Salut!

Mistwalker

Mistwalker

Gold Member
Joined
Dec 22, 2007
Messages
19,037
I didn't go into the most important part of Monday in the thread I posted in the W&SS section for reasons. I have been hanging out on Blade Forums for almost a decade now, and I'm pretty comfortable anywhere here except the cove...just not my thing. I feel more at home here in Andy's forum than any other sub-forum. We have our own little community going here that is, to me anyway, a bit different than anywhere else on the net. It's more like hanging out with family, so I relax more when I am here. My meeting Andy, and the conversations we had on the philosophies of cutlery over the following weeks, was about much more than just the knives themselves. That meeting would have a profound impact on my life. In a sense it would be a psychological chemical reaction, and the knives would be a catalyst. It would start an unexpected chain reaction. One which would cause some very old, and very deep, wounds from my youth to fester and push the shrapnel to the surface where it could be dealt with.

It is actually a very long story, so I won't go into it here, maybe one day I will finish the book. However Monday evening was a special moment in time. In the course of cooking my evening meal I found myself wandering down a part of my memory lane that I had completely forgotten existed. I was seventeen years old and wandering aimlessly with a lot of really heavy thoughts on my mind. Since, in and of itself, the events of that time period were so quiet, sandwiched between the confusion and extreme violence that led to the aimless wandering, and the intense violent atmosphere of living on the streets in St. Louis, those months would simply become buried in the sands of time and forgotten.

I have liked the Gaucho model since the first time I saw one. I enjoy cooking in the field, I have since I was very young, and the profile is very well suited for that. So, since I finally picked one up at Blade I have been carrying it a lot lately, more so than any other one knife, which at first seemed a bit odd for me. Then at one point during the food prep, the sights and scents triggered a series of memories. I remembered a brief time when my favorite “bushcraft” knife, long before I ever heard the term bushcraft, was an old Sabatier Chef's paring knife that I picked up in a re-sale shop in Louisville Kentucky. I had left Tennessee with literally nothing but the clothes I had on, what little money I had in my wallet, and an Old Timer Stockman. I had to kit up along the way. I had stopped in to buy an old canvas ruck sack in the window, Swedish I think, and with my last few dollars I picked up the paring knife too. It was a little rusty but not worn, and it cleaned up pretty well. It became my go-to cutting tool for a while. I remembered thinking then that if it just had better ergonomics it would be much better for whittling and carving, and would be an awesome tool for my uses in the woods. I finally understood why the French Trade Knives were so popular in their day. The blade profile makes a great tool for a lone traveler with minimal kit, it's very versatile.

So I stood there, staring down at the Gaucho, and ran through an abbreviated version of the next several years. I reexamined every major event that played a significant role in shaping my knife preferences for decades to come. Then I thought about the last several outings. Then it dawned one me that, after a very long side quest, I had finally closed a huge circle. That I had unknowingly reconnected with a part of my path that I had wandered away from decades before and had forgotten all about. Then I realized it was not an over-night sort of thing. It was something that had been slowly happening since the Blade Show in 2010. Meeting Andy Roy, for more reasons than can explain, has been one of the most therapeutic things to happen in my life. His openness and honesty, and his compassion for others, were refreshing. His drive, the intense passion he feels for his craft, his uncompromising dedication to it, and his unwavering devotion to his family and friends have all been both impressive and inspiring to me.

Living life is a struggle, for all of us, and we meet some really good people along the way... and some that are not so good. There are those that will offer a hand up when we need it, and those who will try to bring us down for inexplicable reasons of their own. And we don't always have the opportunity, or take the time, to express our appreciation to those who have earned it. But I have come to feel that life is to short not to. So all of this rambling wall of text has been a long-winded way of trying to express why I am grateful for having met Andy. If there were more people like him, this world would be a better place to live.

So tonight, as I fidgeted with some smoked sausages, thought about how to go about the next round to get the visual I am looking for, and contemplated the project I am working and the inspirations behind it, I popped the cork on a bottle of ale, and raised a glass. To all of us here who have faced the struggles of life without losing ourselves to it in the process, and to Andy Roy for being one of the best human beings I have had the pleasure of getting to know.

