Depression then reflection.

J

jackknife

Joined
Oct 2, 2004
Messages
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I woke up this morning and when the impact of what today was hit me I felt a wave of depression hit me like a ball peen hammer between the eyes. I got out of bed without disturbing my better half and snuck downstairs at a little before 6 in the morning.

I kept thinking about the PinkFloyd song about how 10 years have got behind you, and the passage of time. Funny how fast it goes. Today was my 65th birthday and for some reason that particular number hit me harder than any before it. I started to feel all depressed about how I'm closer to the end than the begining, and no matter how I try to ignore it, I'm getting "older".

I sat in my kitchen watching the grey light slowly seep into the new day and tried to think of something to be happy about. On the plus side I have a wife who when she gets up will try to celibrate my birthday as cheerfully as she can. She's that kind of person, and I really do feel lucky to have her. She's the kind of person who if she was on the Titanic and found herself in a lifeboat, would try to get everyone singing "Row, row, row your boat!"

I think about our kids, and that cheers me up some. We have three of the greatest kids anyone could want, all out of school and with careers of their oun. We have two and a half grandkids who are a joy to babysit for. The half should arrive in a few months.

I have all my hair and teeth, so I've saved some money on dentures I guess. And I have good health and am in pretty good shape, thanks to Karen who drives me to work out with her on the home gym.

We are debt free. No mortgage, car payments, some savings. So we're okay there. And I've been enjoying retirement so much. Even more so since Karen turned 62 last fall and joined me.

But I still can't shake a sad feeling. It's like I have been enjoying the ride so much, but now the merry-go-round is slowing down and with a shock, I come to the relization that it's not forever. It's finite. Like a big ball of twine that you keep snipping off pieces as you need, then suddenly see you only have a few inches left. Makes you look at things very reflectivly.

Funny how when I was a kid, birthdays were to be looked forward to, and now it's something I would like to forget. Karen got a cake, and the family came over and did the birthday thing this evening, and I smiled and pretended I enjoyed it. I would'nt ruin thier fun for all the tea in China. And I love tea. At least they all stuck to my years long demand that any gift has to be consumables. So I got pipe tobacco, Even Williams wiskey, Earl Grey, Darjeeling, and Ceylon tea, ammunition, smoked salmon, and some really great gormet chocolate.

But now this evening I still feel a little depressed.

It's like I now have a stronger sense of an enemy at the gate, and the enemy is age. I now know why old folks are grouchy. They're mad. They feel cheated. It's like a crooked poker game, the game of life. You work your butt of, get it all done, the kids to college, a home paid for, then you retire for a while and then it's over.

But it does make you think about whats really important. In the last year Karen and I have gone on a campain to lighten our load. We got rid of a ton of stuff, most of witch did not mean alot to us anymore. It was a liberating feeling. I gave alot of my guns to my kids, sold others to ex-coworkers and friends. Less toys in our life, but more time spent enjoying things that you can't buy. Last night we stood out on a hill and watched a grand sunset. We make time for things that really matter, like family. And travel. And talking with each other like we have'nt had time to in many years. It's a change of perspective I think.

Maybe thats the silver lining- we get old, but we develope an appretation for things we never paid attention to when we were younger, and what we thought was so important when we were young, means very little now.

A changing of perspectives.
 
Well you've sure as hell managed to depress the hell out of me ! :D :p

Come on jackknife, lets joke a little about this, it's all we have left to do.:rolleyes:

I am 50, I think about this a lot now, so I get to think about this for the next 15 years I hope, if not, I will be somewhere else much better I hope.

When I turned fifty, it hit me exactly the same way you described, I first got mad though because I realized I had wasted a lot of time, mainly because of physical ailments, so if your healthy, you should be doing something different or fun every day.

Plan a spur of the moment camp out in the yard with the grandkids, or go fishing, do something fun every day if you can, who cares if we fall over while we are doing these things, we could have been killed or fell over from anything way before now, but we are still here, must be a reason, maybe tommorrow will tell why.

Best to you and happy birthday,

Robbie Roberson;)
 
Jackknife,

Lightening your load means that you have more room for your video collection ;)

Family, friends and an appreciation for where you are in life's journey.

No too shabby. :thumbup:

I can only hope to be at the same spot when I'm 65, in another 21 years

BTW - Happy Birthday! :)
 
I’m only 34, so maybe I don’t get what you’re writing about, but this is what I have worked out so far.

When I was 23 one of my closest friends (who was also 23) unexpectedly died of cancer. One day he was alive and in seemingly good health, and three weeks later he was dead.

