- Joined
- Dec 10, 2003
- Messages
- 438
hello gentlepeople. the following is a semi-comprehensive compilation of the knuts we know and love. feel free to add to it. mods please leave this in the blade discussion forum. warning, if you don't have a sense of humor, too bad 
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backwood billies - these dudes bring home the bacon, literally. they can survive in the wilderness no problem, just give them a fowler or dozier & some chewing tobacco. these guys can build mansions from wood & straw with one hand, while simultaneously milking cows & roping them.
bali songbirds - these guys are pretty dangerous, to themselves and proximal neighbors. they kind of look like a blur as they stand still, flipping away. these guys will buy a fixed blade, and lie awake nights, tempted to machine saw the handles down the middle and add hinges. many of these guys were baton-twirling majorettes in a past life.
benchmade droids - these guys would copulate with the tiny spaces surrounding the axislock bar if they could, and probably do. many of these guys are really good at reprofiling edges, and finishing them down stoopid-sharpness, mainly because they have some money left over to buy edgepros after their economically priced factory purchases. some even have carpal tunnel wrists from constant lightning-quick flicking mastery.
blade techies - these guys are full-time physicists with a part time interest in edged tools. they can tell you the specific gravity of s90v under various planetary orientations to adjacent galaxies. they can write scientific texts on the structure and function of every blade and steel type, and are probably formulating new geometric theorems as i type this.
caseloads - these guys range somewhere between 100-200 years of age. they shun all locking mechanisms for folders; it's just too much modern bullshit, ya know? these dudes keep a can of beezwax in their pockets to make sure the ends of their mustaches don't lose their curls & pointy tips.
chisel grinders - these guys were born with a flat head. they are also afflicted with breastcup envy. they figure emerson can't be wrong if his chisel grinds can sell for the price of a used camry each.
cold steelers - these guys have molar fillings specially made of carbon-v, and don't seem to mind the rust. some of them have autographed posters of lorraina bobbit, because they like to chop ropelike objects that dangle from bushy origins.
custom grey-poupon art collectors - these folks buy knives for their art, function be damned. the more mother of pearl and pre-historic elephant tusk inlays comlplementing the 14th century crouching-tiger damascus blade, the better. $400-500/month is spent on windex to clean the display cases for these knives.
custom snobs - these guys avoid factory knives like the plague. they shed a tear every time they must use their knives to cut such harsh & unforgiving materials, such as paper envelopes, nylon clothing tag lines, and an occasional strip of scotch tape. the most used tool these guys have is the magnetic strip of their visas. bastards.
factory sour-grapers - these guys don't own a single custom, yet bash folks who do. they think that lightfoot is the name of a dance in country western bars. they will never buy a custom knife, no matter how rich they are - simply because it violates their principles. these folks fear that they'll get their benchmade license suspended for a year if they by a custom.
folding gentlemen - these fellows let out a high-pitched shriek when shown a blade that exceeds 3.5". they only carry knives that are dainty and waifish enough to go unnoticed by clergyfolk & office bosses. they own kitties & poodles named mnandi and kestrel.
forgers - these dudes were burned & beaten repeatedly while growing up.. and you know what? they're some seriously tough mutherf*ckers!! they figure the same principles must apply to knives.
fussy busse rats - these fellows know that if an iron butress gives way on a trailer leg, their battle mistress is there to substitute. pry bars are laughed at because they can't cut stuff too. these fellows have thrown out their hammers; who needs them when you have the spine of your knife?
karambytes - well, these guys got bored with the idea of knives being useful or beautiful, so they rejoiced when karambits came into mass production. now thay can make the "whoop-de-do" motion with their index finger, and have a sharp little midget twirling around it.
knewbies - these folks need help finding the edge on a blade, & think that 440C is a BMW model.
machete kukz - now these guys are truly dangerous. they have clinically diagnosable amputation anxiety. this means that they have the incessant urge to dismember everything and everyone before, god forbid, it happens to them. these folks use their bolos for even the finest tasks, like picking boogers and coring fruit.
mayo-nasals - these guys have a little bit of a gloryhole fetish, and they secretly wish the ozone layer was more perforated than it already is. if funds would permit, they'd even send their stag-handled knives to mr. mayo for some copious drilling. these folks' diet consists primarily of swiss cheese.
multitool personalities - these fellows love to break stuff. this gives them a good excuse to go around fixing stuff. they don't consider a knife to be valid unless it packs a caterpillar tractor & a portable generator that can sustain the appliances of a small town in omaha.
randall's vandals - these dudes know a good-looking blade when they see it, even if the steel is straight out of 1966 mills. they laugh at how many knifemaker's names are half-assedly etch-o-matic'd onto the blades nowadays, and consider it a sign of shallow heritage. they go around in covert assasination teams to headquarters of cold steel & other companies who have blatantly ripped off their model 1 fighter.
sebenzanistas - these dudes would probably dry-hump chris reeve's leg for designing this great little framelock. they probably have a shrine at home for their CRK's.. i am personally afraid to ever touch a sebenza, for fear that i may develop a strange humping relfex.
spydercohorts - these guys have serrated refrigerator doors at home, just to remind themselves that they live on the edge. they believe that functionality & ugly are in no way mutually exclusive, and are, in fact, synonymous. they are all waiting in line to have their own signature model produced. viva la web!
tactical fighters - these guys are ready for war, and pretty damn eager too. extrema ratio mpc's are hidden beneath their helmets & boots. strider fixed blades are held tightly in the grip of their teeth. microtech makoras threaten to pop open from their wives' nipples if they get pissed enough.
