I'll give it a go
(read in fast voice)
It slices, it dices, it cuts, it cleaves.
Got a long thing that needs to be shorter? Cut it down.
Got a short thing that needs to be longer, cut it lengthwise and tie the ends together.
It'll scrape a gasket off an old Ford motor, It'll shave your legs.
It's long enough to neuter a giraffe, yet small enough to fit in your pocket.
It'll cut a soda can in half, then slice right through a tomato.
Use it to put butter on toast, jelly on bread, cream cheese on a bagel.
Whittle wood, skin a deer...this thing does it all.
Clean goo from a shoe, get sap from a sapling, cut cheese, cut through red tape, clear tape, blue tape, even dig your own grave!
Oh I know what you're thinking...how much is this miraculous marvel of modern machinery going to cost me?
800 dollars?
1000 dollars?
No sir ree!
We aren't talking Benjamen's here, we're talking Jackson's...all this can be had for as little as $30*
*prices exclude taxes, titles, licenses, and shipping. Prices may vary due to location, education, phase of moon. Item not intended for internal use, nor should it be used to trim ear or nose hair. Some exclusions apply, see dealer for details. Offer not valid in Jamaica, in Center of earth, or on Mars. We reserve the right to refuse anything to anyone for any reason or no money back.
Also, real men own them...are you a real man, or not?