Despite the shock and pain of having to deal with death under those circumstances, I will be forever grateful for what I learned from his death:

Time has no rules, and if you try to control it, or apply rules to it, or expect things from it, it will get you.

You’ve got economic security, a family who loves you, and a partner to share everything with.

That’s a hell of a lot.

Don’t waste any of it thinking about time, because time doesn’t care what you think about.
 
It ain't how much time ya got left, it's how ya spend it, life is fleeting, it's so tenuous it can be severed by lightest touch, still every day I wake up, every chance I get to say I love you to my wife and daughter, every breath I breathe is a renewing affirmation of my place on this earth, justification for existence.

I like life and living it and when my time comes I'm goin' kickin' and screamin', not because I fear death, I've seen so much in my relatively short life I've watched the last flicker of life wink out in a friends eyes, the last breath escape, and I'm still here, there must be a reason for that.

I've got twenty years till I'm sixty five and I've seen more life in the eyes and heard it in the stories of of ninety yeqar olds at the nursing home I used to work at.

Hell if I live to ninety my life is only half over(I can barely remember the first twenty five(okay more like between fifteen and twenty five)) I still have a lot of stuff to do.

We all get a little melancholy when we realize that we're merely mortal, if the big guy deems it necessary for you to stick around another day make the the best day of your life, you can always try to top it, but when it's over, that's all she wrote, no mas, toodles, bye-bye gone, no more edit function, how we spent our last moments is usually how people remember us when we first pass on(the happier memories come later) and I wanna be remembered as a guy who was happy and had a good life.

Peace and Love Brother and when ya wake up tomorrow thank the Big Guy for another chance to top the great day ya had yesterday.

Sorry for the long ramble it's late and I'm tired, I'm gonna tuck my daughter into bed and kiss her goodnight, then crawl into bed and kiss my wife goodnight, God willing I'll be here to ramble more tomorrow.

Goodnight all.:D
 
You got smoked salmon? There is no way to be depressed around smoked salmon.
 
jackknife,

I know what you are feeling. I have lived all of 27 years (soon, 28; I still look forward to birthdays :D ) yet I have nearly died twice in my brief time here. The first time was a traumatic brain injury that sent me into a coma for several days and incurred heamoraeghing throughout my brain. I was 20 when that happened and, by all accounts, I am very fortunate to even have lived, much less be able to function. For weeks after that incident, I felt completely broken, when I was able to feel at all. I acquired a sudden appreciation of the certainty that life is uncertain.

The second time was when I was 24; I was taking a land navigation class and, while taking the final, my leg and foot were crushed by a boulder. When that boulder was falling towards me, for a moment, time stood still. In that bare instant, I owned the calm certainty that I may die in a few seconds' time. I knew that if the boulder hit me in the head or torso, that I would die, at the young age of 24. I also knew that I didn't want to die. I prayed in that moment and told G-d that I knew I may be coming to him in a few moments, but I still felt that I had something left to do on this earth. Then, the boulder resumed falling (rather, my perception of it falling resumed) and I was scrambling for my life. I was able to maneuver all of myself, save my leg and foot, out of the boulder's path. Then the crushing started...

I am only 27, yet I know that when life ends, there's no recalling it. But, I also am convinced that there is more to this human existence than the day-in, day-out lives we lead. I knew with a certainty that I had more life on this earth to live. I also knew that "time and chance happen", to quote Solomon. What I am saying is, I know how you feel. You work, you toil, you strive, you achieve. You have fun, and boredom, and tears, and grief. Then, you realize that all of this will soon end. Not to sound preachy at all, but what I've come to is this: I want to know that I have peace with G-d when my time comes. "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear G-d and keep his commandments, for this is the whole of man. For G-d will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil."

That's from the Bible, from Ecclesiastes 12:13-14. Solomon wrote it at the end of his life. When I get to feeling depressed and start acquiring a fuller perspective on life and death, those verses bring me comfort. I'm not trying to be preachy, at all, please don't take this the wrong way :) What I'm trying to say is, I hear ya, jackknife.
 
jackknife said:
I woke up this morning and when the impact of what today was hit me I felt a wave of depression hit me like a ball peen hammer between the eyes. I got out of bed without disturbing my better half and snuck downstairs at a little before 6 in the morning.





" I woke up this morning......"

Okay ! You're alive.
You have counted your blessings .
Your finances are in order.
You rise early. Greet each day with anticipation.
Get a hobby going .[ Money maker preferred. ]
Cherish your wife.
Stay busy & get plenty of exercise,gardening,honey-doing,helping a neighbor.
Thank the Lord for your blessings.
Establish a routine.
Get interested in word puzzles to keep the old brain active.
Find a part-time job & stay active with people.