...may the love for edged steel endure and supercede all boundaries.. forever, almost
___________________________________
backwood billies - these dudes bring home the bacon, literally. they can survive in the wilderness no problem, just give them a fowler or dozier & some chewing tobacco. these guys can build mansions from wood & straw with one hand, while simultaneously milking cows & roping them.
bali songbirds - these guys are pretty dangerous, to themselves and proximal neighbors. they kind of look like a blur as they stand still, flipping away. these guys will buy a fixed blade, and lie awake nights, tempted to machine saw the handles down the middle and add hinges. many of these guys were baton-twirling majorettes in a past life.
benchmade droids - these guys would copulate with the tiny spaces surrounding the axislock bar if they could, and probably do. many of these guys are really good at reprofiling edges, and finishing them down stoopid-sharpness, mainly because they have some money left over to buy edgepros after their economically priced factory purchases. some even have carpal tunnel wrists from constant lightning-quick flicking mastery.
blade techies - these guys are full-time physicists with a part time interest in edged tools. they can tell you the specific gravity of s90v under various planetary orientations to adjacent galaxies. they can write scientific texts on the structure and function of every blade and steel type, and are probably formulating new geometric theorems as i type this.
caseloads - these guys range somewhere between 100-200 years of age. they shun all locking mechanisms for folders; it's just too much modern bullshit, ya know? these dudes keep a can of beezwax in their pockets to make sure the ends of their mustaches don't lose their curls & pointy tips.
chisel grinders - these guys were born with a flat head. they are also afflicted with breastcup envy. they figure emerson can't be wrong if his chisel grinds can sell for the price of a used camry each.
cold steelers - these guys have molar fillings specially made of carbon-v, and don't seem to mind the rust. some of them have autographed posters of lorraina bobbit, because they like to chop ropelike objects that dangle from bushy origins.
custom grey-poupon art collectors - these folks buy knives for their art, function be damned. the more mother of pearl and pre-historic elephant tusk inlays comlplementing the 14th century crouching-tiger damascus blade, the better. $400-500/month is spent on windex to clean the display cases for these knives.
custom snobs - these guys avoid factory knives like the plague. they shed a tear every time they must use their knives to cut such harsh & unforgiving materials, such as paper envelopes, nylon clothing tag lines, and an occasional strip of scotch tape. the most used tool these guys have is the magnetic strip of their visas. bastards.
factory sour-grapers - these guys don't own a single custom, yet bash folks who do. they think that lightfoot is the name of a dance in country western bars. they will never buy a custom knife, no matter how rich they are - simply because it violates their principles. these folks fear that they'll get their benchmade license suspended for a year if they by a custom.
folding gentlemen - these fellows let out a high-pitched shriek when shown a blade that exceeds 3.5". they only carry knives that are dainty and waifish enough to go unnoticed by clergyfolk & office bosses. they own kitties & poodles named mnandi and kestrel.
forgers - these dudes were burned & beaten repeatedly while growing up.. and you know what? they're some seriously tough mutherf*ckers!! they figure the same principles must apply to knives.
fussy busse rats - these fellows know that if an iron butress gives way on a trailer leg, their battle mistress is there to substitute. pry bars are laughed at because they can't cut stuff too. these fellows have thrown out their hammers; who needs them when you have the spine of your knife?
karambytes - well, these guys got bored with the idea of knives being useful or beautiful, so they rejoiced when karambits came into mass production. now thay can make the "whoop-de-do" motion with their index finger, and have a sharp little midget twirling around it.
knewbies - these folks need help finding the edge on a blade, & think that 440C is a BMW model.
machete kukz - now these guys are truly dangerous. they have clinically diagnosable amputation anxiety. this means that they have the incessant urge to dismember everything and everyone before, god forbid, it happens to them. these folks use their bolos for even the finest tasks, like picking boogers and coring fruit.
mayo-nasals - these guys have a little bit of a gloryhole fetish, and they secretly wish the ozone layer was more perforated than it already is. if funds would permit, they'd even send their stag-handled knives to mr. mayo for some copious drilling. these folks' diet consists primarily of swiss cheese.
multitool personalities - these fellows love to break stuff. this gives them a good excuse to go around fixing stuff. they don't consider a knife to be valid unless it packs a caterpillar tractor & a portable generator that can sustain the appliances of a small town in omaha.
randall's vandals - these dudes know a good-looking blade when they see it, even if the steel is straight out of 1966 mills. they laugh at how many knifemaker's names are half-assedly etch-o-matic'd onto the blades nowadays, and consider it a sign of shallow heritage. they go around in covert assasination teams to headquarters of cold steel & other companies who have blatantly ripped off their model 1 fighter.
sebenzanistas - these dudes would probably dry-hump chris reeve's leg for designing this great little framelock. they probably have a shrine at home for their CRK's.. i am personally afraid to ever touch a sebenza, for fear that i may develop a strange humping relfex.
spydercohorts - these guys have serrated refrigerator doors at home, just to remind themselves that they live on the edge. they believe that functionality & ugly are in no way mutually exclusive, and are, in fact, synonymous. they are all waiting in line to have their own signature model produced. viva la web!
tactical fighters - these guys are ready for war, and pretty damn eager too. extrema ratio mpc's are hidden beneath their helmets & boots. strider fixed blades are held tightly in the grip of their teeth. microtech makoras threaten to pop open from their wives' nipples if they get pissed enough.
...may the love for edged steel endure and supercede all boundaries.. forever, almost
Alan, did YOU write the original list? 
Just as I have always thought. 
