Time always doesn't heal all wounds.

Ken C.

Ken C.

Jack of all trades, master of none.
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Tomorrow will be 1 year since the death of my friend and mentor Fire Capt. Gary Bolcar. Since that infortunate day I have found myself contemplating how and when I am going to die. Will it be on the job, at home? Will I die saving lives or in the daily course of my day? It has come to the point that every minute I am alive I am thinking about my inevitable death. I guess the past 3 years has really taken a toll on me. Far too many friends and family have died of unnatural causes which is probably why I have been thinking about it so much. I know it sounds strange but I always wonder what people will say about me when I am gone and how I will be remembered. How will may family cope? That's the killer. I want my kids to know me. I spend most of my time with my kids. More so than anybody I know. I am pretty sure my wife will tell them about me and the kind of person I was/am.

When Gary died a piece of me went with him. He has been remembered well. Memorials, plaques, pins, badges...it says something but not everything about a man who was the best damn person I have ever know outside of my family. Will these things be said or done about me? Have I deserved such an honor? I have know idea. I would like to think so but then I won't be around to know. There is one line in the movie 'Gladiator" that basically sum it up for me. It goes like this...

"What we do in life echoes in eternity."

I don't plan on leaving this realm anytime soon but I guess I can prepare for it. Does anyone else think about this or am I off my rocker?
 
All we can ask is to find some peace in our lives. All we really have is just this moment. The rest is all contingent.

Good thoughts your way Ken. Sorry it's rough for you bud.

Brandon
 
K.V. Collucci said:
Does anyone else think about this or am I off my rocker?
Click to expand...

Ken - You're off your Rocker (Just kidding! :p )

I think about it, not obsessively, but I do. My biggest fear is not my own death, but that of my family. To have my wife & children taken in a car accident, like on those drunk driving TV commercials.

My second biggest fear is my death. Not because of the death itself, but being separated from my family, and the void that would be left in their lives.

So. am I off my Rocker?
 
Ken,
When I was you age with little kids at home I thought about it all the time. I was terrified by the thought of dying before my kids were grown. I remember some nights holding my kids at they slept or looking into thier cribs at thier tiny sleeping forms and being so overwhelmed with fear that somewhere out there there was a bullet, or a intersection, or a bolt of lightning or whatever with my name on it. I prayed to God over and over to please let me live long enough to see my kids grow up. Dude 30 something men fear death because of the awesome ammount of responsibility that we have at that age..little kids, wives, aging parents, demanding jobs, community committments. etc.
Have faith that God has a plan for your life and that it is a good plan. Normally I dont share my faith here because we just goof off here. But believing that there is a good plan with you in that plan is what you need to put your faith in. Then live your life day by day and dont worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow can worry about itself.
Your friend dying tradgically is very sad. However his legacy has left you an opportunity to become a better EMT, Firefighter, father, husband, friend, servant. Dont let his death paralyse you..let his death affirm your life..

chill dude..your gonna be ok..

Ren
 
Hey, Ken

When the anniversary comes around it's no surprise you'd think about it. It actually would be more worrisome if you didn't, in a way. Missing folks we've become close to is a very natural human reaction and is one of the best ways to honor their lives, and in the case of Gary, their sacrifices.

Over the space of a couple of years I lost an uncle, two aunts, then first my father and then my mother. All were difficult, since you always have unfinished business with family, but given they were all sick first and in their 70s it was something I would learn to deal with in time.

Then in rapid succession we were all struck here by the events of 9-11, where I know I lost some customers who had become friends, and then a 49 year old cousin who had been battling cancer for five years. That was bad enough, but coming back from the first night of her wake I tried to reach a college friend of 25 years who had gone on vacation only to find he really did have a heart problem and he had simply pulled over to the side of the road and died 300 miles from home.

