OT: I've seen this before, but it is still a treat.

[Kismet]

This is from the Michigan Department of Transportation. This is an actual
letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response > >
letter.
> >
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

> >
Dear Mr. DeVries:
> >
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
> >
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of
this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no
permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that
this
activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding
at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.
> >
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply
with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
> >
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.
> >
Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
> >
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
> >
> >
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
> >
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan.
> >
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call
their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would like
to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any
time
and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their
dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is: aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation-so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams
failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is
a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please
contact the beavers-but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
Environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If
you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact
you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam
office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[Josh Feltman]

Dam, that is some funny stuff
--Josh

 

[Rusty]

He obviously doesn't give a " TINKER'S DAM " about it.


( The term came from the traveling tinker, who would re-tin cooking surfaces of pots and pans as he went. When the pot had been so worn there was a hole in it, he would take a small piece of clay, roll it between his hands until it became the shape of a worm, and press the clay down around the hole, making a dam. He'd then pour a plug of tin in, and let it solidify, then discard the burned clay dam as it was now useless. That is how the saying " Not worth a tinker's dam " came into being. )

 

[MacHete]

I like my explanation better: Tinkers not only worked in tin, the were general "handy-men" and "Mr. Fixits". They were also tipplers, because they often accepted payment in booze for their services. This in turn led them to be tinklers as well. So, when a travelling tinker would come to a town to call on the trade, he would go door to door asking if anything needing tinkering. Most of the time, the good folk would say "No" and after each door was closed in his face, the tinker would mutter "Damn." If he did happen to find a little work, say, patching a pot as Rusty described, he often burned his fingers removing the dam, and would then utter a slightly louder "Damn." Sometimes he would be asked to patch a roof or mend a wagon. This almost always led to his hitting himself on the thumb with a hammer, which would ellicit an even louder "Damn!" As he worked through the town, he would become more and more willing to accept payment in booze to dull the pain of the injuries sustained in his last job. Not surprisingly, the quality of his work would suffer, and his concern and awareness of his surroundings would diminish. This often caused others to reply to the tinker with his own favorite expletive, "Damn!" Eventually, the tinkering and tippling would take their toll, and the Tinker would trip off to the treeline to tinkle. In his tipsy state, the tinker would tug at his trouser's ties to try to "free willy". Often trouble with the ties would lead to tainted trousers, and the tinker would react with a thunderous "DAMN!" This cycle would repeat itself as the itinerate tinker would tour the town, and the utterance of the term "damn" from and around the tinker would become so tedious, that it's value as an interjection was steadily devalued. Hence the phrase, "Not worth a tinker's damn."

 

[Kismet]

Machete?

I want you to go to your room, right now young man, and just think about what you've just done. :grumpy:



Kis

 

[MacHete]

I know.
I'm sorry.
It's a sickness, really.
And its hereditary- my Dad is the same way.
:footinmou