I lost one of my very best friends about seven years ago when he was suddenly killed in an accident at the car stereo shop he worked in. It happened so fast, and at his service I got to see him one more time, looking much as he usually did, but more relaxed. Then he was gone. I couldn't call him, but I could talk to him. He still sort of seems like he's around. I actually refer to him as my friend Dead Dave. It's kind of the way we would have joked with each other. The fast transition has hade Dave's passing pretty bearable.
The brain cancer is a whole other story. About 2.5 years ago my friend Donald passed away from brain cancer. It was about a year after he was diagnosed and had started having symptoms. Donald's wife Sandy is my wife's very best friend. To make it worse, they had a four year old little boy Tyler. And as for timing, Donald passed a week to the day before my wife and I were to be married, with Sandy to be Maid of Honor. It was a pretty stressful thing, especially seeing what that disease does to a person and how slowly it works. It destroys a person slowly from the inside and wreaks havoc on all those in the extended family. I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that.
Just this past Saturday night we got a call that our friend Gary passed away from Diabetes/ Brain cancer. He gave my wife away at our wedding. They've been friends for over 25 years. Gary was a really nice guy. He turned me on to the author Charles Bukowski. Bukowski is dark, but funny as hell.
I was also hit by a truck while riding on a motorcycle (1984 Honda VF1000F Interceptor) about 5.5 years ago and could well have been dead myself. I couldn't walk for 3.5 months after two weeks in the hospital.
These things make you realize that no matter how big and bad you are, no matter how well armed, that there are certain things in life over which you are completely powerless. No matter how well prepared you are for almost every circumstance, there's stuff you can't influence. For me, i'm a big guy. I'm a knife and gun collecting, high horespower, bigger amp and speakers kind of guy. To accept that there is nothing I can do about a particular thing is hard to swallow. But in time you have to come to that realization and accept it, because it is the truth.
These things have actually convinced me that there is a God although i'm still not so hot on organized religions.
One of the most important things I've learned is that you have to try to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally, even though in the end we are all going to die one way or the other. While that is also a truth, it is not healthy to dwell on it. Don't get so caught up by being confronted by your own mortality that you forget to keep on living.
While it is true that your friend is not with you anymore, remember it is he who has died and not you. There are people in your life who need you.
The deaths of my friends and a recent health scare with my Mom (brain aneurysm in Nov., but she is walking and talking again after she spent six weeks in a coma) are what have really pushed me to try my hand at knife making. One way to confront my mortality is to make something that will outlive me and will say something about me to future generations. I am new and have ground out four blades but not finished one yet, but I am determined to make a good knife before I die. I'll be forty in six weeks.
The internet and in particular, the way communities develop in these forum type websites is truly amazing to me. My Mom was active on a forum called Flyertalk. When her brain thing happened it was amazing how those people rallied together to help her. They did far more for her than my brother and I could have done by ourselves.
I'm glad to be part of this forum and to be able to help support you at this terrible time. I know this is a long post and am not trying to make the thread about me, but am still dealing with similar issue (especially since Sat) and want to let you know that you're not alone.
Just my opinion.
jmx
PS: Claw mentioned going to the range. That's a reaction to the anger from feeling so powerless. You have to deal with the anger as well. I've found that cleaning and organizing my office or garage or something makes me feel better. Work with the things you can have some control over. I'm also looking into life insurance. I have knives and guns to protect my house and family, but life insurance is a more practical and useful defense weapon to protect the family with in most circumstances.
