OT: Reaching out

Diamond Cut II

Diamond Cut II

Joined
Sep 1, 2002
Messages
1,245
Hi, guys,

I've been thinking of posting this for a while now. I just can't get any lower than I am now so what the hay.

First an introduction. My name is Philip and I live in Richmond, Texas and have been collecting knives for about 2 years. I'm a quiet person and somewhat of a loaner. I just moved here from Houston. What else is there to say?

Now the problem. I have been mourning over the "loss" of a loved one over the past few months. It's been affecting everyone around me and I have gotten to the point where I just can't take it anymore. This loved one was my very best friend and a very important part of my life. We've gotten so close which is why it's hard for me to move on.

Love is a major part of my life and is one of the only things that gets me through. The fact of having someone that believes in you and trusts you is a great feeling. I find I can enjoy my hobbies and make people around me happy easier with someone by my side. And I've lost it all with my stupidity. If only I had read philthy geezer's thread before all this happened. But you learn from your mistakes, right? Now that I've learned, I just wish I had another chance to fix things.

I was a bit of an ass toward the end. All because I was scared and confused. Now I'm afraid I've made a bad impression that I can never take back. Yes, I know "there are many fish in the sea" but none like her, or what she used to be. She changed her attitude toward the end. I know it was because of me. I guess I was a bit insecure and scared her off. Big mistake. I just wanted her to be safe so that we could actually make it to marriage. But I was blind and couldn't see that I was being a problem. I have nightmares all the time about this, only to wake up later on and find out it's real :( .

This state of depression has made me a burden to everyone around. It's hard to make others happy when you're feeling miserable and that's really what I want to do: make others happy. I don't have anyone close enough anymore to talk to that really understands what I'm going through, to cheer me up. I feel comfortable talking to you guys because you all are like family. I may be the cousin that never shows up to parties or reunions but you're still family :D . Thanks for taking the time to listen. I guess I just really need to vent. Words of wisdom?

-Philip :(

EDIT: I'm considering calling her on our would be 1 year anniversary to clear things up. Good idea? I've got nothing to lose but her if I don't. Hopefully she'll listen. Keeping my fingers crossed 'til then.
 
Look, I'm here, and I'm listening. So are others here who've learned some stuff the hard way. Hang in and people will show up to talk. OK?
 
First, you have to admit to being a human being.
Once you do that, you should feel a little bit better about making natural mistakes like everybody else.
We have all done it of course.
Hell, I had to leave the country to find a woman who would put up with my B.S.!

Next, go get yourself a nice call girl and pay for sex.
Be safe and smart and **** her brains out.

The very next day your ex will call.

Its my own personal magic spell.

(I swear to you, its like they can smell the cheap, meaningless sex going on. They have these antennae...
"HUH! He's.. having sex with someone else....her ass is smaller and cuter than mine....I better get over there and stop that nonsense right away...."
 
It is. But I'm against the whole sex before marriage thing. I have gotten real close to this girl but nothing serious. It's why it's so hard for me to get back on my feet.
 
Another thing. If your car engine starts acting up you can ask friends, and they might help you figure out what's going wrong. If that doesn't work, take it to a shop that's got full diagnostic equipment and can pin the problem down.

You don't need to be crazy to use a professional second opinion - from the local mental health center, or whatever it's called. You can't change her, and the local pro's can't change you. If you want to change yourself, then maybe they can help. There's an old joke about how many mental health workers it takes to change a lightbulb. The answer is just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change!

Me, I could usually get clients to do what I wanted, but then I could use blackmail, extortion, and kidnapping ( for the good of the children, of course, with the court and law enforcement beaming their approval ).

Anyway I'm about out of professional opinions ( don't usually run out of personal opinions, but that's a different story ), and it's time for my medication. Good Luck.

PS: staying out of prison seemed to be a pretty good motivator, too.
 
Philip,

My younger brother's name is Philip. I'm going to talk to you like I'd talk to him. Feel free to email me, if you want.

Being with someone can be like an addiction. Whatever it is you use, doesn't actually make you funnier, or happier- you're just finding something you have in yourself, and believing that the *thing* you're using is responsible.

I've been in love. Incredibly, hopelessly, wonderfully in love, love so intense it was hard to breathe, sometimes. What that experience taught me was to make the most of every minute. Yeah, I was losing her, and I, like you, said some things in my fear of losing significance that drove us even farther apart. You know what? That's life. It happens. Don't beat yourself up for whatever mistakes you've made; get up, dust yourself off, remember the lessons you now know, and keep walking. There are times when we try to grasp onto people too hard, and do the opposite of what we intend.

Let her go. If it's meant to be, she'll come back. If not, love her enough to let her make her own decisions, whether they're mistakes, or not. Don't give yourself too much credit for everything that happens, either- sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Like I want to say to another forum member- it's not *all* about you.

Like any other addiction, you only have to make it a minute at a time. This is
good, because, however bad you may feel, you can make it through an instant of any pain- and you'll never have longer than an instant. You can make it.

