Serious question: Marriage problems

[DaveH]

My spouse is always grumpy, tired, and never helps around the house. I do all the bill paying, straightening up, cooking, grocery shopping, taking the trash out, yard work, clean up after the dogs. Besides my normal job.

What she does is occasionally the dishes, but usually lounging around, going to see friends, spending money and having huge charge card bills. Now maybe it would be worth it if I was getting some great sex, but hah, that's not even a possibility.

She procrastinates then complains she never has time to do everything. I know what you're going to say, she's depressed, yes, her depression meds have been doubled twice.

Everything is my fault, always, I suggested couple therapy and she freaked. I keep thinking about grabbing a dog my knives and hitting the road, but we have one car and I don't know where I'd go.

Once in a while it gets a little better, but within a couple of days it slide right back into a hole. Like this morning she's spent the entire godamned morning playing solitare on the computer while I have been working on the laundry cleaning the house.

Normally I'm not one to share in a public space like this, but I'm kinda at a loss about what to do, I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my life.

Thanks.

 

[Totally Judy]

I know what you're going to say, she's depressed, yes, her depression meds have been doubled twice.

Dave,

While I am not medically qualified......my guess would be that while her medications have been doubled - they may not be the correct medications to help her.

Are her meds being prescribed by a Psychiatrist? Or her GP? She might need some serious medication management.

Also, depression meds are not intended to work alone - the person should be in therapy at the same time. The two work together to try to get the person back on track.

Sometimes there just are no meds that seem to work. And it is also a possibility that by doubling her depression meds TWICE, that she is overmedicated, which is causing her to be unable to function in a motivated manner around the house.

And then again......she could be extremely bi-polar.

I don't think that there is anything you can really do to help her other than trying to get her the professional help she needs. And if she is over-medicated, her lack of energy and motivation around the house aren't really her fault.

Was she like this before she started on the medication?

BTW.... how old is she?

 

[BaliLover]

Since my fiancee just left me after trying my hardest to make her happy I know where you're coming from. If shes not willing to meet you half way with the chores or even by just going to counseling with you. I'm assuming you've already had numerous discussions with her about it and nothing is changing. The last ditch option is to tell her that you cannot continue to live the life you're living, that you aren't happy and its not fair to either of you, and that if the problems can't be resolved you're leaving.

No one wants it to happen that way, but sometimes thats just the way it has to. I'm assuming it wasn't always this way, but maybe it was and you thought you could handle it. Is it possible that her depression also has something to do with the marriage? I don't know your situation but I've seen more than a few couples that got married and then realized they weren't right for each other but neither one would call it quits.

 

[JD Mandrell]

Do you have minor children with her?

 

[Ruzster]

Are you on good terms with any of her close friends or family members? What do they notice and what do they think of her behavior? Maybe some kind of "intervention" (for lack of a better word) by all those concerned is in order.

Are her credit cards in both your names? Irresponsible spending and debt management can have some serious long-term consequences for both of you for a long time to come.

In the end, I think the previous poster was right-on about it being a two way street. It doesn't appear as if you're being given much to work with at present. Have you thought about counseling on your own? You need and deserve to take care of yourself, buddy.

Hope things start getting better one way or the other.

 

[MicMurry]

Depression usually means someone in not happy with the state of there life. My best friend was told she had to go on medication to save her self. After a couple weeks she dumped it all and went to a local Catholic Charity. Now in the last 4 years she has maybe once been depressed, and almost completely changed.

Basically she had been set in her 'comfort' zone for years with people taking care of her which allowed her to stay there. Her Dad died from cancer which shocked her and helped brake down her support system. That is when she converted to Catholicism and started doing the kind of things she really enjoyed.

 

[DaveH]

Thanks for the notes, I'll bring up the over medication issue. No kids in this case. The credit card thing scares me a bit, so far we have been able to pay it off every month but it takes an entire two week paycheck and sometimes more to do so.

 

[RedRockNv]

Have her find a job and get a life of her own maybe she needs to feel some control over her life. If she wouldn't do that you have to ask yourself do you still want to be in the same situation 20 -30 years down the road. If she isn't earning money she doesn't need to be spending any of yours if she isn't keeping up her end of the house work. A good relationship needs a division of labor. She is acting like a spoiled child. Change things now before kids are involved.

 

[phatch]

At the very least, cut up the credit card right now and cancel that account.

 

[JD Mandrell]

No kids in this case. The credit card thing scares me a bit, so far we have been able to pay it off every month but it takes an entire two week paycheck and sometimes more to do so.

No kids is a big plus as far as your options, if you reach the breaking point, it makes ending it less complicated.

Definitely watch those credit cards! My brother was dang near ruined by a wife that had no self control or reasonable decision making abilities and free access to credit cards.

Even if you cancel those, watch her for opening new ones in her name only behind your back, because as her spouse, you can still be held responsible for the debts.

If you do cancel a credit card account, watch out for her reactivating it. Most credit card companies now, will virtually never fully cancel an account for a year after you cancel it, and it can be reactivated with a simple phone call.

 

[AfterTFD]

Having never been in a real relationship and generally sucking at life my advice is perhaps of little value. Good thing it doesn't cost anything.

The credit card issue is a serious problem. Wasteful credit card spending is something worth going to great lengths to avoid regardless of whether you want to continue being with her or not. If all else fails cancel the credit cards. This can be done without harming your credit rating if you go about it the right way.

If your wife does not exercise she would benefit greatly from starting. The human body has an incredible deal of mental and behavioral "momentum". That is, if one becomes too accustomed to doing nothing or staying busy a change from this is difficult. For someone who has never held a job working for a couple hours is difficult. For someone who works 50+ hours a week it's often difficult to do something like sit around the house playing solitaire all morning. Exercise is a great way for someone used to not doing anything to start being more active. As a bonus exercise helps people feel more energetic and lively.

