Luck of the Irish

[Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith]

Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

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Irish Lass to shopkeeper: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

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Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spitt in' in the vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life, and then once a week listening to people confess the details and highlights of theirs?

 

[WA Martin]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender
hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each
of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.

The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between
his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastid!
Spit it out!"