OT: Gotta Vent

Josh Feltman · Oct 9, 2003

Sorry, folks, this is way off topic, but I've gotta vent. My wife's little cousin has been staying with us at our dome for the past year. She's lived there rent-free. Well, to make a long story short, she decided that she wanted to quit her job and go to school at the community college where I teach. She borrowed some money from my wife's dad to make her car and insurance payments, and picked up a part-time job for living expenses. She gave some of the money to my wife for safe keeping so that she didn't end up spending it all. Well, it turns out she hasn't made a payment on the car in the last four months! The repo man showed up at my wife's aunt's place (she signed or co-signed on the car loan) two weeks ago on Sunday. Well, my wife's aunt made the back payments, but she wanted the car back. We basically had to track my wife's cousin down to get the car back as she was down in Chico partying with her friends instead of returning the car as she had agreed. My wife gave her aunt the remaining money she was holding for her cousing to help cover the back payments, though she didn't tell her cousin about this. Well, we got all that taken care of, and my wife offered to give her rides to and form work in Chico. That was last weekend. We haven't seen her since Monday. Today she calls and asks my wife for the money. My wife tells her she gave it to her aunt to cover the car payments, and her cousin totally goes off on her. My wife pretty much blew up at her and told her to get her stuff out of the dome tonight. My wife was virtually in hysterics when she called to tell me all this, which makes me very angry.

I'm on my way home shortly to make sure than my wife's cousin doesn't pack up anything that isn't supposed to go, like our belongings, trash the place, etc. God, what a nightmare. We've bent over backwards to help her, and this is how she repays us

--j.

Mr.BadExample · Oct 9, 2003

Sorry to hear about it. Some people are just born freeloaders. They see help as an entitlement, instead of a hand-up.
At least you didn't let her walk all over you. She took advantage, but you cut it off quickly. Maybe she'll learn someday.

Bill Martino · Oct 9, 2003

Remember the old saying, "no good deed goes unpunished?"

Sadly, the world seems to have more than its fair share of ungrateful people.

Skeletor · Oct 9, 2003

You can't pick your relatives. Unless we have UB adopt everyone on the forum, what a family that would be!

clearblue · Oct 9, 2003

Sounds like she was around long enough to find out all the details such as:
1-Where the guns are kept
2-Jewerly where & how much
3-your in and out times

Be prepared for her to tell everything about you to her new found friends and expect your home to be cleaned out while you're gone off to work or out to a movie or just grocery shopping.

You need to alert all your neighbors to be on the look out for strangers in the hood.
You need to alert the local Police Department and request driveby's.
Get a cell phone give the number to the neighbors and ask them to call you immediately if they see any activity at your residence while you're out.
She probably won't be caught robbing but you can bet she now feels entitled to anything you have of value and will get others to do the deed just so she'll have "plausible deniability."

For a while at least, get a safe deposit lock box and get your valuables secured. Take down ALL serial number's and be prepared to submit the list to the investigator so your stuff will be positively id'ed when it hits the pawns.

Good luck and change your locks.

hollowdweller · Oct 9, 2003

I can sooo relate. I had a friend that lived with us for a year after he got divorced. Didn't contribute monetarily, helped out a little. Even though he wasn't working he cooked us 2 meals the whole time. It used to burn me up to come home from work and wash his dishes. Finally we put up the cash and he fixed up a cabin on our place to live in. That worked out pretty well and he got a job, but was still real dependant on us. Finally he moved. Still is my friend and I miss having him around but it is so much less stress to not have to deal with the frustration.

Still dealing with difficult people is probably good for us in some way. I don't know WHAT way, but I keep telling myself that every time I do it...

Yvsa · Oct 9, 2003

They can be closer to you than a cousin and still do that. My granddaughter who lived with us for two years rent free, sold her my old car instead of trading it in and lost a good $1000.00, probably more.
She did well for about a year, was on her feet, had a good job, a decnet car and basically had it made. And was talking about going back to school.
She got to running with her mommy again, my daughter, smokin dope and the like.
She was afraid she was gonna get caught here with it and after I told her to catch up on her last two car payments and finish paying off the car as she agreed, which she did, she moved out.
A relief for us!!!!
I won't get into it all, but I took her to work in an air conditioned car where she worked in an air conditioned office, picked her up and lived in an air conditioned house where she wouldn't get off her fat ass.
She would tell me and my Barbie, "Grandma I don't know how you work all day in that hot shop, 130* to 140* at the heighth of summer, and then come home and do all you do here!"
When she moved out she got online in some chat room, met some damned hillbilly dumbass down in Georgia, went down there, got her fat ass knocked up, and then came back. She still hasn't called me.
Do you think she ever will? I don't, she hasn't the guts!!!!

