- Joined
- Sep 21, 1999
- Messages
- 1,819
Good Evening.
It is I,
Vampire Gerbil
(Sorry, haven't been able to come up with a new greeting yet. Here in the sticks, the only other greetings I hear are, "Hi, I forgot mah beer, you got some right?" and that's from the cops)
ANYways, it was my turn to go to the grocery store today. Myself and my psychotic daughter, Allison enter the place and immediately the voices in my head started screaming about "the last and final chance to get your free knife in the produce section". Annoyed at the redundant nature of that remark, I tried to ignore them, although at this point I'm fairly used to the screaming voices. However, Allison says, "Dave, aren't you gonna go to the produce section to get your free knife?"
(I should say that my daughters both call me "Dave" and I call them "Mommy" and "Grandpa".We have a modern relationship.)
So I turn to her, most flabbergastedly, and say, "YOU'RE hearing the voices too????"
She rolled her eyes to the back of her skull, in a typical teenage fashion and said, "No. That was the PA Dave. They're giving away a free knife in the produce section".
"I knew that, I was just testing you.", I said and waddled my way over to produce to get my free Battle Mistress..... did I mention that I'm an optometrist of "The glass is always half full of poison" variety?
I get to produce, and there's a kid there extolling the virtues of his wares.... the "Knife O' Da Future" itself, the GINSU!!!
He starts off by taking one of those thingamabobs that you stick in a orange... "Can it core a orange?", I say. "Yes, it can core a orange and juice it too" he says, then demonstrates on a poor defenseless orange. After he was done, he threw the thingamabob at me, which I deftly caught, causing admiring stares among the many grandmothers (and one toothless old codger with a lazy eye) I put it in my pocket, figuring, "If he thinks he's getting it back, I'm gonna bite his ear off", but he just shrugged and went on with his schpiel (That's Yiddish for "Line of BS". Looking for Mr. Mattis' nodding head of agreement)
He goes on to ask who here has a Ginsu?
I sheepishly keep my hand down as some grandmothers shoot their hands up saying, "Arrrgggghhh! I got me one, yep I do!" and so forth.
Then he whips it out! A gasp eminates from the crowd of 6! Uhhh... he whipped out a Ginsu, I mean.... anything else woulda really bothered the crowd, except for the toothless codger with the lazy eye, who seemed somewhat disappointed.
Knifeboy stated that although the Ginsu SOUNDS Asian, it is actually made in Arkansas. (There's a joke about an alcoholic ginsucker named Sue in there somewhere, but I can't think of it right now) He did the usual tricks of slicing tomatoes, then started sawing at a hammer.
"Can it saw a hammer", I ask?
"Yeah, it can saw a hammer. Didn't you just see me saw a hammer with it?"
"Yes", I answer, "but I didn't know that was called a hammer. I thought it was a really bad piece of fish"
He stopped looking in my direction after that.
To make a long story short (yeah, I know it's too late for that, but I could make this a lot longer, believe me) he was offering two Ginsu knives (with the forked tips), a Fisherman's Angler Pal-Buddy, or something sounding like that, 6 steak knives, a paring knife and 2, yes TWO juicer oranger corer thingamwhatsits!!!
All for the low, low price of $32.
"How can I resist?", I asked myself.
"You can't", replied the bladeboy, "and stop talking to yourself."
So off I went to the ATM to pull out $140 (I always sucked at math) and returned with my money, paid Blademonger, telling him "I can't wait to see what this'll do to goats!"
He smiled nervously and pocketed my money.
So, "What's the point of this story, VG?", I hear some people ask.
"Well, first of all, call me Mr. Womblebottoms, so's we're not so formal, ok?"
......
OK?!?!?!??!!??
"Ok, sorry, thought that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Womblebottom."
"Ya forgot the "S"! It's W-O-M-B-L-B-O-T-T-O-M-S!!!!!"
"Yeeesh, sorry, Mr. Womblebottomssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!
It's only spelled with one "s", but thanks anyways. Well, the point of this story is that I finally bought a knife that I'd secretly coveted for about 25 years and that it don't look too shabby in person.
