Shoe on the Other Foot

[MikeH]

It seems that all of the serious posts about women are from guys who suspect that they are being cheated on or are growing apart. But sometimes the situation is reversed and that isn't easy, either.

Now, I'm not talking about strictly sexual relationships. You can walk away from those without looking back. I am talking about a time in your life when you were lonely, between meaningful relationships, and one came along who really liked you, was fun to have around, was a lifesaver at the time, helped you through some rough times, and filled the otherwise empty times. Unfortunately, she fell in love and you didn't.

I can tell you first hand that you can't will yourself to fall romantically in love with someone, even if you wish you could. And it's hard to finally dump a good friend who you have affection, but not real love, for. Try to remember that when you are the dumpee.

The last time I heard from her was almost a year after the night I walked away. My engagement announcement had just been published in the local
newspaper. Early Saturday morning, the phone rang and it was her. "Michael, I guess that I can forgive you for marrying someone else, but, d**n you, I can't forgive you for scheduling your wedding on my birthday!"
It had not occured to me, but that is just what had happened!

I hope that if I run into her someday she will remember me as fondly as I remember her. Somehow, I doubt it.

 

[Daniel Dorn]

I rarely take the time to post much of real substance on this forum, but thought I'd share a little.

For me, the shoe has been on the other foot several times. I never dated in high school, not because I wasn't interested, but because I had extremely high standards, and usually pined for girls way out of my league. Anyway, when I went away to college, I decided to be open to any possibilities. One of those possibilities became a stalker, and persued me relentlessly from my first month of my freshman year, and now I'm happily married with 3 kids with this woman. This relationship aside, for the moment, and I will share about the "other" women.

Throughout college, I came to know several other women who I was attracted to, and at least 3 that I could have fallen in love with, and 1 that I did. All this time, my relationship with my now-wife progressed slowly, and surely. It was hard to have feelings for these other girls, and know that nothing could ever happen. I know I will forever have the What-If's, and wonder. Through college, I never admitted to the "others" my feelings, although I am pretty sure it was apparent, and on at least 3 occasions, reciprocated. Is anyone else familiar with the feeling of being in a room alone with someone, and knowing there was a big pink elephant there that neither person would acknowledge? I was never brave enough to address those feelings, and express them to the other person. Should I have done so? Should I have chosen someone else? It's an unfortunate position to be with such doubt. I have come to realize that I cannot change the past, so I will deal with the life I have. It is a good life, and there isn't much I would change, but I will always wonder about the What-Ifs.

I made it through college without being unfaithful, and several years more as I got a job. I guess I still have a tendancy to nurture relationships with the opposite sex, and maybe take them too far in my mind. It just feels good to be liked by attractive women, and I can't help it. Maybe it's normal to feel this way.

This all came to a dangerous place when I noticed a coworker falling for me. It was very subtle at first, and I don't think she was even aware of what was happening until one day my office mate got a call. I couldn't help but overhear his end of the conversation, and I could make no other conclusion than that she was in falling for me. How did this make me feel? I was scared shi+less! My heart started pounding in my chest. I knew how I felt about her, but to know that it was reciprocated, and that intensely, threw me for a loop. I'm a fairly spiritual man, and never in a million years could I have seriously considered having an affair. It had always been a one-sided fantasy in my mind, regardless of the other person.

Anyway, almost 3 years later, and I still feel pain. Someday I may discuss what happened, but not yet. This is not a time when she was in love, and you couldn't be, but a time when you shouldn't be. Those can be the most painful of all.

D2

 

[Trout Tamer]

Daniel -
I'm not married, so I don't know how much weight this will have, but... I think that your feelings are totally normal. Why do you think that polygamy has to be outlawed? Because several people get those exact, same feelings. But, feelings and emotions are just that - they are not actions. Now, fantasizing is a dangerous place to put yourself into, because that can lead to actions. However, your feelings are what they are and your choices will outweigh them, regardless....