-
The BladeForums.com 2024 Traditional Knife is ready to order! See this thread for details: https://www.bladeforums.com/threads/bladeforums-2024-traditional-knife.2003187/
Price is$300$250 ea (shipped within CONUS). If you live outside the US, I will contact you after your order for extra shipping charges.
Order here: https://www.bladeforums.com/help/2024-traditional/ - Order as many as you like, we have plenty.
Military Jatgon Decoded
- Thread starter Random
- Start date
Esav Benyamin
MidniteSuperMod
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2000
- Messages
- 90,915
The proper definition of military rank
General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Lieutenant Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable
winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding B.B.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.
Major
Barely clears Quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting
self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is NOT issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.
Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says: "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
BECAUSE... HE IS GOD !!!
General
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Lieutenant Colonel
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable
winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding B.B.
Walks on water in indoor swimming pools.
Talks with God if special request chit is approved.
Major
Barely clears Quonset huts.
Loses tug of war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Captain
Makes high marks when trying to leap building.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting
self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
First Lieutenant
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
Is NOT issued ammunition.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of Mae West.
Talks to walls.
Second Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says: "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Sergeant
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
BECAUSE... HE IS GOD !!!
Esav Benyamin
MidniteSuperMod
- Joined
- Apr 6, 2000
- Messages
- 90,915
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO) (This is no different to the UK Model apart from the fact that the snake is a SAS man in disguise).
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-14 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather(Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Black Ops - Denies all knowledge of the snake. "Mr President, there is no snake". Ultimately, truth comes out in 'Watersnake' scandal!
1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.
Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
18. F-14 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather(Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
nuclear weapons.
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. Black Ops - Denies all knowledge of the snake. "Mr President, there is no snake". Ultimately, truth comes out in 'Watersnake' scandal!