Also, Ginsu Knives are now to be known as..... uhhhhh.... I just looked at 'em and they don't have a brand name on 'em. I guess they're named "Stainless US" Knifesellerkid said that the name'd been changed to something like "Slimcut" or something....
I'm beginning to think I was had....no, not by the toothless old codger with the lazy eye (Wish I didn't give him my phone number!!) but by Bladebadger.
Then again, I'm sure that it has to be the real deal, since he was at a major food chain ("Smiths", the west coast equivalent to "Jones", I guess) so I figure that for $32 I got my money's worth.
Okay, I figure that this one's gonna get mentioned at Whine & Cheese, under a lameness theme, but I haven't posted here in a while and since this was knife related, I thought it'd be ok.
I'm thinking about going to a major department store next to seek out the "Free Makeover" women and torment them..... last woman threatened to quit when I asked her to do that for me, but that was in NJ.
Here in Nevada, I figure they'd just love to get hold of my peaches and cream complexion (I smear yougurt on my face religiously. By religously, I mean I do it while praying and sacrificing teddy bears)
Okay, I'm outta steam now.
If anyone's interested in purchasing one of these Ginsus for the low, low price of $75, please feel free to email the CASH ONLY to my email address below.
Thanking you for your patience,
I remain,
VG
------------------
Vampire Gerbil: Nosferatus Rodentus Moderatus; similar to a domestic gerbil, except for the odd accent and little black cape.
------------------
Odd Pictures at Photopoint
An assortment of pictures I decided to share with anyone that was so bored they wanted to check out my antics. I did this to prove that I am indeed sane. Be advised that there's hardly any nudity. Feel free to sign the Guestbook!!
Manifesto of Madness
I wrote most of that at work after drinking massive amounts of coffee. I needed to look busy and that dribbled out of my head. There's also a whole bunch of Optical Illusions.
The Deadly and Scary Leatherman Micra Website.
Be warned that the tactics used at that last site are not for the faint of heart!
------------------
Any comments, suggestions, Presidential campaign contributions (cash only) or threats may be sent to:
vampiregerbil@aol.com
[This message has been edited by Vampire Gerbil (edited 06-23-2000).]
It is I,
Vampire Gerbil
(Sorry, haven't been able to come up with a new greeting yet. Here in the sticks, the only other greetings I hear are, "Hi, I forgot mah beer, you got some right?" and that's from the cops)
ANYways, it was my turn to go to the grocery store today. Myself and my psychotic daughter, Allison enter the place and immediately the voices in my head started screaming about "the last and final chance to get your free knife in the produce section". Annoyed at the redundant nature of that remark, I tried to ignore them, although at this point I'm fairly used to the screaming voices. However, Allison says, "Dave, aren't you gonna go to the produce section to get your free knife?"
(I should say that my daughters both call me "Dave" and I call them "Mommy" and "Grandpa".We have a modern relationship.)
So I turn to her, most flabbergastedly, and say, "YOU'RE hearing the voices too????"
She rolled her eyes to the back of her skull, in a typical teenage fashion and said, "No. That was the PA Dave. They're giving away a free knife in the produce section".
"I knew that, I was just testing you.", I said and waddled my way over to produce to get my free Battle Mistress..... did I mention that I'm an optometrist of "The glass is always half full of poison" variety?
I get to produce, and there's a kid there extolling the virtues of his wares.... the "Knife O' Da Future" itself, the GINSU!!!
He starts off by taking one of those thingamabobs that you stick in a orange... "Can it core a orange?", I say. "Yes, it can core a orange and juice it too" he says, then demonstrates on a poor defenseless orange. After he was done, he threw the thingamabob at me, which I deftly caught, causing admiring stares among the many grandmothers (and one toothless old codger with a lazy eye) I put it in my pocket, figuring, "If he thinks he's getting it back, I'm gonna bite his ear off", but he just shrugged and went on with his schpiel (That's Yiddish for "Line of BS". Looking for Mr. Mattis' nodding head of agreement)
He goes on to ask who here has a Ginsu?
I sheepishly keep my hand down as some grandmothers shoot their hands up saying, "Arrrgggghhh! I got me one, yep I do!" and so forth.
