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- Sep 13, 2002
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- 1,570
I found this on the internet and it gave me a good laugh. Hope it does the same for you! 
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
notes are
from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from
the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>>>> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
>>>> beer during the tasting, So I accepted". Here are the scorecards
>>>> from the
>>>> event:
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>>>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>>>> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>>> seriously.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>>>> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>>>> wanted
>>>> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>>>> they
>>>> saw the look on my face.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>>> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>>>> Get me
>>>> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>>>> backbone is
>>>> in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of
>>>> the beer.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>>>> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>>>> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
>>>> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 400-lb. bitch is
>>>> starting
>>>> to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>>>> aphrodisiac?
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>>>> adding
>>>> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>>> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>>>> and I
>>>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>>>> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>>>> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
>>>> burning my
>>>> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
>>>> stop
>>>> screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>>> spices and peppers.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>>>> garlic. Superb.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>>> sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>>>> eat
>>>> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>>>> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
>>>> anymore.
>>>> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>>> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>>>> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>>>> uncontrollably.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
>>>> which slid
>>>> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
>>>> match my
>>>> shirt.
>>>> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>>> decided to
>>>> stop breathing,
>>>> its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
>>>> need air,
>>>> I'll just
>>>> suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 8 Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>>>> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>>>> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
>>>> out,
>>>> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
>>>> he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
>>>> really hot chili.
>>>>
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
notes are
from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
Texas from
the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
>>>> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
>>>> beer during the tasting, So I accepted". Here are the scorecards
>>>> from the
>>>> event:
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>>>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
>>>> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
>>>> seriously.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
>>>> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
>>>> wanted
>>>> to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>>>> they
>>>> saw the look on my face.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>>>> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
>>>> Get me
>>>> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>>>> backbone is
>>>> in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of
>>>> the beer.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
>>>> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
>>>> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
>>>> was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 400-lb. bitch is
>>>> starting
>>>> to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>>>> aphrodisiac?
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
>>>> adding
>>>> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
>>>> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
>>>> and I
>>>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>>>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
>>>> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
>>>> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
>>>> burning my
>>>> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
>>>> stop
>>>> screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>>>> spices and peppers.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
>>>> garlic. Superb.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>>>> sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
>>>> eat
>>>> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>>>> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
>>>> anymore.
>>>> I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>>>> chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>>>> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>>>> uncontrollably.
>>>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>>>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>>>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
>>>> which slid
>>>> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
>>>> match my
>>>> shirt.
>>>> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>>>> decided to
>>>> stop breathing,
>>>> its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
>>>> need air,
>>>> I'll just
>>>> suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>>>>
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>> Chili # 8 Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>>>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>>>
>>>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
>>>> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>>>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
>>>> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
>>>> out,
>>>> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
>>>> he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to
>>>> really hot chili.
>>>>
