Humour and Funnies.......

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Need some humour. Here is a funny....

Fishing with Jack...

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.


A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

.

 

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I love it...Thanks...

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared th e daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
:barf:

 

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It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me relate how I handle the situation with my wife. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for her to get a full-time job along with her part time job, for the extra income. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the club so eating out twice in one day is not really an option. I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the washing up as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills and do the shopping during her lunch hour. But, we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to get herself a nice, big, cold glass of something and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making herself a drink, she may as well bring me a beer while she’s at it.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of these few words, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.

"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.

The man finally agrees and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.

Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the
window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of
paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and
tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door,
insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger
waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming
Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."


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During the Depression years, children always found something to do and something to talk about. Those were frustrating years for both the children and the parents, but mostly for the parents. The
children didn't know any better.

One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, "It's about time I be getting home, because if I'm late for supper, my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He's a real mean Paw."

The second little boy said, "Your Paw ain't mean, I got the meanest
Paw in the world." The first little boy said, "How come you say that?"

The second little boy said, "Every time I go home, he slaps me if I
say something, and if I don't say something he slaps me. Man I just don't know what to do anymore."

The third little boy said, "Not me, I got the best Paw in the world.
He plays with me, and do things with me. He's a real good Paw."

The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, "Do he
teach you how to do things too?"

The third boy said, "He sho' do, he's teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and let's me swim back to the shore."

The first two said, almost in unison, "Ain't it kind of hard to swim
from the middle of the lake back to the shore?"

"Naw, man, that's the easy part, the hard part is getting out of
that sack!"

 

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After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his clothes.

A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly,

"Ah.....no, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

 

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