Illegitimi non carborundum. To not letting the bastards grind us down!

Salut!

DSC_1067%20-%20Copy.jpg



.
 
Salut! Brian and the entire Fiddleback community!!

Very well expressed Brian and something that I can relate to very well.
 
Every time I see a Gaucho, I am reminded

"Who is the gaucho amigo,
Why is he standing
In your spangled leather poncho..."

Cheers to your successes and the paths, winding though they may be, that have brought you here today.
 
Cheers! Very nicely written Brian. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting any of you, but I know that this is an awesome group of people all centered around and created by Andy. :thumbup:
 
It would start an unexpected chain reaction. One which would cause some very old, and very deep, wounds from my youth to fester and push the shrapnel to the surface where it could be dealt with.
Click to expand...

whew... where to begin...

First, I have greatly enjoyed your posts and great images over the past few years- my apologies for not commenting sooner!

Second, I discovered Fiddleback just this past spring. Again, apologies for not making any sort of introduction sooner. I will try to remedy that soon with some pics of some of my favorite models and experiences of carrying them and my enjoyment of using them.

Your post really hit home for me today. I don't post very much- sometimes I try not to even talk to others very much anymore! I am also dealing with some serious wounds from youth- things that approximately 5 years ago, I did not even think about or figured were done and buried. After a couple significant instances of tragedy/trauma that occurred within the past 5 years, I have had a really difficult time dealing with those things which have bubbled to the surface.

we meet some really good people along the way... and some that are not so good.
Click to expand...

This. The events themselves I have had to deal with are not really even the biggest issue- the thing I struggle with most is what these events showed me about people- and I thought I had already seen about the worst people had to offer up to this point. I truly am still unable to even conceptualize it, let alone put it into words! Suffice to say some of the people that I thought were more than just friends, people I counted as life-long brothers, are no longer in my life at all. And I won't even get started about an entire side of family that has turned their backs on my immediate family.

Hope I didn't derail your post. Just wanted to say I appreciate you putting your personal experiences out there and that I can definitely relate.

Salut! I will be enjoying some good food and beverage around a campfire before dark today with my wife and our 2 furry kids.
 
Cheers guys!


madhatta said:
whew... where to begin...

First, I have greatly enjoyed your posts and great images over the past few years- my apologies for not commenting sooner!

Second, I discovered Fiddleback just this past spring. Again, apologies for not making any sort of introduction sooner. I will try to remedy that soon with some pics of some of my favorite models and experiences of carrying them and my enjoyment of using them.

Your post really hit home for me today. I don't post very much- sometimes I try not to even talk to others very much anymore! I am also dealing with some serious wounds from youth- things that approximately 5 years ago, I did not even think about or figured were done and buried. After a couple significant instances of tragedy/trauma that occurred within the past 5 years, I have had a really difficult time dealing with those things which have bubbled to the surface.



This. The events themselves I have had to deal with are not really even the biggest issue- the thing I struggle with most is what these events showed me about people- and I thought I had already seen about the worst people had to offer up to this point. I truly am still unable to even conceptualize it, let alone put it into words! Suffice to say some of the people that I thought were more than just friends, people I counted as life-long brothers, are no longer in my life at all. And I won't even get started about an entire side of family that has turned their backs on my immediate family.

Hope I didn't derail your post. Just wanted to say I appreciate you putting your personal experiences out there and that I can definitely relate.

Salut! I will be enjoying some good food and beverage around a campfire before dark today with my wife and our 2 furry kids.
Click to expand...

