- Joined
- Aug 25, 2011
- Messages
- 545
I'm not really sure how to type this. I never show my emotions. Mom has been feeling ill for a little while. At first it was just tired, then it was pain/discomfort. After a month dad finally convinced her to go see the Dr. They did test and told her to come back for more. They ran test not saying what they were looking for. Finally, they sat Mom and Dad down to have a talk.. They wait almost a week to tell my little brother, longer to tell me. I meet them for lunch before work. They finally tell me. Mom, the rock that holds this family together, has cancer. They say its in her esophagus. They tell me more details but I don't listen. She ask if I have any questions..I just nod, afraid of opening my mouth as if saying anything would open the seal of my emotions. I eventually tell them I have to go to work. I don't remember getting to work or even starting my shift. Chef ask if I am ok. They can tell something is wrong, the normally loud Coordinator is barely able to run the wheel on a super slow night. I smile and start yelling orders again. While cleaning I put the headphones in with the iPod on shuffle..Bad choice. Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" comes on. I feel myself starting to lose it. I go outside to just kneel against the wall just rocking and sniffling trying to hold in the fear and sadness. That week after learning was rough. Mom calls and ask to have lunch. My Mom and Dad have a look on their face. I know what they are going to say. It has spread to the liver. They think its other places. As we are leaving, Mom goes to lift Dad's wheelchair into the car. I stop her and tell her she can't be doing that anymore. She says "Who else is going to?". I don't know how to respond. I can't be there everyday. My brother is at college. My disabled father and my weakening mother are alone in the country. I start thinking of the other implications of this bastard disease. She will stop working. Even with both of them on disability the house will be lost. My childhood home where I lived for my entire childhood will be gone. I have been trying to help out. Its impossible at $11 an hour. If it wasn't for my wonderful fiance I wouldn't be able to pay rent. I already struggle. Then the thoughts of what will happen to Dad if things turn south appear. If we lose Mom we will lose Dad. He can't live without her. He is already slipping mentally. The shock of losing her would put an end to him. My brother will have to drop out of college because its impossible to make the payment. They struggle with them anyway. I have been making payments anonymously to his accounts. I am sinking. I HAVE to be the new rock....How?? How is a 24 year old supposed to deal with all of this hitting at once. It would be impossible to take a second job....I don't really know why I am posting this. I don't normally put myself out there, but this is one place I feel safe. I hope this is the right place. I just needed to let someone it.
