My uncles battle with cancer, and a bad joke...

Don Rac

Don Rac

Joined
Oct 3, 2001
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1,191
Well, I've come to trust the guys here in this forum because of what appears to be genuine concern for people. You all have my respect and now I guess I need your guys' advice before I burn up inside out with deep feelings of hate.

I've known the father of my friend for half my life. I act as if he's blood although we are not, I call him uncle. He now is losing the battle with cancer after putting up a good long fight. I saw a good strong man turn into a frail shadow of himself in mere months, and I am deeply saddened. I stopped by my friends house today, and my uncle didn't recognize me until he was told it was me. Then I remembered something my friend told me about what a "friend" said.

He said that one day, while at the mall, he saw an old "friend" of ours. This "friend" knew that his dad was sick with cancer, and that he was losing. This "friend" then cracked a really bad F*UCKED UP joke. He said "Is your dad an invalid like in that one movie?" then proceeded to make moaning and groaning sounds and motioned as if he were an invalid, and started chuckling. He said this to my friend and his brothers face.

I feel like pummeling the living daylights out of this b@stard after today. But I think that going to prison for battery is not good for my health. But I also do not want to ignore this kind of comment. So far I have told myself that whenever I see him again, I will DEMAND an apology. If not then I will tell him to break paths with me and never speak to me again. I think that if he is a true man and "friend" he will apologize. No apology will ever make me regain his trust ever again. I don't think I'd ever want to have anything to do with this "friend", but this is based on a principle of honor.

I just need to know, would simply walking away from something like this only leave things unfinished, or is there something in this country that I can do? I am genuinely ashamed that this sick individual was ever known to me as a friend, and I am ashamed that I placed enough trust in him to let him know secrets about me. My general feeling is that while God almighty may forgive him, I certainly will not. After making a mockery of a deathly serious situation and a good man, may he rot in Hell.
 
Don:

I've been an invalid for many years now, and some of it due to cancer, which I thankfully beat - I hope. I have been in the mall, and had a woman run full force into me in my wheelchair while she was looking way from her line of advance and talking to her shopping companion. This was a well-dressed lady, not the "sweats and sneakers, lard butt" variety. When she got up (we both wound up on the floor) she cussed me roundly and at the top of her voice, and said that we cripples shouldn't be allowed in public with normal people. Unfair, but she showed a fairly common reaction to being in contact with an invalid. People don't like to admit such things exist - it scares them.

Hers was a shock reaction, and those can show a bit of a person's true soul. Your "friend", however, is on a lower evolutionary scale than that. Like "Eddie" in the "Leave it to Beaver" series, his sense of humor hinges on the inappropriate. He knows this behavior is anti-normal, and his brain can't conceive of anyone being hurt by his spoutings. After all, he is funny. He is, in a word, STUPID as opposed to ignorant. Ignorance is cured with knowledge. Stupidity is the inability to absorb knowledge, and he simply wouldn't understand a shot in the mouth as a response to his actions. My dog has more intelligence - he actually worrys about peoples reactions to his antics.

As you said, cut him out of your life. If you need satisfaction, tell him the remark he made to your uncle was the dumbest, cruelest, thing you've ever heard of one person doing to another, and you don't want to have anything more to do with him. Cut him cold, walk off, no more conversation, and forget him. He is, as my grandson says, a waste of skin.
 
I fully agree with Walosi. The fact that he did not even have the intelligence to keep his mouth shut, proves that he would probably not understand why you are upset by his comments. The amount of anger you express speacks volume for your loyalty and common sense.
 
I disagree with Walosi on one point; cutting him off forever. You have the right idea letting him know how you feel about what he has done. You have the right idea to allow him the grace of an apology. The grace comes from you. ( and God)

You are rebuking an evil action, not an evil person. You may never feel the same about him again, he's earned it. On the other hand, confronting bad behavior, evil, carries with it a responsibility. This may be just the incident to bring this man up to the next step of 'evolutionary developement."

Who cares about this slob? Well, not me. I have enough slobs to deal with in my life. If any of them surprise me and become human beings, though, I wont step on their fingers as they grasp for the next rung.

As you can probably guess, I was once an ignorant slob.

I've been assuming he will apologize. If he doesn't, or doesn't get it, I'm through. I've found when I say what must be said, I'm clean, and can walk away or just walk. There is nothing to carry.

munk
 
Originally posted by munk
You are rebuking an evil action, not an evil person.
Click to expand...

I feel that as long as this society continues to separate people from their actions, there will ultimately be no accountability left. The slob's actions truly reflect the blackness in his heart and in his being. Cut him off.
 
