OT (humour) - language distortions

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Nov 27, 2001
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FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE
(OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):


-- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

-- A backward poet writes inverse.

-- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

-- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

-- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

-- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

-- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

-- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

-- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

-- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

-- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

-- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

-- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

-- In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

-- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

-- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

-- If you don't pay your exorcist, you are repossessed.

-- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

-- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

-- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

-- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

-- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

-- Every calendar's days are numbered.

-- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

-- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

-- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

-- A plateau is a high form of flattery.

-- A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

-- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

-- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

-- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

-- Acupuncture is a jab well done
 
Wow - I understood about 90% of them. :D

You real teach me idioms...

Thanks a lot - may I copy and forward this to a collegue (she teaches English - and might use one sentence or another of these)?

Andreas
 
Andreas,

you're welcome to copy them. I myself received them as a forward.

which ones didn't you get?


cheers,
--Ben
 
which ones didn't you get?

-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. please explain
:D

no seriously:
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. (edit: OK - I got it now...:rolleyes: )

the rest is clear - if I read them loudly...
Andreas
 
Originally posted by Pan Tau
-- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. please explain
:D
-- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. (edit: OK - I got it now...:rolleyes: )


OK, you got these then, right?

Originally posted by Pan Tau
--
no seriously:
-- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)


a 'dead giveaway' means that something is obvious.

the pun is on 'will' as 'last will & testament', in which one can leave wealth & property to relatives, friends, etc.

thus, wealth and property are _given away_ at the _death_ of the will's writer.

--B.
 
The guy who compared the cantina to Spider Robinson's Callahan's Crosstime Saloon ( and it's sequella ) rather than the Star Wars bar is definitely on a roll today.

the pun about a man "needing a mistress to break the monogamy"...

Monotony means doing same thing over and over again.

Monogamy means marriage to one spouse, rather than bigamy, which is marriage to 2 or more spouses at the same time.

Having a mistress on the side is frowned upon ( especially by spouses ) for some reason.
 
Thanks - I am now fully informed...
and I like it. :D

Andreas

For the interested and German-speakers something similar:

German Chancellor Schroeder visits the US. Bush looks at Schroeder`s wife Doris and asks him: "Is this your First Lady ?" Schroeder: "No, my fourth!"

Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Schroeder und einer Telefonzelle? Zum telefonieren muß man erst zahlen, dann wählen.

Schroeder will einen arbeitslosen Architekten trösten: "Wenn ich nicht Kanzler wäre, würde ich Häuser bauen." Sagt der Architekt: "Wenn Sie nicht Kanzler wären, würde ich das auch..."

«Warum hat Müller seinen Sohn Hamlet genannt?» «Ja, sein oder nicht sein, das ist die Frage.»

Ein Cowboy, der sein Pferd verloren hat ist ein Sattelschlepper.
 
"Sattelschlepper" One who schleps saddles?

ahem - yes. "schleppen"= to carry something heavy and "Sattel" = saddle. So a cowboy who lost his horse has to carry the saddle.
-But a "Sattelschlepper" is a heavy truck (the ones that transport caterpillars, tanks and so on)

It was too easy - even Bruise got it ... :(

Btw - I heard the jokes you have to explain are the worst (or wurst... German confusion...:confused: )

Andreas
 
I don't quite get these, but here is what I understand:

Originally posted by Pan Tau
Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Schroeder und einer Telefonzelle? Zum telefonieren muß man erst zahlen, dann wählen.

'What is the difference between (German Chancellor=Prime Minister=President) Schroeder and a telephone? On a telephone, one has to dial first and then connect' [?-not sure here, i understand both zahlen and waehlen as 'dialing']

But the pun (I think!) here is that:

'...on a telephone, one has to [vote] first and then [tally votes]..'


Originally posted by Pan Tau

Schroeder will einen arbeitslosen Architekten trösten: "Wenn ich nicht Kanzler wäre, würde ich Häuser bauen." Sagt der Architekt: "Wenn Sie nicht Kanzler wären, würde ich das auch..."

Schroeder intending to console an unemployed architect, says 'If I were not Chancellor, I would build houses'. The architect replies 'If you were not Chancellor, I would be too...'

Originally posted by Pan Tau

«Warum hat Müller seinen Sohn Hamlet genannt?» «Ja, sein oder nicht sein, das ist die Frage.»

Why has Mueller named his son Hamlet? Yes, to be or not to be, that is the question.

(I don't get it :( )


Originally posted by Pan Tau

Ein Cowboy, der sein Pferd verloren hat ist ein Sattelschlepper.

A cowboy who has lost his horse is a saddle-carrier.

(also don't get it - there must be some pun on Sattelschlepper?)
 
Hello Beo,

Why has Mueller named his son Hamlet? Yes, to be or not to be, that is the question.

- not "Yes" but "Well".
The pun is the shakespearian quote "to be or not to be" is in German "sein oder nicht sein". "sein" is "to be" OR the possessive pronoun "his" (so his son or not his son - Mueller is not sure - so he called him Hamlet)

'What is the difference between (German Chancellor=Prime Minister=President) Schroeder and a telephone? On a telephone, one has to dial first and then connect'

"zahlen" is "to pay", "waehlen" is "to vote" and "to dial"
So with the telephone you pay first and then you dial - with Schroeder we voted first and had to pay afterwards (higher taxes).

(also don't get it - there must be some pun on Sattelschlepper?)

Yes - as I told Bruise "Sattelschlepper" is a heavy truck - but is a compund from "schleppen" "to carry a heavy thing" and "Sattel" "saddle" A cowboy who lost his horse will have to carry the saddle himself - he is a "Sattelschlepper".

The one with the architect you got quite right.

There are a lot of puns with our beloved Chancellor right now - as you may know he and his foreign minister Joschka Fischer are serial monogamists - both are married for the fouth time now :eek: (unthinkable in the US for someone on this level of politics I guess). The Chancellor and the foreign minister (vice chancellor) are the ones to give the orders to the Bundeswehr in case of war - so the must not travel together in one plane - I heard this is because the state had to pay eight widow`s pensions if the plane crashed...
It is also said that Schroeder likes to travel in Audi-cars ( he does not use Mercedes Benz) because the four rings of the Audi-Symbol remind him of his four marriages...

As the green foreign minister is a fanatic runner and marathonist there is also the pun "Schroeder braucht keinen roten Teppich - er hat einen grünen Läufer" - "Läufer" is "runner" = someone who runs but also a long and narrow carpet (in German and in English I think). So it should work in English too: "Schroeder does not need a red carpet - has has a green runner"

Translating jokes of that kind is hard work I guess...

Andreas
 
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