IN THE BEGINNING. . .
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice
Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and
as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10
pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white
flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And
Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh
green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried
fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And
Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel
Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake
and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might
lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote
control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And
Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And
Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer
calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created
McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said,
"You want fries with that! ?" And Man replied, "Yes! And
super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day ..... There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
Old Age wisdom
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.
Don't mess with old timers ...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and
populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice
Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want
chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and
as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10
pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the
figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white
flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And
Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh
green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried
fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And
Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel
Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake
and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might
lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote
control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And
Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light
and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And
Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer
calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created
McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said,
"You want fries with that! ?" And Man replied, "Yes! And
super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day ..... There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.
Old Age wisdom
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.
Don't mess with old timers ...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
