ot - I decided I would go at 4am

B

Bruce of 1

Joined
Apr 16, 2004
Messages
199
tonight was the worst night of my life easy, my new trick is to write everything down as i feel the need. this is the first time i have posted one, i just feel the need to share. Lord knows I don't want to tell my friends and intialize the final stages of game over. I'll have to though. If not anything else, I only wish it to be a good story in the non-fiction aisle.
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I decided I would go at 4am, in my underwear typing to her messages in between dry heaves and that shallow blood feeling that is usualy followed by passing out. I got dressed to leave as we talked on an online messanger. Her facts met with my pleading and reasons. 1 more day if she gave me would have been all that it would have taken. her words had that effect, literaly making me ill. 6 months, online is not good enough, I have to hear her say it or i will never accept it.

Again our hero races off into the night to face the unknown and dangerous.
Talking to this girl, my girl. the love would be dangerous. As afraid of her words as I was confident in myself. All of this with the ever constant fact that if her father woke he would go into battle mode assume a burglar has gotten into the home and is with his daughter. Wich would immidiatly follow me being beaten or shot. Taking my boots off before her house across the street to creep into her back yard where she waits.

I called her name in a pleading wisper to the open window I knew she was waiting at on the other side. The soft knocking on the door didn't work. She peered through the window with her wide cryed out eyes, she glided to that spot in the window as if tracks led her. She is indeed beautiful.
My talking to her vantage point in wisper were met with deafness. Time to come out and play I guess, the only way we could hear each other
She walked out of her back door, waiting for me. she closed it so slightly to avoid the sounds that are unavoidable, the door squeeked and the stairs creeeked with her gracefull dreded steps.

From the moment I saw her I was frozen and as paraylzed as a deer in headlights if it could sing and dance on stage.

We were undernieth her back deck all things silent except for the nieghbours wondering who the guy in black was creeping through the yard in tactical fashion. Overgrown grass on my sock feet and a blue night taking care of the rest.

In her hands were my aerosmith t-shirt she had borrowed since this ending fiasco began, as she stepped I noticed it and it felt like a death sentence written in her hands as she gave it back to me, knowing it was an omen.
She hasn't stopped crying since she began, I immidietly took her to my arms and told her the promise to mysdelf that it would be alright.

We talked inbetween breakdown crying taken down with tight hugs.
Happy 6th month I thought.

I pleaded my case with all the conviction my body offered. I'm more stubborn that she ever knew.
It was useless, I was too late. One day is all it would have taken in the last week. I didn't know because I wasn't there.

1 more day, literaly all that began this was over and 1 more day and I could have returned to my faithfull love's side. I didn't have that day, I was probably in the negative figures now.
She can't love me anymore beause it hurts too much, it hurt to bad it had to give.

I do understand though , putting myself in her position I kinda wanna break up with me too.
Some of her words,Ii wish i could forge them into a blade because I know it could kill. I can never stand to have her cry.
My fault.
I told her to forgive herself, because it was my fault.
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Epilogue

2 nights crying in a row, a new lifelong record.
It took me 2 years to get this girl after spending one night with her, I figure factored in it will take me another 508 years to get her back. Mathimaticly that is.
I'll try just being there and my best not to fall into a bottle.
I could get angry, very angry. It's in my nature. Not tonight though, I have the rest of my life to be angry.
I can only be angry with myself, I don't want to be angry anymore.
 
Grieve, Bruce, knowing at the same time you experienced something that had great value in your life. The relationship helped you learn about yourself, and you will be your companion every second of your life...the more you learn, the better you will live that life.

Don't do anything stupid.

Someday, in the future, you will smile sadly at the love, and love lost. But if my life is any example, you will be SO grateful to have had something so very special that it changed, or polished, who you are.

Be well and safe, friend.


Kis
 
This happened on a tuesday night or wednday morning take you pick.
My monday , the first night of tears in 5 years I am going to call "dissent into madness, and objective look at insanity at a personal level" or "How I lost it Jack"


Probably the last one as I shuffled around town repeating phrases with the name Jack at the end. Must have been something to see. Yes I left the khuk at home.

how ya doin' JACK, good to see you JACK, how are ya JACK, how ya doin JACK. and about a dozen others each repeated about 15 times each.

I don't know anyone named Jack and swear I've just hit some low points not actualy insane.
 
"one day will come and you will find that you barely thought about her at all, and the days go by and its out of memory. someday though you'll remember and it will be as bad as the day it happened. you get over it"
-Star Trek :D
 
"All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain."
Quote from movie Blade Runner

Don't despair just keep on walking the path and rest assured, the dust will get into your eyes again and you will rub them and think to yourself -I have been here before.

If man were immortal he could be perfectly sure of seeing the day when everything in which he had trusted should betray his trust, and, in short, of coming eventually to hopeless misery. He would break down, at last, as every good fortune, as every dynasty, as every civilization does. In place of this we have death. ~Charles Sanders Peirce

Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty five years and you pay it back and then one day you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then one day you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe. ~Denis Leary

Who ever said it was going to be easy?
 