To be honest if you feel like you're wasting your life you probably are. You're being taken advantage unfairly. I don't have any idea what kind of history you two have together or how long she has been this way but I'm not a nice enough of a person that I would tolerate it for very long without her showing interest in dealing with the problem.


I might be out of line by suggesting this, but is it possible that she's cheating on you? It doesn't sound like she respects you much.

 

[KeithAM]

I agree with Judy. Although lots of family physicians proscribe Prozac to millions of Americans, I know from personal experience it often takes a really good psychiatrist prescribing a combination of meds to successfully address depression.

I read a book a few years ago that I felt gave me a lot of insight into depression. I can't remember the author, but the title is Noonday Demon. It won the National Book Award for non-fiction several years ago.

If I were in your shoes I'd think hard about just cancelling the credit card.

I'll keep both of you in my prayers. Try to take good care of yourself while you're going through this -- try to get enough sleep, rest, excersize, good diet, time with friends away from the house, etc.

 

[Mark J]

Dave,

I feel for you man. While I definitely am not qualifiied to give any medical opinion, it sure sounds like Bipolar Type II to me (trust me, I know BP-II). I've taken the liberty of adding documented symptoms of BP-II after your comments so you can see the parallels. Beware, Internet cut 'n' paste does not a qualified diagnosis make.

My spouse is always grumpy...

"Irritability is one symptom of Bipolar II."

...tired, and never helps around the house. I do all the bill paying, straightening up, cooking, grocery shopping, taking the trash out, yard work, clean up after the dogs. Besides my normal job.

"The bipolar II person can go through bouts of exhaustion or lethargy and just doesn't have the motivation..."

...spending money and having huge charge card bills.

"Another bipolar II symptom is when manic careless about money although at the time, the bipolar II doesn't recognize that they are being careless but they are just driven to spend or to give away expensive presents to friends whether they buy them or they are their own possessions."

Now maybe it would be worth it if I was getting some great sex, but hah, that's not even a possibility.

"People who suffer from bipolar disorder can often have tremendous swings in their sex drive, depending on their mood. Sometimes this is much higher than what they would describe as normal and other times it is far below normal."

I know what you're going to say, she's depressed, yes, her depression meds have been doubled twice.

"...in the case with many bipolar patients, the antidepressant may poop out or have no clinical benefit whatsoever, even after three attempts on different antidepressants..."

Once in a while it gets a little better, but within a couple of days it slide right back into a hole.

"About 15% of patients with the disorder have a temporary, complicated phase known as rapid cycling. With this phase the manic and depressive episodes alternate at least four times a year and, in severe cases, can even progress to several cycles a day. Rapid cycling tends to occur more often in women and in those with bipolar II."

 

[pcnorton]

You have a long road ahead of you if you stay. Only you can tell if it will be worth it in the long run.

My gut, with no kids involved would be to cut my losses. But I have ZERO emotional element to my decision. You have an attachment to this woman. This is what you really have to weigh in your decision.

If it was just logic...you would be gone. Unfortunately affairs of the heart aren't as simple or painless.


Good luck. Especially trying to get someone to change that doesn't seem to want to.


HAve you discussed your feelings with the other?



Paul

 

[Rafael]

The easy answer: if the relationship isn’t working, get out. Does she love you? Has she ever loved you? What about your feelings? If it’s a relationship that started out of convenience and now is a relationship of mutual emotional dependency rather than love, there might not be much to save. I once ended a relationship, the lady in question cried bitter tears but found a new boyfriend two weeks later… The new guy was kind enough to pay her outstanding bills, something I wasn’t prepared to do without solving the root of her financial problems.

If you still love each other there is no easy answer. Make your feelings very clear and ask her straight out what she wants from this relationship. Also ask her how she feels about you. Take it from there. If her answer doesn’t convince you, consider leaving.

You know best what kind of person you are. If you are a decent person and only have the best intentions, ask yourself if you don’t deserve better.

The comment you made about the sex surprises me though. Are you saying everything would be all right if only you would get more sex about the relationship?

Rafael

 

[BaliLover]

The comment you made about the sex surprises me though. Are you saying everything would be all right if only you would get more sex about the relationship?

Rafael

I'm certain thats not what hes saying because I my situation was similar. Hes more likely stating this as one of the many reasons he feels like he does. If she doesn't cook, clean, share duties, show emotion, or show a sexual interest it all takes a toll on the opposite party. The more things that are lacking, the bigger the toll, the more each thing bothers you. Dave said sex wasn't a possibility. If its physical I'm sure he understands, but it may just be a lack of interest on her part and in her mind shes set at "I don't really like sex, even if it feels good to me, so I'll avoid it." which I have seen myself.

The question about cheating is a legitimate one. She could be, and I'm sure the thought has crossed Daves mind already. The problem is that you don't want to doubt someone you love, you don't want to believe they could do something like that, so until you really start looking for signs you may not know. Even if you see signs, without actually witnessing the act a person might still believe their spouse.

Dave, I know its hard buddy, I've been there myself a few times, but sometimes you have to just worry about yourself and stop being so giving to others in need. It sounds like you are more concerned about her feelings than she is about yours. You know what the problems are and it sounds like you've been trying to work on things, even pulling more than your fair share around the house, but it seems that she's unresponsive. You try to show her you care and hope that she recipricates but she's not.

Really, it probably is time to pull up anchor and hit the seas.

 

[DaveH]

thanks for the replies, the bipolar thing sounds dead on. Cheating, maybe, I don't know. I'm going to lock the thread. I have some things to think about. Thanks everyone.

 

[DaveH]

take 2 on the l0ocking.