Don't sit around & wait for something bad to happen . It may not .


Prepare yourself for the future. Have frequent physicals .


Realizing the sands of time are running out is NOT a spectator sport .



If problems arise,cope & move on.


Tell the youngsters out there " Aging ain't for sissies !"


Uncle [ far ahead of you ] Alan ;)
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Time is a funny thing aint it..I have had the same feelings at 42. Wow..its been 26 years since I have graduated from high school. A quarter century. I went back to my old high school and there was not a single teacher there who instructed me. They all had retired! Amazing..

My Son who I had just chased around the house and rolled around on the carpet with and changed his diapers is now 6'2" 175 and if I rolled on the carpet with him now I would be in a trauma unit! Man does life whiz by.

I think the thing that keeps me grounded is faith. You have to believe in something beyond this life on earth. I see this life as the practice lap and eternity is going to be even better. It puts time in perspective because it sure whizzes by..
 
Your right guys, besides I got up this morning feeling better. Birthdays depress me I think, because I'm having so much fun that I don't want to stop.

Robbie- Karen and I get really spontanious as heck, and we have a very active life. Durring the week when we're not with the family we go target shooting, Kayaking (weather permiting), woods roaming with our binoculars, art gallery and musium trips. In a throwback to the beatnick era we grew up in we will go downtown to coffee houses on our Vespa. In bad weather we do alot of reading from the library, and we love each others company. We play alot. Gonna try to keep that up.

T.Erdelyi- you're right, it's how you spend your time, and we try to have fun every minute. Karen says we should not act our age, and we try to live by that. Life IS fleeting. THATS what I'm mad about. I'm having so much damm fun I don't want it to stop. When I see someone like a nursing home patient, I think-"My God, is that going to be me someday?" We're used to being so active that if something happened to incapacitate us, I don't think I could handle that. Karen and I have had this life, where we never stopped our activities. When we had our second child, I put a sidecar on my BMW motorcycle so we could still take daytrips on the bike. John would ride behind me on the pillion seat, and Jessica would ride in the sidecar on Karen's lap. Our neighbors thought we were nuts. Only the third child slowed us down some. Karen got her licence and we got a second bike.

No, I think thats the root of my depression- its been such a good trip so far, I think I am a bit spoiled, like an over indulged child. There's been no big illnesses, the kids are fine, no drug arrests or problems. About the only setback I had was the review board ruling me medically unfit after my injury, and booting me out of the army after 10 and 1/2 years service. I had really wanted to make the army my career. But that's okay, I could see their point. Can't have a soldier limping around on a cane. And on the bright side, the V.A. check helps every month, and is not taxable income.

I'll be okay till next year, I'll just try to have as much fun as we can. Besides, with someone like Karen around it's not possable to stay down for long.

Centaur- Maybe we'll even work on that video collection!;)
 
Ren the devils trailboss said:
I think the thing that keeps me grounded is faith. You have to believe in something beyond this life on earth. I see this life as the practice lap and eternity is going to be even better. It puts time in perspective because it sure whizzes by..
Click to expand...

Thats a really great way to look at it, Ren.

Thank you.
 
Everybody always says that life is short, live every day as if its your last, blah blah blah. What, don't these people have obligations?

I get up every morning and go do a job that pays pretty well, but I hate it. I have to pay my mortgage, I have to pay for my son to go to Catholic school. My wife works too and while we are doing fine, we're not well to do by any means.
 
Shann said:
Everybody always says that life is short, live every day as if its your last, blah blah blah. What, don't these people have obligations?

I get up every morning and go do a job that pays pretty well, but I hate it. I have to pay my mortgage, I have to pay for my son to go to Catholic school. My wife works too and while we are doing fine, we're not well to do by any means.
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What makes you happy?

Find out and embrace it with all your heart.

When ever someone would tell my old man it sucks gettin' old(usually followed by a litany of complaints about health and family) he would always look at them and say "If the alternitive to growin' old is dyin' young, I'd rather grow old." (He died in a plane crash at 37 yo when I was 15 back in 75')

I like life and livin' it, it's a gift that once it's taken away there's no returning.
 
T. Erdelyi said:
What makes you happy?

Find out and embrace it with all your heart.

When ever someone would tell my old man it sucks gettin' old(usually followed by a litany of complaints about health and family) he would always look at them and say "If the alternitive to growin' old is dyin' young, I'd rather grow old." (He died in a plane crash at 37 yo when I was 15 back in 75')

I like life and livin' it, it's a gift that once it's taken away there's no returning.
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I'm trying. It gets harder to find anything I like to do every year.
 