Time and loss of memory heals many things.





:( turns to :mad: which turns to :grumpy: which eventually turns to :)

It just takes some time. Resolve to not do anything stupid in the meantime.
 
ok ok ok time to get pumped for this one.


life should be chaos, it should be alive , strut pose and scream, not shuffle along staring at its feet, strive for extremes because without this , we have no means to advance. by not pushing our social boundries, acceptance and survival there will be no way to be a freek a noble freek.
it will be the damaged, the losers the freaks that will strive through each persons understood suffering will seek to better this world. tremendous power.
the unbelievable strength of self realization, not only the most powerful concept to understand, but key to our species to survive
our world is a fantastic terror to behold. fantastic wonder of deprevity truth wonder and uglieness
we must not allow us to be subdued and medicated into numbness.
as they seek to do to me,well meaning mothers fathers doctors and proffesionals they would medicate you to make a normal or well adjusted corpse, without the passions or depressions of a living being.
true peace is only found by the dead
life should be chaos of symphony, not a black deathly silence. i pray that what ever gods exist give me every give me the every rising peak of excitment and the lowest drag of depression and never once give me an idea of how to carry on. so i can say when it comes time to die, i have lived.
forever make me deaf to medicraty and toss the dice and tempt the irony gods for the experience so that a man can learn. and find his own way to survive.
 
It is usually men who suffer the most in a breakup.


There; I've said it. Now someone can prove me wrong.


You had to do what you did. I wish I could take half my own pleads back- that is, if I still worried about it.

I think learning when something is over and walking is very had to do.



munk
 
I believe that women tend to build supportive web of relationships, both inside and outside family and work. Where as most men have large numbers of competetive relationships, they have fewer supportive ones. Except for those like me, I have few relationships outside work and family.
 
mamav said:
Munk,

Why did you say that?
Click to expand...
Gin, I shouldn't be, and I am not telling you this and I will deny it with my dieing breath...:grumpy: :rolleyes: :p
Men are emotionally weaker than women when it comes to matters of the heart.:(
Actually the male gender is weaker in many ways than the female gender, except generally for brute strength.
But on the other hand when enough breakups occur a man builds up resistance and it gets easier and easier. That is until he gets in a long term relationship with deep mutual love. Then a breakup is liable to make him go mad or kill him, in one way or another.
I have seen it happen many, many times. Some men just choke it down and eventually get over it but not in a healthy way and that's all I'm gonna say about it. Can't tell all the secrets or dispell all the myths.:p ;)
Any more than that and we will have to take it to email as I've probably already revealed too much for a public forum.:rolleyes: :p ;) :D
 
Different people feel recoil differently. Same recoil impulse, but one person will say the .45 "kicks" a lot, while another complains it's another round that's REALLY hard to control. The rounds have an inherent amount of energy that is unaffected by how we feel them, but each user feels and responds to it differently.

I think relationships are like that.

Bruce, I know what it's like to love. I know what it's like to feel heartbroken. It
gets better, if you let it.

Hang in there.

John
 
Bruce, my man, I'll have to take a minority position here and tell you that I don't believe a word of your story. It feels more like your entry in the "Munk-HI Creative Writing Contest" than the telling of a real experience.

But, if it did happen, your writing about it in that artificial, pretentious, style probably means that you relate and speak like that. No wonder you can't keep a girl! You need to get real my friend.

In the meantime, rent a good porno flick and listen to your inner voice-JACK!
 
Does sound a shade bull crappy, doesn't it?

But, then, what do I know about the subject. :p
 
Yvsa, If I am any example ,you are right on the money! (as usual) In a generic sense the Ladies are stronger and us blokes..well we just fall in a heap of s..t.
 
As far as i can tell there are 2 stages to go through, the shift and teh lock stages.

shifting gears, to understand ever single piece of information relating to what you're life is now. to abandon hang ups and what you hold close because they don't exist anymore
also the time to decide what is still relavent.

lock, when gears lock and start truning wtih said new package of info, you're life takes off at this speed. when everthing is realized and applied.

took me 6 hours to get all of that done, I feel mostly silly posting this now.
I guess I stand by my impulse to post.

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oh and Ben thats alright by me, not everyone is going to like what a guy does.
it is real though.
 
Bruce, enjoy and revel in the pain, it's proof that you are still emotionally alive. Pain always accompanies love.
 
All generalities fail, but there is a contradiction in men- we know the appearence- problem solvers, never show feelings....

I guess we could discuss what a 'man' is- but among those individuals I knew as true men- they had enormous hearts.

You look to the woman as weeping, yet is men who grieve for years about family trajedy. I think women are more versatile. I think they are both raised and made to 'suffer', (as are men) but take the pain more in stride.

Gin- I don't doubt your heart for a moment.


munk
 
Bruce there are just those girls that one can never forget. I know for myself, 6 years later, after lots of bad junk, and 8 other girls, I still think to myself what if about one. Though knowing other guys who have never been there, I count myself lucky having that one that I still strike whimsy over. Oh well...Im drunk and full of ribs, mmmm ribs and beer..... :confused: :eek: :p
 
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