Half of my kids and grandkids belong on the Jerry Springer Show.

:grumpy:

BruiseLeee · Oct 10, 2003

I'd be a grateful freeloader. Anyone wanna take me in? I don't eat much and I'm housebroken.

philthygeezer · Oct 10, 2003

It's going to be harder for you after all this is said and done. Please read this and maybe you can avoid how I feel now:

I gave a friend 200 bucks a month off the rent for about three years, with the condition that he kept the house and yard up.

The guy was a slob. The back landing was a perpetual pig sty. Beer bottles stayed on my gazebo over winter and I had to mow the lawn. The meter man came by and said, "Wow! Must have had quite a party last night!" Actually the party was last YEAR. Dad felt that I had let the house slide, but I damn well paid someone to maintain and I wasn't going to bend over and do everything myself.

To top it all off, he stiffed me on the last month's rent of $433.00. I figure he jerked me out of $2800 over the last year. He waited for me to move out of town before he came and got his stuff.

This from a guy who always said, "Phil, you're my Best Friend!". A guy that complained about how his other friends stiffed him for 20 bucks or a few drinks. A guy that complained how he was the only one that dealt fairly with people. A guy that whined about how his parents were left destitute because a man screwed them on a business. A man that should damn well know better.

Words speak much louder than actions. His verbal portrayal of himself as a standup guy doesn't hold any water.

I am trying to swallow this one, but I am VERY angry. I am going to phone him and leave a message as to how little character he has, and how he is the same as the man that made him poor as a child. I am going to tell him that our friendship is officially over, and that he can piss up a rope.

This has made me look at everything in my life: who else is using me?Almost everyone I have trusted has not lived up to what they say, including most of my family. When I left town, my so called 'best friends' were too busy to come out and say goodbye, even for a few minutes. I found out that I had 2 real friends, and everyone else I loved didn't care much.

This whole mess has left me with nothing but contempt and mistrust for people and my church. I am never going to let anyone take advantage of me again. I don't expect anyone to do the right thing. I don't trust people or organisations anymore. My faith in anything but me is completely gone.

I have been a Christian since I was born, but now I have extreme misgivings about the whole thing and wonder if it's just another way to control me and get money and power for someone else. I have researched the Bible and now believe that a lot of Christian Church doctrine is simply full of $h!t. Christ himself is probably very pissed about what we did with his teaching. Why should I listen to what a bunch of hypocrites have to tell me? I lived my life how they preached while they and their children didn't bother! I wasted the best years of my life on something even they didn't believe. Actions speak louder than words. If my poor mother and ailing grandfather knew how I actually felt... So I keep going to church and not making any waves and feeling trapped.

The worst part is I hate myself for letting it happen. I have lost self-respect by allowing people to rape me repeatedly while I assumed the position of the 'nice guy' who tries to do everything right. Now I don't respect me and nobody else does either. If I do respect me, then I have to speak up and stand up and hurt people's feelings. I may wind up crushing my parents and getting excommunicated in the process. However I have the philosphy of Christ in my heart, so how could they declare that I have no part in Him? I have more of a part than any of those @$$holes!

To sum it all up, I feel like a total dork: A complete fool for not seeing the reality of things. I am hurt and angry and fearful and upset all at once. I am a coward for not standing up for myself.

How can I leave this anger and hurt?

So you see it's just going to get worse. Sorry. Tell her what she did wrong, then tell her how you really feel. Then give her the boot. You'll feel better in the long run. My so-called best friend didn't appreciate me not turfing him but rather just took it as far as he could get away with. He's not thankful that I overlooked his shortcomings, he just thinks I'm an ass and so does everyone else. So you see she won't respect you if you give her another chance, so don't.

Kismet · Oct 10, 2003

Phil?

It's waaay too early, but I can't sleep. So you suffer:

Knock it off.

