Great thread, Kismet.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
And then there's Stephen Wright....
- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
- What's another word for -thesaurus?-
- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it out!-
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I wrote that.-
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.
- I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, - I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.-
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better.
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room- temperature.
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
- You can't have everything... where would you put it?
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, -Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.- He said, -Yes, but not in a row.-
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you got anything I'd like?- Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, -Extra medium.-
- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-
- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long.-
- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, -Didn't you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.-
- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity, your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?-
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, -Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.- I said, -I can't find my socks.- She said, -They're behind the couch.-
- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