Shann said:
Everybody always says that life is short, live every day as if its your last, blah blah blah. What, don't these people have obligations?

I get up every morning and go do a job that pays pretty well, but I hate it. I have to pay my mortgage, I have to pay for my son to go to Catholic school. My wife works too and while we are doing fine, we're not well to do by any means.
Click to expand...

Lots of people don't like their jobs. I did'nt like mine, but I had a mortage, and three kids. Being a machinist paid okay, but not rich. The wife was a reseptionist by day and part time ballet teacher and coach evenings. It was hard making ends meet sometimes.

But it does get better though, trust me. When you make that last payment on the house, and the last kid leaves home, it's playtime from then on.

You have to have something you like to do as a family. Aside from motorcycle trips, we took the kids canoeing. We took them fishing and camping. Trips to the Smithsonian, zoo, hikes. When they got older there was school activities like soccer, baseball, boyscouts for the boys. I can't count the times I was a driver and helper with my sons scout troop on outings. It paid off with a very close relationship with my kids to this day. Yeah I spent alot of money we did not have to get them through college. Never had a new car till ten years ago, always got 3 year old low milage ones to save money. But it was worth it, the kids appretiated it. Now they will surprise us sometimes with what I think are lavish gifts. When John, our oldest was in Argentina for several months for his employer, he paid for Karen and I to go tour Patagonia while visiting him. When Karen turned 60, and she was a little down about some of the aging prosses that stomach crunches and situps could'nt help, John, Jessica, and Matt, all chipped and paid for her to have a tummy tuck and boob lift.

I think children are like a crop. You plow, plant, weed, water, pray, and do a hell of alot of work. And if all goes well you have these wonderfull people who return some of the love and labor you put into them. My children are my biggest pleasure in life. Obligations? Sure, but not 24/7. Make the time to teach a son to sharpen his first pocket knife, then watch him make a good hot dog fork stick with it and the payback is ten fold.

But Shann, the best is yet to come. When your all done with it, all the kids out on their own, all the obligations have been met, Then it's GREAT!

There will come a day, when you wake up, and look at the woman next to you who has transended the title of wife. She has over the years become more than a best friend, confidant, partner, and lover. And you realize that you have all day, every day to rediscover this person you love so much!

There IS such a thing as a second romance and honeymoon.

And there's nobody around to inhibit you two!:D :thumbup:
 
"But I still can't shake a sad feeling. It's like I have been enjoying the ride so much, but now the merry-go-round is slowing down and with a shock, I come to the relization that it's not forever. It's finite. Like a big ball of twine that you keep snipping off pieces as you need, then suddenly see you only have a few inches left. Makes you look at things very reflectivly."

I don't mind admitting it but I feel like that every morning now, not just on my birthday. It's just so much easier to dwell on time wasted and opportunities missed at this age (58). Then I shake it off and go and do what I have to do the rest of the day. But, next morning - the replay. Adds a lot of stress, unfortunately, which I have plenty of already. And all the well-meant advice from friends, relatives, and professionals doesn't seem to make much difference. :( Great thread; saving it to print out and read later. :thumbup:
 
I'm 26 and work for Uncle Sam. Even though I post here a lot, I'm still a hard worker and make sure my work is done before I play. My feeling is, I've already retired. I leave all my work at work when I sign out at the end of the day. I have no idea what you mean about age creeping up on you, but, I'm sure I will. I'm only 26, and I complain about what I have missed. Then an older friend chastises me and says I still have at least 50 some years if I get my health in order, and it kinda throws it into perspective. I guess youth is wasted on the young, and I'll realize that when I'm old like my father keeps on telling me.
 
cockroachfarm said:
....I come to the relization that it's not forever. It's finite. Like a big ball of twine that you keep snipping off pieces as you need, then suddenly see you only have a few inches left.
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It's all in how ya look at it, it's in the perception, take that finite string and if your knife is sharp enough, you can theoretically continue halving it into infinity, how sharp is your life, how much do you wanna live life?

There's no one between you and happiness but you.

Think ya got it bad, it could always get worse, wanna see some one who had it bad and wouldn't give up, go read about Job in the bible.

Man we are just waxing philosophic here ain't we?
 
T. Erdelyi said:
....Man we are just waxing philosophic here ain't we?
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Yes, we are. But it's a good idea to do that once in a while, especially with like-minded people. I call it a "soul enema". :)
 
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