If you examine each and every thing you did, you did them because you felt you were doing the RIGHT thing. It is futile and pointless to look backwards and say, "Damn, I should have done...seen...been aware...etc." At the time you made each of the decisions you choose to make, you examined the alternatives and choose the one which you felt was the best choice. That's it. You made the best choices you could, given the information and life-experience you had available.

What DID you do? Only those things which fit within your moral compass as the correct things to do. What aspect of this decision-making process are you faulting? It is not only completely illogical, but it is past.... Let it, or them, go.

You seem a fine person. I like you. Others here do as well. Why? Well, because you are you. Moral compass and all. Accept that others are not conscientious about how they conduct themselves. They will either get caught up in their devious behaviors, or not. But that's them. You do what you think is right for you to do...just as you always have done.

I don't know that you should forgive them, but understand...they ALSO think they are making the right decisions. The difference is they are not seeing outside of themselves, or can abide their own hypocrisy, or have no real sense of what is right and what is wrong.

Their misbehavior should make you wiser, but not any less of the person you really are.

Let it go, friend.

lifter4Him · Oct 10, 2003

Originally posted by philthygeezer
I have researched the Bible and now believe that a lot of Christian Church doctrine is simply full of $h!t. Christ himself is probably very pissed about what we did with his teaching. Why should I listen to what a bunch of hypocrites have to tell me? However I have the philosphy of Christ in my heart, so how could they declare that I have no part in Him? I have more of a part than any of those @$$holes!

You hit that nail on the head.

hollowdweller · Oct 10, 2003

Since we're going on about it: So my friend who moved had no way to move and wanted to use my truck. My truck has massive mileage so I rented a 24 foot U haul, PLUS a car dolly so he could haul his junk car out of here that he never made the effort to get rid of.

The idea was he take all his stuff. Well I was on vacation when he moved. After I got back there was still all this junk in the cabin and a month went by and he never even called me and gave me back the key! Finally he came by and said he'd come back and clean up. Never did. So I loaded up a whole truck worth of stuff and brought it to him

This included like just 9 bags of household garbage.

We have garbage pickup and he easily could have snuck a bag over and the trashmen would have picked it up but he just let it stack up over there.

I work evaluating Social Security Disability and SSI claims. As far as what Jesus said about the poor always being with you? It's true. Now some impoverished people are just down on their luck or had a bad run of circumstances. But the majority just have character flaws that will always land them in trouble.

For instance my friend was always poor and "never had time" to do what's right. We added it up once and he spent over $200 a month on weed, cigs and beer. He had a ten minute drive to work(I have an hour one way) but was always too busy.

I drive an hour to work each way, milk 7 goats and take care of various livestock in the evening and I still "had time" to do more than he did.

I think it is still right to help such people, but we all gotta figure out how to draw the line.

We gotta think: "Is helping them making me a better person? Or, are we getting resentful and stressed out?
Also: " Is my help making them a better person" or should they have to live with the consequences of their actions sooner.

BruiseLeee · Oct 10, 2003

Originally posted by philthygeezer
I have been a Christian since I was born, but now I have extreme misgivings about the whole thing and wonder if it's just another way to control me and get money and power for someone else. I have researched the Bible and now believe that a lot of Christian Church doctrine is simply full of $h!t. Christ himself is probably very pissed about what we did with his teaching. Why should I listen to what a bunch of hypocrites have to tell me? I lived my life how they preached while they and their children didn't bother! I wasted the best years of my life on something even they didn't believe. Actions speak louder than words. If my poor mother and ailing grandfather knew how I actually felt... So I keep going to church and not making any waves and feeling trapped.

The thing about churches or any congregation is that not everyone inside is a "believer". The New Testament on many occasions warns about false teachers and the like. Just because they wear clean clothes and carry a bible doesn't mean they even believe what they're carrying. You still have to evaluate everyone on what they say and what they do. With Christains, do their words and behaviour match with biblical teachings (not necesarrily what the guy up front is saying)? If yes, they are, if not maybe they're a wolf in sheep's clothing. The same goes with picking friends. Someone is not my friend because he went to school with me. He would be my friend because we can trust one another on some level. Those whom I don't trust as much, I keep further away.