Choose the ones that you call "friend" wisely. A friend sticks with you in the good times and the bad. You may not want to cut this guy out entirely but put him on the "B" list. The list of people that you know but realize that you can't rely on them for much.
 
Many people do not know how to handle the desparately ill and dying. Sometimes their brains just go off track and they can say and do incredibly callous and stupid things.... But there is no justification for this.

Cut him out of your life, but tell him why, tell him how you feel, but maybe you had better have someone with you so that you don't jump on him and beat the crap out of him. Unfortunately the Law would not understand.

But don't let this emotion eat you up.

Try to let this hate go and turn your love to your "Uncle" now. You are probably filled with emotions about the cancer and what it is doing to someone you care about. It is important that you keep those emotions focussed as positive as possible.

I will go out on a limb and tell you a prayer that works for me. I know that it has nothing to do with Khuks. At first I though of making this a private email, but I feel that it needs to be shared. I know it works over and over.

Jesus said, "Ask in My Name."

I say out loud and do the following.

"I am carrying a burden that I do not want to carry."

"I know that Jesus Christ came to take my burdens"

"I ask, in the Name of Jesus Christ that He take this burden from me right now"

Close your eyes and remain silent until He does.


I apologise if I offend some people by offering this up, but this works for me.

Bill Marsh
 
I've done my share of laughing at inappropriate times. I'm grateful to those who put up with me and supported me through my apparent callousness.
 
Sometimes you laugh when you don't know what else to do.

Without understanding it is difficult to forgive but if you can forgive do it because you will build good karma for yourself.

Blessings to "uncle" -- it is a tough way to go.
 
Don,

Sympathies for all aspects of your story.
Everyone here is making good points.

Here's m2c:
Most (arguably all, if analysed in depth) anger comes from fear.
Basic neurobiology in the vein of "Fight or Flight".
'Fight or flight' can lead to almost any behavior, depending on the individual.
The more - human - we become, the more we learn to deal properly with our fears.
We're in this world to become as human as we choose.

Your extraordinarily rude acquaintance may be doing well in other areas.
After all, until now you have called him friend for probably good reasons.
This so, my best guess is that this person is afraid to find himself helpless.
He's lashing out.
_No_ excuse for his behavior.
A way to understand the feelings, how people work.
Most people who behave badly on an occasion, do so because of some reason that can be overcome.
Not because they have an overwhelmingly bad character.

In your situation, my _first_ inclination would be to turn my back.
I hope that I would give him the opportunity to make good on his error.
I would bring up the subject of the uncle in a normal light and see how he reacts.
Then simply say that the rudeness offends / hurts me and our other friends.
This may make him more afraid.
If he is willing to make amends, all for the best.
If not, then I say goodbye and leave him to stew in his own poison.
I should tell him how I don't want to be associated with such behavior.
I'd hope to turn myself toward the virtues that make us human.
So I would hope to do.

There is a quote from a novel that has always spoken loudly to me:
"They say here 'all roads lead to Mishnory.' To be sure, if you turn your back on Mishnory and walk away from it, you are still on the Mishnory road. To oppose vulgarity is inevitably to be vulgar. You must go somewhere else; you must have another goal; then you walk a different road." Ursula K Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness.
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At the same time, I believe we cannot simply turn a blind eye when someone is hurt.
"The best beloved of all things in My sight is justice." Baha'u'llah

It is -Not- kindness to the victim - Or - to the perpetrator to allow harm.
At the same time, two wrongs don't make a right.

A delicate or difficult balance it can be.

Hard for me to stop once I get started.

------------------------------------
www.dictionary.com
rude: Relatively undeveloped; primitive / Being in a crude, rough, unfinished condition: / In a natural, raw state / Lacking the graces and refinement of civilized life; uncouth. / Lacking education or knowledge; unlearned. / Ill-mannered; discourteous / Vigorous, robust, and sturdy. / Abruptly and unpleasantly forceful
 
My heart goes out to your Uncle! I hope I or any one I love never have to fight that battle! I'll pray for you!
 
Let him know how you feel, and take it from there. I cant say cut him off, or give him x number of chances, thats something youre gonna have to decide with how he reacts and how you feel deep in your heart. But to me not telling him how you feel is tacit acceptence of behavior. Ive always believed that silence is the loudest agreement. There are many people in this world who will not change no matter what, and somedays its better to just let them stay. Ill also say that there are many people out there who just do not handle relationships the same way. There are some the minute the S#$t hits the fan will jump ship, the ones who stay are your real friends.
 
Thinking about it this guy was only with us when he needed something. I think I only need to tell him one last thing. Thanks for the advice all.
 
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