The only thing I could do was help his dad clear out some of his belongings. It was a lot of work to close out the lives of my folks, who were retired and had things in order, but it was something that we had some time to plan for. It was much, much harder to do so for someone who had a job, investments, obligations, and tons of collectibles from various hobbies. Not just in the strict sense of deciding what to throw out, what to sell, that kind of thing, but in knowing that you're basically ending someone's hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes, plans, triumphs and disappointments. Any life has tons of loose ends.

It was very, very difficult, much more than I ever would have thought. And this poor guy didn't have any kids! It took a long time for me to realize how lucky I'd been in one sense, but how unprepared I was for this, which is an obligation of a son but also of a friend.

You honor the memory of those who have gone by remembering them, knowing it's going to be painful at times. That's one of the prices of life, the emotional pain--I think one of the others is taking what was the best of them and bringing it forward in yourself, as corny as that sounds. Seems like you are doing that and figuring out what's really important to you. Unfortunately it's a difficult process, one that everyone has to figure out for themselves, and it never ends. I think an awful lot of people dodge this completely, let others run their lives and make decisions for them, until one day they realize they have never really owned anything important in their lives.

Regards,

John
 
Ken, I am older than you, but since I married late, my beautiful twin daughters are quite young. And since we had them, I think about that kind of stuff a lot. (Although my job is not as dangerous as firefighting.) I have a lot of friends who are in similar situations--so if you are off your rocker, at least you have a lot of company. As I get older, of course I lose friends--in war and in peace. It really helps to have religious faith, and to think that there is a part of us that is eternal (i.e. the soul). But whether you do or not, it seems to me that you have the best algorithm possible-- by spending time with your family, you ensure that no matter what happens, part of you still lives on in their memory. And isn't that true for your friend Capt. Bolcar? I think that part of him still lives on--by your remembering him.

And as far as how you are going to die--it seems to me that it's how you live that counts---and as far as I can tell from your posts in the short time that I have been reading them--you don't seem to be doing so badly. Raise a glass in your friend's memory, continue with his legacy, and hug your family.
 
I think about death a lot. I'm not religious, so I try to cherish the time I have now. There's some mechanism inside of humans, or so I believe, that allows them to keep forgetting about their unavoidable death. It's a double-edged sword, though; sure, you won't go around thinking about dying all of the time and not enjoying yourself, but at the same time people may be taking what they have for granted. One of the problems with this mechanism is that people are afraid to live the life they want to, fearing that it's not culturally acceptable or it's a waste of time. Some people might argue that me sitting here typing this to all of you is a waste of time, that obsessing about knives is silly and stupid, but why would we change and not indulge in something that we love just to conform to the current norm and REALLY waste our time not enjoying ourselves. That example is a little lame and specific, but apply it in broader terms. Live a life so that when you reach the age of reflection, you won't be tortured over what you could have done. As far as losing people goes, as humans we're all going to face a tough road with the deaths of friends and family. It sounds like Ken has been hurt more than I hope to ever be, and he has my sincerest sympathy for that. If I had religion, and truly believed, maybe losing those I love might be a little easier, but as it stands I think that my beliefs about this life being all you get are going to haunt me as I get older. The only thing I can do is try to live life to the fullest, a cliched saying that is terribly hard to do. If I'm lucky, I'll die in peace at old age, but it would be naive for anyone to count on that. Who knows if you'll have an aneurism, or die in a car accident, or fall to your death? Nobody can, and because of that if we didn't have our mechanisms of self-percieved invincibilty working round the clock effectively for most of our waking hours, we'd be too scared to leave the house.

And another thing, the people around you are just as vulnerable as you, and I know it's easier said than done, but I suggest that we all try to express our true feelings as much as we can, and don't let arguments go on, so that if someone close does die, we can grieve their deaths without blaming ourselves or feeling like they never knew how we felt. It's a soapbox-lecture, I know, but I'm sure there are some people who can do it. I don't think I'm quite wise enough yet.
 