There is little anyone could do to derail this post, no worries :)

I can very much empathize. For me the first fifteen years weren't all that bad. The abusive older brother with severe anger management issues was actually a good thing in my life considering what was to come later.By the time I entered school I had been beaten on by, and constantly fighting with, a guy seven years older than me and full of rage due to issues brought about by being our neglectful mother's first born. No-one in my school worried me, and no-one there could scare me. The neglectful mother, and being a latch-key kid from the second grade on was also a good thing, it taught me to sort things out for myself and stand on my own at an early age. My father was a good guy. But growing up during the depression and then going off to fight in Korea at age 17 had left him with some issues of his on. He was a driven workaholic, who worked from before day light till well after dark every day. So I only saw him on the weekends the first part of my life. But he made that time count. We always spent the weekends together fishing in the warmer months and hunting in the colder ones. He taught me a lot about living off the land. By age 9 things came to a head at home, my brother moved out and got married, and dad had taken all of life with my mother that he could. Him working himself to death, and her partying herself to death just didn't mix well, but I only saw all of that later in hind sight. All I saw at age 9, when they divorced and I left with him, was that the quality of my life greatly improved. He was demanding, but not unfairly so. While I was living with him, mom remarried. It seemed ok at first when I went to visit, but over the course of a few years things at mom's home(s) would get increasingly stranger in ways I could not understand. They would fight and argue pretty often. When I was 13 my father had an accident at work that fractured 3 vertebrae, and put him in the hospital for almost a year, and it would take him a while to learn to walk again. He was not able to take care of me, so I ended up stuck with mom again. It didn't take me long to realize that as long as I came home from school, did my chores, and took care of my homework, no-one minded if I wasn't home until night when it was time to go to bed, and I could avoid the abuse of my stepfather and all their fighting and yelling. So I spent most of my time in the woods, doing my homework and reading books by a fire somewhere in a patch of woods, both in Dallas, and then later back here in Tennessee. By age 15 they separated and things became more peaceful at home. Mom was usually gone so I had the place to myself. But then on Dec. 1st 1980 things took a turn for the surreal. I woke to the sound of yelling screaming, glass and wood shattering, what sounded like a popcorn popper run through an amp, and muzzle flashing lighting up the kitchen and then lighting up my room. I was immediately in a physical struggle with my stepfather trying to keep from being shot myself. In what seemed, simultaneously, like an eternity and an instant all was quiet. I was standing in my bedroom looking down at the body of my stepfather lying in my bedroom floor in a pool of blood with most of his head on my ceiling and walls. Then walking into the kitchen and turning on the lights here was mom. She was laying by the back door in a similar state. She had been shot twice in the face at point blanks range, and a lot of her was on the walls. The next little while is blank. My next memory is sitting under an apple tree in our back yard surrounded by strangers and lots of flashing lights of all colors, and bodies being removed on stretchers in zippered bags. Two days later my grandmother would look at me from across mom's casket and say she hoped I knew it was all my fault for not protecting my mother, and my brother would agree with her. The aimless wandering in confusion would begin shortly after. In the next two years, I would be attacked in my sleep three more times while living on the streets. For years afterwards I would not go to sleep in the same room with other people. Initially because of my severe trust issues with people, and then later after tearing up several pillows and shredding several blankets in my sleep, for fear of hurting someone I cared about. It took years to process what happened that night. It took until I was in my mid twenties to reintegrate into society, and even then I lived alone until my late twenties. The one big lesson my life has taught me is that other than tracing one's origin, a shared DNA in and of itself is meaningless. It is not DNA that determines family, it is our actions and the action of those we meet. To me, other than my daughters, my only family share no DNA with me at all, and I have absolutely no use for anyone left living who does. I lost the last one of those in 2012 when my father passed away, and we spent his last three months on earth hanging out and talking after not speaking for decades. Family is not necessarily where you start, it's much more so where you end up later in life.
 
mistwalker said:
The one big lesson my life has taught me is that other than tracing one's origin, a shared DNA in and of itself is meaningless. It is not DNA that determines family, it is our actions and the action of those we meet. To me, other than my daughters, my only family share no DNA with me at all, and I have absolutely no use for anyone left living who does. I lost the last one of those in 2012 when my father passed away, and we spent his lavst three months on earth hanging out and talking after not speaking for decades. Family is not necessarily where you start, it's much more so where you end up later in life.
Click to expand...