One of many things I've learned in the last 5 years, is that happiness is not something you can find by looking for it. Instead, happiness is a byproduct of
pursuing things that are important to you. Pursue your dreams, treat people well, and don't embrace sad remembrance just to revel in the depth of its intensity...and you'll realize, perhaps very soon, that you are happy.

Wellness must start with loving yourself. "Living for others" is a fine slogan, but if you don't love and take care of you, you really have nothing to give to others, either. I'm not preaching down at you from some great height- I'm just telling you what I've learned from having been there. Live for you.
Love others, but love yourself. Treat people well, but start with you.

And, you'll find, as you become a healthier, happier person, you'll attract such
people. And that ain't a bad thing. :D

Best,

John
 
Rusty, this whole experience has changed me. I'm not the same person I was in the relationship which is a good thing. Another good thing is that I have grown alot closer to God. The hard part is trying to show her I've changed. I've made some stupid desicions along the way. Like moving here to be closer to her. Things didn't work out like always and now I'm screwed. Thanks for the advice, guys. It's good to know I can talk to someone about my problems.:)
 
John, thanks for good advice. We've been friends for a long time. She would always look for guys that had my qualities. She even loved my little knife fetish. I really want to let go, believe me, but she has made such a huge impact on my life that I find it hard to even think of letting go. I also find it hard that after our longterm friendship, she let it go just like that. Like it was nothing. Like it was never anything. I've gone through this before, took me a year to get over the last one and guess who got me over her? I don't want to go through it again, believe me. Hopefully I'll recover. Thanks again for your time and wisdom.
 
One more thing, and then I'll absolutely, positively have filled my preaching quotient for the night.

Motivation means a hell of a lot. If, for instance, someone decides they are morally against all violence, and therefore, suffer abuse, they may be noble. If, on the other hand, they're just scared...that's not noble at all.

Don't let fear be your motivation for doing, or NOT doing something. If you make a choice because you believe it to be moral, that's great. On the other hand, if you make that same choice because you're scared...

John, first kiss at 19 :rolleyes: :D

edit: hey, dammit. You've got to understand something. People deal with things in different ways. Some people deal with very emotional events that could be traumatic, by walling that part off, just shutting it away. Disengaging. I wish you were closer, and we could put on some boxing gloves, hit a matt, or just climb a mountain till we could barely move.

Get some exercise. It'll help. I got in great shape after my divorce. :D
 
Lots of good advice here. But now here comes the devil's advocate....

I've gone through this before, took me a year to get over the last one and guess who got me over her?
Click to expand...
Failed relationships

Like moving here to be closer to her.
Click to expand...
Stalking

I also find it hard that after our longterm friendship, she let it go just like that. Like it was nothing. Like it was never anything.
Click to expand...
Get a clue. If she was really interested she wouldn't have dumped you.


I don't mean to demean your pain or problem. But what you have described is a classic case of denial on your part. You can't make someone love you. The relationship didn't work out. Face it. Move on. Otherwise her side of the story could be that you are a stalker who won't take no for an answer. So....here comes the cops or her new boy friend and you've got a whole new set of problems.
 
It just takes time. Grieving takes time. IMPORTANT that you get out of the house and move around. Exercise. This helps to get rid of the toxins built up from this greiving.

You sound like a cool guy. There are many women out there searching for a guy like you. Strongly suggest that you do NOT try to make this loss a topic for conversation with new friends or new women you might date. They don't want to hear about it. Mention it and move on in conversation if you like. But for God's sake don't make it a major conversational topic even if they begin to tell you about a loss they have suffered. Keep your loss tales short

Stay with close friends (and people on this forum) to talk and vent and grieve.

There are somwhere near 5 billion people on this planet. More women than men. All you gotta find is one.
 
Nothing I can add to here. All good advice.



Wait! I did think of something. You say this girl got you over the last one.
That may be true or maybe not. You may still not be over the last one as you just transfered the feelings for one girl to another.
That's a very common problem in relationships that people don't or won't recognize.
It takes being brutally honest with yourself, something that is often very hard to do.
Other than that I have nothing to add. Take it for what it's worth and the best of luck to you.;)
 
Semper Fi, never thought of it like that. Actually she loved the fact that I was going to be her "neighbor." If we had remained friends this never would've happened. We had a beautiful friendship. I formed habits along the way that scared her off. I guess I never thought of it ending this way or ending period. It just took me by surprise. I don't want her to make her love me, I just want to show her a side of me that she hadn't seen before. I was very habitual in the relationship which got annoying over time. Yes, I see that now, I just wish I had a second chance to fix things. We all want a second chance, some more than others.

Yvsa, she made me realize that I didn't know the girl in the first place. This girl also left her as a friend. Not because of me but because they were into different things.

We really had a beautiful relationship. It was amazing how we got together, like it was almost meant to be. Hope for the best but expect the worse I guess.

I'm going out to excercise later, gonna need alot of it! :) Thanks, guys.
 
I don't have anything to add in terms of advice, just some more support. My own life is too messed up for me to tell others how to run their lives. Hang in there, Diamond Cut.

--Josh
 
Things change.
Usually you can't control them.
Usually, if you try to control them, you just make things worse.

What to do depends on your personality & beliefs.

Been there.
Done that.

Things change.
 
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