he had the exact change out before she gave him the bill. This went on for several days. On Saturday, Angus and his bird came in and the waitress said, “ The usual, folks?” Angus said, “Heck no, this is Saturday, I always celebrate Saturday, so I’ll have the steak breakfast, pancakes, sausage, hash browns, a chocolate milk shake, and two slices of peach pie“. The ostrich piped in quickly, “Sounds good, I’ll have the same.” When the waitress came with the bill the Scott opened his sporran and took out the exact change. The waitress looked puzzled and asked ,”What gives with the exact change stuff?” Angus told her that he was rummaging through an abandoned barn once, and found an old scotch bottle. He pulled the cork to see if there was anything left and a Scottish genie popped out. He was offered two wishes ( Scottish genies are tight with their wishes). His first wish was that whenever he bought something, he would have the exact amount needed in his sporran. “That’s genius“, said the waitress. “ Instead of asking for a million pounds, you will always be rich this way.” Angus agreed that whether it was a bucket of coal or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount was always there. “So, what is with the ostrich?”, asked the waitress. Angus shrugged and said, “ My second wish was to spend the rest of my life with a tall, long legged chick with a big butt, who agrees with everything I say.”
 
Last edited:
Sven and Ole - the two Swedish Ministers, who had churches right across from one another - were putting up a sign one day that said "Da End Iss Neer".
About that time, a car drives by and we hear, "Crash!! Splash!!".
Ole looks at Sven and says, "Ya tink maybe ve shoult haf yust sed da bridge iss out?"
 
One day Danbo and Stacy went hunting together. As they were walking along they came across some tracks. Danbo said "Those are deer tracks". Stacy said "No, those are elk tracks". While they were arguing the train ran them over.
 
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
 
Mark, you'll appreciate this one:

What do you get when you cross an ash tree with a beech tree?.............A half-ash son of a beech.
 
Did you hear what happened to the aggie terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the tailpipe.
 
A riddle you can tell your 5 year old.

Do you know why 6 is afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9

Now maybe you can see why my boss walks away when I tell him I have a new joke. :confused:
 
Two guys who are best friends go hunting together. It was the first time for both of them. One of the guys was messing around with his rifle and a shot went off and hit his best friend.

The fellow who shot his friend was panicking but had the sense to call 911. The operator answers and he yells; "I accidentally shot my best friend. I think I killed him." All the while babbling hysterically.

The 911 operator says "Sir, please try to calm down. The first thing I want you to do is make sure your friend is really dead."

The guy answers "OK, but I have to set the phone down".

The 911 operator answers "All right, I'll wait"

In the background the operator hears the phone being set down, followed by a round being chambered and a loud bang.

The fellow gets back on the phone and says "OK, Now what?"
 
A guy walks into a bar with a large frog attached to the top of his head.
The bartender say "Hey what's with that?"
The frog says "Well it started as just a little bump on my butt!"
 
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School
every week. One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey,
how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up
and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they
sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a
cocktail before dinner?"
Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell
my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a
smoke?"

Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if
I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got into his car and as
he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been
morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he
ventured forth with, "Ahhh... Mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and
there, and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a
wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the
gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the
bed and with remorse thought, 'What the hell have I done?' He shook her awake
and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell
your Sunday School Class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and
drink to have a good time'...."
 
A Rabbi,a Catholic Priest and a Baptist preacher were out in the lake fishing,after a while they started talking religion and got into a fairly heated argument,The rabbi says "I've had enough of this and calmly stands up,steps out of the boat and walks to shore,the priest and preacher argue a bit more and the priest says"I've had enough of this" stands up,steps out of the boat and walks to shore to where the rabbi is.The preacher is sitting in the boatt alone and thinks "My faith is as strong as theirs"So he stands up steps ut of the boat and goes under the water.

The preist turns to the rabbi and says "You think we should have told him where the rocks were."

Stan
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top