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- May 7, 2012
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I was really inspired by the thread that was recently locked, and yes I know not everyone was able to read it.
So I've decided to bring the wisdom here.
First let me start out by saying, I have never actually run a knife company, but I have some knives, so it's basically the same. Secondly I don't actually have any experience building massive successful companies, which you know because I'm here making this post rather than making billions by being the best businessman ever. I don't even have a phd or whatever in business, but I have had a business book in my cart at Amazon, more than one book actually. I deleted them all because I already know everything. Why do I say this? Because it clearly proves I have all the knowledge needed to build Survive! into the best knife company ever.
So here is my clear and proven method to achieve winning status.
First, Guy is too slow. This is for several reasons:
1.) Guy doesn't wear a hat. Everyone knows hats make you faster. We have all been saying this for years, but it didn't matter till now. This is because I said it.
2.) Guy doesn't have enough stickers on him. We all know how adding stickers to your car adds horsepower, thus we should be adding stickers to Guy. Guy has no stickers, so if we can get maybe 10 on him, at 5hp each, we could get him to probably like 20-30hp and then he would be faster.
3.) Guy uses a bathroom. I know this because in all the pics of the shop, I never see a bucket beside his machine. We all know that bathroom breaks slow down production. We need a bucket beside Guy at all times.
So to summarize the winning method of improving Guy: Hat, stickers and a bucket.
Next up, Ellie. Ellie is not making boxes and stuff fast enough, this is because she is talking to customers, answering emails, processing endless customer requests and all that needless time wasting crap. She even has a phone to answer. This is ridiculous.
We all know how time consuming this all is, and we know him silly and inefficient it is. Ellie needs to do the following immediately.
Cease any interaction with customers and remove everything from her desk except the items related to the tasks that need to be immediately completed to keep up with the now fast Guy. Additionally anything adding extra stimulation in her environment should be considered a distraction and be immediately removed. We have all seen the nets around factories in those super awesome Chinese slave worker factories. We will all pitch in and get one for her soon in case she looses her concentration and tries to get a day off.
Finally! Firsts, Seconds and now thirds.
Basically Guy keeps focusing on Firsts. We all know how nice and fancy perfection is, and but really, it is the enemy of good. Perfection, unicorns blah blah blah. Guy has learned this now, because he has introduced seconds. So this is what we need to do. Firsts are now things Guy can work on during his one day off every month. What used to be called Seconds, are now Firsts. They are the same, because they are called firsts. It's all in the name.
But what about seconds? Ok here is where we really win. Every week we go on Craigslist and put an ad for temporary workers. Just people who need to do something that week. We sit them in front of a grinder and have them pump out knives as fast as they can. At the end of the week we will get rid of them all in case they get hurt or something. We aren't going to deal with that. If they can't make them fast enough, we will just fire them on the spot and tell them we will send the cheque to their house. LOL, that one always works! This is the best because we don't want them to get hurt and knives are sharp. By keeping them for just a week, we will never have to risk them getting hurt with a sharp knife.
BOOM! Winning!
No need to thank me, now who wants a high five!!
So I've decided to bring the wisdom here.
First let me start out by saying, I have never actually run a knife company, but I have some knives, so it's basically the same. Secondly I don't actually have any experience building massive successful companies, which you know because I'm here making this post rather than making billions by being the best businessman ever. I don't even have a phd or whatever in business, but I have had a business book in my cart at Amazon, more than one book actually. I deleted them all because I already know everything. Why do I say this? Because it clearly proves I have all the knowledge needed to build Survive! into the best knife company ever.
So here is my clear and proven method to achieve winning status.
First, Guy is too slow. This is for several reasons:
1.) Guy doesn't wear a hat. Everyone knows hats make you faster. We have all been saying this for years, but it didn't matter till now. This is because I said it.
2.) Guy doesn't have enough stickers on him. We all know how adding stickers to your car adds horsepower, thus we should be adding stickers to Guy. Guy has no stickers, so if we can get maybe 10 on him, at 5hp each, we could get him to probably like 20-30hp and then he would be faster.
3.) Guy uses a bathroom. I know this because in all the pics of the shop, I never see a bucket beside his machine. We all know that bathroom breaks slow down production. We need a bucket beside Guy at all times.
So to summarize the winning method of improving Guy: Hat, stickers and a bucket.
Next up, Ellie. Ellie is not making boxes and stuff fast enough, this is because she is talking to customers, answering emails, processing endless customer requests and all that needless time wasting crap. She even has a phone to answer. This is ridiculous.
We all know how time consuming this all is, and we know him silly and inefficient it is. Ellie needs to do the following immediately.
Cease any interaction with customers and remove everything from her desk except the items related to the tasks that need to be immediately completed to keep up with the now fast Guy. Additionally anything adding extra stimulation in her environment should be considered a distraction and be immediately removed. We have all seen the nets around factories in those super awesome Chinese slave worker factories. We will all pitch in and get one for her soon in case she looses her concentration and tries to get a day off.
Finally! Firsts, Seconds and now thirds.
Basically Guy keeps focusing on Firsts. We all know how nice and fancy perfection is, and but really, it is the enemy of good. Perfection, unicorns blah blah blah. Guy has learned this now, because he has introduced seconds. So this is what we need to do. Firsts are now things Guy can work on during his one day off every month. What used to be called Seconds, are now Firsts. They are the same, because they are called firsts. It's all in the name.
But what about seconds? Ok here is where we really win. Every week we go on Craigslist and put an ad for temporary workers. Just people who need to do something that week. We sit them in front of a grinder and have them pump out knives as fast as they can. At the end of the week we will get rid of them all in case they get hurt or something. We aren't going to deal with that. If they can't make them fast enough, we will just fire them on the spot and tell them we will send the cheque to their house. LOL, that one always works! This is the best because we don't want them to get hurt and knives are sharp. By keeping them for just a week, we will never have to risk them getting hurt with a sharp knife.
BOOM! Winning!
No need to thank me, now who wants a high five!!
