Something I learned today

Charlie Mike

Charlie Mike

Sober since 1-7-14 (still a Paranoid Nutjob)
Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider
Joined
Nov 1, 2000
Messages
28,365
I went to a noon meeting today after meeting/visiting/grinding with Don Maxwell today. Had a good meeting and even shared. I took my time getting back home... Kind of a long walk. I'm walking b/c I can't drive. I can't drive b/c I got my first DUI. I got that b/c I fell off the wagon in Oct. Anyways... I miss my bus so I duck into Lowes figuring I can pick up a Case peanut which they sometimes carry. That wasn't meant to be either. As I'm walking out, guy at the hot dog stand in front calls me to him. It took me a while to recognize who he was, but I knew him from ... Oh yeah! ... from the men's meetings. Never really talked to him about more than tattoos, he runs ink. My sponsor told me about a conversation of theirs about people who are "bad asses". My sponsor thought that "Tatman" was quite a badass. Tatman told my sponsor that he used to carry a gun everyday b/c he wasn't a badass.

So Tatman has a few years under his belt and wanted to pick my brain. He told me that he has the utmost respect for veterans b/c he can actually relate to them. He spent 7 years in prison. He asked me why I carry knives. I told him that I really can't leave the house without being armed in some way. It's a learned behavior. "In both our past situations, however different, if someone comes at you, you have 2 choices. You kill him or he kills you." Then he pointed out at random people going about their lives in the parking lot. He asked me "Is that man a threat? How about that guy? Or that guy or those dudes?" I thought about it... probably not I told him. "Now you or me... one of us could probably jack up 4 of these guys on your own, without a knife." I never really thought about that. "Now the guys you were fighting over there have probably been in violence all their lives, do you think any of these guys are as tough as them?"

No.
..... ......... I've been living for years over-estimating everyone as a potential and immenant threat. Every day, I thought that I might have to kill someone today. When you stop self medicating, you're left with your own thoughts. ... And mine are really jdfbsbgj'd up sometimes.

My brain was actually re-wiring itself. A moment of clarity.

Am I still going to carry a knife or 2? Sure. Tatman planted a seed this afternoon. I don't have any idea who it will grow, but I'm going to (try) water it. He told me that the next meeting I go to, I better sit with my back to the door. "God" resides in those rooms and those people won't let anything happen to me. A learned behavior can be unlearned... or put on a shelf to be retrieved and used when it is needed and then put back. "You must be willing to go to any lengths to get it." I got my DUI 11-21-08, thank God it was just a DUI, nobody got hurt, no wreck. I haven't drank since. Since then I have done what is suggested. I have a sponsor and am working the steps. I call people. Sometimes I go to 2 meetings a day. I'm going to explore my options with the VA as far as residential treatment. Several AA's who are Nam vets have been through the 90 day program at Menlo Park. I'd like to do that. I haven't been around here for a while but I want you to know that I'm doing as well as I can. I have a very loving cat. I have family who want nothing more than for me to be happy, sober, and at peace.

I'm sorry to lay my personal garbage on the table here, but I had to get this off my chest. I'm not looking for pity or anything like it. I need to Charlie Mike and drive on one day at a time.

*edited for language*
 
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One day at a time SolidSoldier, one day at a time. You have a giant support group here too, we're all pulling for you!
 
Hello Solid Soldier,
I am 43 and got my only DUI at the age of 20 (in court on my 20th birthday recieving my sentencing on a .14 BAC). The DUI only temporarily stopped my drinking. I have no desire to drink anymore (took me another 18 yrs. to get there). Until I stopped trying to do it on my own and I turned it over to God, I could not stay sober. He worked a miracle in this Irishman, I have no desire at all to drink. The fact that you want to share and talk about it appears to me that you are truly seeking sobriety, you are not in denial, and you are dealing with it. WAY TO GO! My biggest fear was that a sober life would not be fun, but on the contrary, I have lived more in the last 5 yrs. than I did in the prior 18 yrs. My quality of life is better. You should not stop carrying a pocket knife, it will always be primarily a tool and secondarily a weapon. Pocket knives are great therapy. I could not leave the house without my Leatherman, a small stockman, and a larger Jack knife. I do not know why I need 3 blades, I just do, I do not question it. God bless you Solid Soldier,and thank you on behalf of a civilian for serving our country. I could not begin to guess what combat does to your perception of people in general, and will not even pretend to know what that is like to deal with. You have my prayers.

CJ65
 
I am glad to see you back on the forum. It sounds like the last few months have been very difficult and frustrating for you.
But you are back....sober.....and attending meetings.That is the right road....;)

I wish everything of the best
Steven
 
The reason I made this post is b/c you guys are a great support system, almost as good as meetings. When I stopped going to meetings, I stopped posting here. We alcoholics need to be in contact with other people, other alcoholics. When I realized I'd rather drink than even smoke pot... I knew that I am an alcoholic. This DUI scared the piss out of me. I had a 2 hour long conversation with my sponsor an hour ago. I'm learning to shut up the part of my brain that tells me "Those people could care less if you call them." or "Alcohol isn't my problem, its only a symptom.... so that means I can still drink." That kind of thinking is insane.
 
For some reason herbal tea was a great crutch if I had an urge to drink. Sleepy Time by Celestial Seasonings was my favorite. I was a beer hound primarily, and the tea took the edge off. Could not explain it, it just kinda helped.

CJ
 
Lately, my drink of choice was Tilt, Sparks, Joose. Of course Bud Ice has always been a favorite too, but I am mainly a beer drinker. Never drank hard liquor when I could be drinking beer.
 
As Mongo said, you've got support here too, use it. Sounds like you're getting your shit together. Keep at it, good luck.
 
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SolidSoldier}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
You're in my prayers my friend!!!!!
 
I put a big-ass note near the head of my bed that reads: Did you ask God to remove the urge to drink or use today? I'm not very religious, but it is humbling for me to do this. My sponsor told me about a woman he knows with 21 years in sobriety. Every time someone she knew fell off the wagon, she'd ask them a series of questions. The one thing everyone had in common? They didn't ask God to remove the urge to drink on the day they went out. Needless to say I'm a praying man today, even if this single request is the extent of my prayer.
 
You are in my prayers and heart as well. I remeber what is what like being where you are now!! I will do what ever it takes to help YOU, if you want to continue to help yourself!! Let me know what I can do to help. ok? I iwsh you peace inside and outside
 
Its more than the urge to drink, What Tatman told you is true. People are not all immenent threats. You said you wanted to take this seed and plant it and grow it and water it...

In my opinion and I dont know it all trust me...that next step is at some point SS you should give something of yourself to others. Voulenteer to read books at a childrens cancer ward, Bring meals on wheels. Become a big brother to a dis advantaged kid. What this does is..

1. expose yourself
2. teach you that there are a lot more people who need your help
3. teach you that in real life most people just want help from other people.

I did this...I wont bore you with my life but lets just say its a story that is rarely told...but it had a happy ending because someone told me what I am telling you.


Good Job sir...stay sober..

RTDTB
 
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