Then he whips it out! A gasp eminates from the crowd of 6! Uhhh... he whipped out a Ginsu, I mean.... anything else woulda really bothered the crowd, except for the toothless codger with the lazy eye, who seemed somewhat disappointed.
Knifeboy stated that although the Ginsu SOUNDS Asian, it is actually made in Arkansas. (There's a joke about an alcoholic ginsucker named Sue in there somewhere, but I can't think of it right now) He did the usual tricks of slicing tomatoes, then started sawing at a hammer.
"Can it saw a hammer", I ask?
"Yeah, it can saw a hammer. Didn't you just see me saw a hammer with it?"
"Yes", I answer, "but I didn't know that was called a hammer. I thought it was a really bad piece of fish"
He stopped looking in my direction after that.
To make a long story short (yeah, I know it's too late for that, but I could make this a lot longer, believe me) he was offering two Ginsu knives (with the forked tips), a Fisherman's Angler Pal-Buddy, or something sounding like that, 6 steak knives, a paring knife and 2, yes TWO juicer oranger corer thingamwhatsits!!!
All for the low, low price of $32.
"How can I resist?", I asked myself.
"You can't", replied the bladeboy, "and stop talking to yourself."
So off I went to the ATM to pull out $140 (I always sucked at math) and returned with my money, paid Blademonger, telling him "I can't wait to see what this'll do to goats!"
He smiled nervously and pocketed my money.
So, "What's the point of this story, VG?", I hear some people ask.
"Well, first of all, call me Mr. Womblebottoms, so's we're not so formal, ok?"
......
OK?!?!?!??!!??
"Ok, sorry, thought that was a rhetorical question, Mr. Womblebottom."
"Ya forgot the "S"! It's W-O-M-B-L-B-O-T-T-O-M-S!!!!!"
"Yeeesh, sorry, Mr. Womblebottomssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!
It's only spelled with one "s", but thanks anyways. Well, the point of this story is that I finally bought a knife that I'd secretly coveted for about 25 years and that it don't look too shabby in person.
Also, Ginsu Knives are now to be known as..... uhhhhh.... I just looked at 'em and they don't have a brand name on 'em. I guess they're named "Stainless US" Knifesellerkid said that the name'd been changed to something like "Slimcut" or something....
I'm beginning to think I was had....no, not by the toothless old codger with the lazy eye (Wish I didn't give him my phone number!!) but by Bladebadger.
Then again, I'm sure that it has to be the real deal, since he was at a major food chain ("Smiths", the west coast equivalent to "Jones", I guess) so I figure that for $32 I got my money's worth.
Okay, I figure that this one's gonna get mentioned at Whine & Cheese, under a lameness theme, but I haven't posted here in a while and since this was knife related, I thought it'd be ok.
I'm thinking about going to a major department store next to seek out the "Free Makeover" women and torment them..... last woman threatened to quit when I asked her to do that for me, but that was in NJ.
Here in Nevada, I figure they'd just love to get hold of my peaches and cream complexion (I smear yougurt on my face religiously. By religously, I mean I do it while praying and sacrificing teddy bears)
Okay, I'm outta steam now.
If anyone's interested in purchasing one of these Ginsus for the low, low price of $75, please feel free to email the CASH ONLY to my email address below.
Thanking you for your patience,
I remain,
VG
------------------
Vampire Gerbil: Nosferatus Rodentus Moderatus; similar to a domestic gerbil, except for the odd accent and little black cape.
------------------
Odd Pictures at Photopoint
An assortment of pictures I decided to share with anyone that was so bored they wanted to check out my antics. I did this to prove that I am indeed sane. Be advised that there's hardly any nudity. Feel free to sign the Guestbook!!
Manifesto of Madness
I wrote most of that at work after drinking massive amounts of coffee. I needed to look busy and that dribbled out of my head. There's also a whole bunch of Optical Illusions.
The Deadly and Scary Leatherman Micra Website.
Be warned that the tactics used at that last site are not for the faint of heart!
------------------
Any comments, suggestions, Presidential campaign contributions (cash only) or threats may be sent to:
vampiregerbil@aol.com
[This message has been edited by Vampire Gerbil (edited 06-23-2000).]