Bri, you've eluded to your past before, but wow, I had no idea. However, your comment quoted above shows maturity. Family can take on a much greater meaning than what most believe.

It's so unfortunate that despite not liking what we experience growing up, many repeat it anyway. It takes tremendous determination, and also a good heart, to face tragedy and violence yet DECIDE to take a different path. I applaud you. :)

Someone once told me that when you bury your feelings, you bury them alive. They WILL resurface and often at a terribly inconvenient moment. As hard as it may be, facing and dealing with the past is a way to move forward. No matter what we have been through, it can do things to us inside that are hard to articulate. But I have always found comfort in 1 John 3:20

You and Andy are good people for sure.
 
well Brian...... for all that you've been though, you can definitely hold your head high. It looks like you have a great immediate family with a lovely daughter that's truly a daddy's girl. You have a great following the outdoor community along with many friends and admirers that you interact with and that have a great deal of respect for you and your work. Me being one of them. I can say this, nobody's life is perfect and we all face different things in life that shape us for the better or worse. It's about how we can make the best of it and become better for it. You my friend have succeeded for the better in life.
 
schmittie said:
Bri, you've eluded to your past before, but wow, I had no idea. However, your comment quoted above shows maturity. Family can take on a much greater meaning than what most believe.

It's so unfortunate that despite not liking what we experience growing up, many repeat it anyway. It takes tremendous determination, and also a good heart, to face tragedy and violence yet DECIDE to take a different path. I applaud you. :)

Someone once told me that when you bury your feelings, you bury them alive. They WILL resurface and often at a terribly inconvenient moment. As hard as it may be, facing and dealing with the past is a way to move forward. No matter what we have been through, it can do things to us inside that are hard to articulate. But I have always found comfort in 1 John 3:20

You and Andy are good people for sure.
Click to expand...

Thanks Schmittie. When your life experiences have strangers acting like family, and family acting like worse than just strangers. It doesn't take long to put that one together.

I spent a lot of time in Libraries, they were my "safe zone" back then :) I did a lot of reading trying to understand what had happened, and what would become of the effects it had on me over time. One thing I took away from the study of psychology, was that seldom does anything good come from suppression of thoughts and emotions, that facing them honestly with yourself would do far more good in the end.


Bmurray said:
well Brian...... for all that you've been though, you can definitely hold your head high. It looks like you have a great immediate family with a lovely daughter that's truly a daddy's girl. You have a great following the outdoor community along with many friends and admirers that you interact with and that have a great deal of respect for you and your work. Me being one of them. I can say this, nobody's life is perfect and we all face different things in life that shape us for the better or worse. It's about how we can make the best of it and become better for it. You my friend have succeeded for the better in life.
Click to expand...

Thanks Bob, I have no more complaints about my path through life, as screwed up as it was, I am very happy with where it led :)

No, no-ones life is perfect, and may people have had horrible experiences we never know about. Mine certainly weren't the worst ones. I met a few people on the streets, young and old, who had gone through worse. That was rather therapeutic in its own way.
 
This really cool thing about making this post, I was driven to relocate my pint glass that had been buried in a box since the move from Michigan :)
 
Brian,

Very well stated.
I will use this as my silver lining on an otherwise dark and cloudy day.

Thank you for that my friend.
 
I will never understand why we idolize sports stars and celebrities so much when there are real role models around us everyday.

We have all been through grinders but I was blessed to have loving parents and a safe home for refuge.

While I pains me to know what you faced, I am proud of how you managed to rise above the challenge. You are a good man and a wonderful father. God Bless.

Bill
 
LostViking said:
Brian,

Very well stated.
I will use this as my silver lining on an otherwise dark and cloudy day.

Thank you for that my friend.
Click to expand...

Thanks man. My wife is really good at seeing silver linings, and making lemon aid out of lemons. Meeting her has been one of the best things to happen in my life. If anything I have said, seen, or done, can be serve as a silver lining for someone else, then I am very glad for that.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top