Darwin Awards

wolvesclaw

wolvesclaw

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Jet Assisted Take-Off
1995 Darwin Awards Winner

The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of
smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at
the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane
crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The
make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together
the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO
(Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give
heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short
airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world
ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the
Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the
JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off
the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit
approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the
location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle
quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that
speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be
pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks
under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles
(15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting
them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface.
The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the
cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep
in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of
bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of
the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-S**T."
 
Previous Candidates:

1)In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.


2)RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

3) Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted the demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

4) Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber cartridge from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse slot next to the steering column. Upon inserting the cartridge, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the cartridge case apparently overheated; the round discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released."Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
 
DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles-one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-and went back to the floating lawn chair.

He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet.

At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
 
I apologize in advance for spoiling some fun, but many, maybe even most, of these stories just aren't true. Yes, some few are (like the guy in the lawn chair), but others are merely tall tales that are so juicy it seems like they "ought" to be true. The rocket-powered car into the cliff is one of those, though there have been some experiments by military personnel with too much time and access to hardware in which they have strapped rocket engines to cars.

For more on these kinds of stories, I suggest you check out the following web sites:

Urban legends
UL reference pages
Darwin awards


Finally, for those who may be interested, here's an article I wrote on Urban Legends and the Darwin Awards this fall, with some more references inside:

basic story,
classic legends ,
how to recognize one
 
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