In Mourning

Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith

Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith

ilmarinen - MODERATOR
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A middle age woman was widowed. After about 8 months, her grown daughter came to her. "Mom, Dad was never a good father,and a very poor husband. You deserve to have some joy in your life. Go out and find a nice man. You are still very attractive and young enough to enjoy life." The widow started going to social events and soon met the most wonderful gentleman. They went to the opera, out to dinner, walks in the park holding hands. It was like she was a teen ager again. After 3 months of dating he asked her to go on a vacation trip to the islands.She agreed. The first day they walked the beaches, drank tropical drinks, had a wonderful dinner, and retired to their room. He undressed and slipped into the bed. She went into the bath and emerged wearing nothing but black panties. He smiled approvingly and said, "Slip out of those and join me." She replied,"What is uncovered is your to enjoy, but down there I'm still in mourning. He said he could respect that. They spent a joyous night of kissing ,fondling, hugging and eventually fell asleep in each others arms. The next day was nicer than the first. At bed time she slipped into bed, again wearing only black panties. He soon came out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a black condom." What is up with that?" She asked. He smiled and said, "I just want to give you my deepest condolences."
 
You may be old Stacy but we still respect you. I know I want to hear some more of your jokes. I just wonder how many of yours start with "Back when I was in the Civil War.....". :D :eek: :eek:
 
Yep, me and Gen. Grant used to sit outside the tent and trade jokes all night long (along with passing the jug!). Like this one:
Grant - Stacy, you know how to tell most officers from most enlisted soldiers?
Stacy - No, how?
Grant - The enlisted soldiers have the horse s**t on the outside of their boots. (now pass me that jug,son.)
 
Sam Houston had just arrived,and was inspecting the troops at the Alamo. He noticed a donkey tied up behind the barracks. He asked Davey Crockett what it was there for? Davey said (in his Tennessee drawl),"Weel, Sam, Its been a coon's age since most of us fellers has seen our sweethearts. That critter is the only way we can get any sex around these parts. "
Sam, was outraged. "Get rid of that critter right now. And I'll have any man who says a word about it shot."
Davey looked very sad, and lead the animal out the gate.
A few weeks later, Sam was starting to understand the isolation of living in a monastery surrounded by 5000 Mexicans. He said to Crockett, one day, " Dave, I see why you fellows liked that donkey.I could use him myself right now. Davey smiled and said, "Heck Sam, I knew you would come around. I tied the donkey up right behind the back gate.Sam took off at a trot. Davey followed along at his slow country boy stroll. When he came around the corner, he saw Sam with the donkey kicked down on his knees, A fist full of flank in each hand, pumpin' away. "Gawd Sam, Davey exclaimed, That's plum disgustin''." Sam looked over his shoulder (not slowin' down on the poor wimperin' beast) and said, "What the hell do you do with the donkey?"
Davey held out a sombrero and a serape and said, We dress up like a Mexican and ride into Tijuana!!!"
Stacy
 
Now that is wrong. I just about fell out of my chair on that one. You got any more from your teenage years? :D :eek: :eek:
 
These three soldiers were sittin' around the camp fire during a lull in the fighting. The chap from Texas said, " My wife is the dumbest woman on the planet." The other two asked what the problem was. The Texan said, " When I was by the farm last, I gave her all my saved up pay, nigh on $20 it was.She was to use it to fix up the farm . She just wrote me and said she bought a wagon with the money." The other two were confused as to why this was so dumb? "Heck", said the Texan," We ain't got no horse to pull a wagon. DUMB WOMAN, is all I got to say." The other two nodded in agreement. Then the Georgia soldier said, " My woman must be the dumbest female on this here Earth." When asked why he continued," She got some money from when her Pappy died, and was going to use it to get some educatin' and culture for the kids.She just wrote and said she bought a piano! Now that's just plumb dumb." When asked why, he said, " Ain't one of us in the whole family can carry a tune, we're all tone deaf." The others nodded agreement.
The boy from the Ozarks looked down and said,"Well I wasn't goin' to say nothin' ,but my old lady is so stupid,she must be plum out of her mind." When asked what was the matter he replied," When I snuck off to visit her last month, We had a right nice time.I give her a $20 gold coin to go into town and get her self something she would enjoy.She wouldn't tell me what she had bought,said it was for her, not me.When I was fixin' to leave,I thought I would give her a little extra surprise, so I put a $10 gold coin in the night stand by her bed. When I opened the drawer, there were at least four dozen rolled up sheep skins ( granddaddy of the naturalamb condom) in the drawer. Now they wasn't there the day before, so she must have spent all that money on them things.DUMB WOMAN!!!" The other two soldiers tried to hide their grins and asked why that made her so dumb? The Arkansan replied," Heck boys, your wife can always get a horse to pull that wagon. And your kids might not turn out to be such bad musicians as you think,.........................
but my wife, no matter what she does cant use them things, SHE AIN'T GOT NO PECKER!!!"
Stacy
 
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