Mature funnies

Gary W. Graley

Gary W. Graley

“Imagination is more important than knowledge"
Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider
Joined
Mar 2, 1999
Messages
27,494
Here are a few I heard from a fellow at work;

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-nineties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?" ;)

***************************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

***************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

:)
G2
 
hehe you're welcome sir, I thought they were cute ones...
G2
 
Gary W. Graley said:
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know
you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

***************************************

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

:)
G2
Click to expand...

Yep, spewed a little Sam Adams on the monitor with those... thanks GG!
 
Old man shuffles into a brothel and asks the madam if there are any 20 year old girls working. "Yes" replies the madam with a giggle. "Good" replies the old bloke "and do you supply extra large condoms?". Nearly laughing the madam replies "yes we do gramps". "What about ear plugs and clothes pegs, have you got those?" says the old man. Confused the madame asks "I know what the condoms are for, but what on earth do you need the plugs and the pegs for" The old man replies "I hate to hear a young girl scream and I can't stand the smell of burning rubber":D

peter
 
Lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!
These are hillarois!!!
I'm gonna print em and give em to my Pop,lol!
Thanks guys!!!
 
Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench. One gets up and tells the other that he is going to the doctor. The other asks if he is sick. "No, I'm going to get some Viagra". "Viagra!" says his friend, "You're too old for sex".
"I don't want sex. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes". (OY!)

A 75 year old man enters the confessional at a Catholic church. The priest asks what he can do for him. The man tells the priest that he just had sex with 20 year old twins. The priest asks if the man would like to repent. The old guy says, "Hell no, I'm Jewish!" The priest asks, "Then why are you telling me this?" The old man replies, "I'm telling everybody!"

Sorry about that. :D
 
I was watching some comedian the other night on TV, he was praising Viagra, not for the sex, said it kept him from rolling out of bed at night.

He also started going on about how he pees like a guy with a stutter talks. He got up in the middle of the night to take a leek, nothing happens for a while, so he looks down at it and says something like "Well? do something, this was your idea!". His wife yells "Who are you talking to?" he replies "No one you would remember!"

Haha
 
An elderly man and an elderly woman go on a date and they hit it off really great.
Later, they check in to a hotel.
The fall asleep in each others arms after a night of rough and wild sex.

The next morning the elderly man thought to himself "If I had known she was still a virgin I would have been more gentle".

At the same time the elderly woman thought to herself "If I had known he could still get it up I would have taken off my panty-hose"!:D
 
Three elderly gentlemen are sitting on a park bench.

The first one says, “Getting old is hell. I can’t hardly pee anymore. I stand in front of the toilet for 20 minutes and only get a dribble.”

The second man says, “Tell me about it. I am so constipated that I sit on the toilet for hours and nothing happens.”

The third man says, “ Every morning at 6:30 I pee like a race horse and have a bm like an elephant.”

The other two look at him and say, “So, what’s the problem?”

“I don’t wake up until 7 !”
 
Let's see if I get this right...LOL


Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons.

A streaker runs by...

the first old lady had a stroke...

The second old lady had a stroke...




The third old lady wasn't quick enough.
:eek:
 
An elderly couple is sitting together in church. Suddenly, the husband leans over and whispers to his wife:

"Dear, I just cut a silent but deadly fart, what should I do?"

The wife scowled back.. "Turn up your hearing aid!"
 
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.



Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:


Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
 
An old couple had just finished breakfast when the guy got up without a word and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the government office and get me some social security.” He replied.
“You old fool! They ain’t going to give you anything. You can’t prove how old you are. You don’t have a birth certificate” said his wife.

A few hours later he walked in and handed her a check. “How did you get this?” she asked.
“I just opened my shirt and showed them all the grey hair and they signed me up.” “Well”, she replied ”In that case you should have dropped your drawers. Maybe they would have also given you disability too.”
 
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