This Is About A Chili Contest.

indian george

indian george

Joined
Feb 15, 1999
Messages
11,566
Texas Chili Contest

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to
read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my a*s with a snow
cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3.He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder
how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
 
Good one, IG! :thumbup:

Say, this reminds me of a story...

When Linda and I were going through night school to get our degrees, we connected with one of the professors. She was a high school science teacher in her day job, but taught college science at night too.

When the course was over, we asked her and her husband (Jean and Tom)over on a Saturday for a nice hike in the fall leaves and some hot chili and cornbread afterwards. Oh the FUN!

Turns out they were your everyday garden-variety REALLY serious granola-eatin' green flag-waving geeks. She would not let him have any guns, though I think he would have shot himself in the foot. She did permit him to have a Buck knife, which he named Jeremy. :rolleyes: This guy even had a sharpener for his disposable shaver... can you beat that for being a tightass? If they ate any meat at all, it was only when out for a meal, and usually only then to be polite when eating at someone else's house. Otherwise, they were salad-heads with a side of tofu :barf:

They brought some wine and opened it. Some funky red schtuff. :barf: They liked it, so I guess that part was good. Then I served the chili and cornbread...

Now when I make a chili, it's loaded with steak. I dont use burger. It aint real chili otherwise. Some say it aint chili con carne if its got beans, but I use a whole mess of pintos in there too. Pretty danged good stuff if I do say so myself. I don't make it extremely hot, but definitely enough to need a cool drink by your side. I make a nice jalapeno relish to go with it also, along with the corn bread.

I am used to this stuff, and was really enjoying my bowl of red, and by the time I had finished, Jean and Tom had scarfed down two bowls and was going for a third. All the while exclaiming how good it was, and how great a cook I was, and drinking their wine, and carrying on like that. Altogther Jean ate 3 bowls, and Tom ate 4. Linda and I was shooting quick glances at each other because we new this stuff was good in moderation, but will compound exponentially when eaten in excess. They ran out of wine, and I started feeding them shots of tequila. Still, I didn't say much, and we all had a reasonably-good time.

We made our goodbyes and they drove off in their Mercedes SUV.

The next two days I suffered horribly from gastric distress. That ios putting it mildly. A cloud hovered over the house, and whenever a bird flew into it, it fell to the ground, dead. Linda was almost as bad. We thought about sleeping in separate beds that night, but grit our teeth and opened the bedroom windows a little wider to let in more of the cool October air.

They didn't call or email the next day (like they said the would). Linda emailed Jean for a quick update on how they were doing. She said they were pretty sick from all the chili and drinking. I can just imagine!

They never called us again. :D
 
HEHEHEHHE!!!! If they ever come over again, let me know in advance and I'll send you a jar of my HT'g relish. :eek: :eek:
 
Thats exactly why I'm very hesitant to ever eat chili. There really is no set definition on what chili is. Some people offer you "chili" and it ends up being more like tomato soup with beans in it :barf:
Then you got folks like Higgy who manage to make some concoction that might taste great... but sneaks up and whups your ass later on. Swear you'll never do that to yourself again, but when the chance arrives you decide you just over did it last time and end up back where you started.
Then there's psycho's like Mr. Oldfart who are into self torture, and think that everyone needs to suffer with them. Its not about eating chili, its about pain. They have no sense of taste or feeling in their mouth anymore, and judge how good their cooking is by how many of their buddies are chugging beer and begging for mercy. I don't even need to try IG's food or HT relish. I know just from reading about it that I would most likely shreik like a little girl, and not make it past the first bite :D
 
Thanks I.G. great way to end the day. My wife found me at the keyboard with tears in my eyes. She asked if I had gotten some bad knews. Fred
 
Matt Shade said:
Thats exactly why I'm very hesitant to ever eat chili. There really is no set definition on what chili is. Some people offer you "chili" and it ends up being more like tomato soup with beans in it :barf:
Then you got folks like Higgy who manage to make some concoction that might taste great... but sneaks up and whups your ass later on. Swear you'll never do that to yourself again, but when the chance arrives you decide you just over did it last time and end up back where you started.
Then there's psycho's like Mr. Oldfart who are into self torture, and think that everyone needs to suffer with them. Its not about eating chili, its about pain. They have no sense of taste or feeling in their mouth anymore, and judge how good their cooking is by how many of their buddies are chugging beer and begging for mercy. I don't even need to try IG's food or HT relish. I know just from reading about it that I would most likely shreik like a little girl, and not make it past the first bite :D
Click to expand...
HEHEHEHE!!! You are right. :D I got to have my Lady taste everything now before I add my relish to it. I got my son coming in to live on my 2nd floor and he is just as bad as I am with hot food. So if I do make something to hot at least I will not have to eat it all by myself. :D :D
 
indian george said:
Bro!!! You do Hot food???? :eek: :eek:
Click to expand...
i figger myself as a wuss so far as hot foods go but im up for a try hell you only live once right
side ? IG have you ever tried cave creek chili beer if so i can say it was too hot to drink but might be right the way you like it
 
butcher_block said:
i figger myself as a wuss so far as hot foods go but im up for a try hell you only live once right
side ? IG have you ever tried cave creek chili beer if so i can say it was too hot to drink but might be right the way you like it
Click to expand...
Never heard of that beer. :confused: But it sounds cool. :D :D
 
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