Dunno. Uncle Bill is someone who's been a nice guy and has probably been burned by people who have abused his warranty policy. But look at the respect and honor he has heaped upon his name.

I think all I really wanted to say was, "Be a nice guy but choose your friends wisely".

(just a reminder, no one has taken me up on the freeloading thing so I'm still open to offers.

)

etp777 · Oct 10, 2003

You have to live by your moral compass, even if others attempt to screw youthen. And this applie sto most any religion that I know of. Wehther you say you're building up karma, or rewards in heaven, or anything else. There is always a plus to being the better man. If nothing else, YOU know that you have been. Sure it's hard, I really struggle with it at times. But you have to do whta you know is right, even if you know it won't turn out well. Shows strength of characte,r which sadly, I don't alway shave, but have to keep trying.

And yes, not all churches are really following Christ, and even in a good church, not all of the people there are really believers. In my experience(admittedly limited), smaller churches tend to be a higher percentage of real belivers(when you find a good smaller church), because in the smaller church everyone knows you, and it's harder to get away with hiding something/faking it.

My .02

hollowdweller · Oct 10, 2003

While we are talking about how people treat us:

Quote Yvsa:

10/9 "damned hillbilly dumbass"

10/8 "Had a case of the appalachia dumbass?"

To us who live in the hills of appalachia, calling somebody the above is like saying someone is a "stupid n*gger" . Stupidity and being a dumbass is not limited to people who live in the mountains, or any ethnic group. Nor is being rude and insensitive.

Apa6 · Oct 10, 2003

Originally posted by Bill Martino
Remember the old saying, "no good deed goes unpunished?"

Sadly, the world seems to have more than its fair share of ungrateful people.

Before I read your response I was thinking the same phrase. Some people are toxic and will contaminate anyone they come in contact with.

Apa6 · Oct 10, 2003

I had the same problem with my brother.
He also had a car repossesed but only 12 months after the guys in the wrecker showed up at my place at 3am.

I was working full time and taking care of my Alzheimer's father at the time. My brother felt entitled to everything. It got to the point that we got in an argument everytime I cleaned the house because I moved his junk from the place on the floor where he left it.

Uggghhh!
I had to ask him to leave 2 years ago and he went to Mom's house and was kicked out there for trying to take control and has leeched off of everyone in his life ever since.... Amazing how people can spend so much effort on being unemployed. Being a mooch is a full time job

I will never live with anyone I am not getting married to again.

etp777 · Oct 10, 2003

HD, he was kidding with you, and giving an honest opinion of the other person. I'm white, but I call certain people white trash, because they are that, trash. if you choose to be offended by that, that's your choice. Seem a little thin skinned to me.

Tohatchi NM · Oct 10, 2003

Originally posted by hollowdweller
To us who live in the hills of appalachia, calling somebody the above is like saying someone is a "stupid n*gger" . Stupidity and being a dumbass is not limited to people who live in the mountains, or any ethnic group. Nor is being rude and insensitive.

Yup. Unfortunately, some people fit and perpetuate the stereotype. There's honest folk and morons everywhere. If you shake my family tree, a few hillbilly dirt farmers will fall out.

Taking the general topic of this thread, if people don't grow up right and have good examples to follow, their priorities get skewed. To the point where $100 sneakers are more important than 3 meals a day. To the point where you have a $30,000 car and a $10,000 house. It's pretty sad, actually.

Apa6 · Oct 10, 2003

Originally posted by hollowdweller
While we are talking about how people treat us:

Quote Yvsa:

10/9 "damned hillbilly dumbass"

10/8 "Had a case of the appalachia dumbass?"

To us who live in the hills of appalachia, calling somebody the above is like saying someone is a "stupid n*gger" . Stupidity and being a dumbass is not limited to people who live in the mountains, or any ethnic group. Nor is being rude and insensitive.

I am from the North Georgia Mountains. Ellijay, Ga to be specific.
I am not offended by it because he is not talking about me or my family.
Depending on the area of country you are from there are groups of people that are typically worthless. In california its bikers, in Oklahoma I bet its hillbillys, in georgia its the rednecks (as derogatory here as the N* word). Those of us from the mountains distance ourselves from rednecks and would rather be called a hillbilly than a redneck (connotations of racism and stupidity).

Just wanted to clarify that its the language you use from what you see at home.