K.V., I disagree with your title in that I do believe time does heal all wounds.

Scars are left, but wounds do heal. The scar left behind because of the loss of your friend is a great one to have. One which you will use to remember someone you cared for.

There is no more of a greater tribute that you can give a person that you cared for than the one you just gave your friend here, the friend that you remember so fondly and respectfully. He may have lost his life, but his soul lives through your memories of him that are shared here.

Thinking about dying is common in everyone, which affords good people the opportunity to do right.
 
Occasionally, I get into these funks. My family is in a bit of a tight spot, right now, and we're in the crucible. I like to imagine that it's a purification, and that we'll come out of it stronger and better, but that's shallow consolation when you're working your fourth day on little or no sleep, at a thankless job doing trivial work.

At times like this, these thoughts help me to pull up from the "spiritual auger-in:"

1) Step back and look at the world from an astronomical scale. How does what we do affect the universe? Few and far between are the moments in our lives that really linger, speaking from the timeframe of a thousand years, so don't sweat minor details like whether or not you're keeping up with the Joneses, whether you drive a Jaguar, or such. If you are content, and you have the good fortune to be keeping a loved content, then consider yourself lucky. If that fails, and I REALLY need to kick start my psyche again, I recall a combination of quotes from movies that really struck me:

2) "We're all dying...some of us are just doing it a little faster than others."

3) "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

4) "Don't focus on the finger, or you will miss all of that heavenly glory...!"

I know it's not much solitude, Brother. But sometimes the best you can hope for is to wake up in the morning.
 
The only thing I fear about death is for my wife to die before I do, as I would be totally lost without her.

I want to die in my sleep so I don't even know I'm dead.
 
Ken, mentors are wonderful to have. I think what question remains in alot of peoples hearts and minds who have lost people of great importance to us is "Were you proud of me? am I doing what I learned from you the right way?" You are a great guy. I don't think you're off your rocker, it's just the frigging anniversary.
 
:) youre never gonna die!! dont sweat the small stuff.

remember the lord will take you according to his plan, keep the kid close

to your heart and enjoy life to the fullest! :) :) :)


:) :) :) :) :) :)
 
Ken, NeedleRemorse, and the rest..
Thank you for these thoughtful posts.
I hope I have something to add.
Anyone past the age of eight or nine has gathered that they will pass away some day. Yet Needleremorse's 'double edged sword ' gives us the peace or ease of being able to forget it as a personal fact, all the while still acknowledging death in the abstract, as someone else's fate..
To me it is no longer abstract, having dodged the bullet twice with leukemia, I am now almost halfway though the statistically predicted lifespan. Of course one hopes for a miracle, for a better drug, a more optimistic study, or at least to be at the far end of the curve :) , but for 80% of my group we are counting months not years...
I think you are exactly right to reflect, remember, and look ahead..
Everyone's response to mortality is different. I have returned to edit out a lot of my story here. How I've reacted, the changes in my views, faith and deeds. These are things beyond my talents to get across. And I feel they are of import really only to friends and family. Call me a tribal minimalist.
I do feel free to say...this capacity to remember one's losses and joys and to contemplate one's own ending, is one of the few that keeps us from merely existing under Nature's rule of red tooth and claw.
Ken, you're not off your rocker, just eminently human.


"The life which is unexamined is not worth living."
PLATO
Apology, 38
 
Uitlander,

This is the first I've heard of your condition, and all that I can say is that I wish you the best of luck and that I'm genuinely sorry that you're going through this. All I can do is hope that you're of the 20%, and that the cure will come sooner rather than later. When you're standing at a sub shop counter dropping quarters into the paper Leukemia fund displays, just looking at the picture doesn't give you the full spectrum of humanity. You've got my sympathy and my wishes, and I'm impressed by the maturity and wisdom through which you're viewing your situation.

All of the best,
Dan
 
Time doesn't heal all wounds but it does numb them and make the pain bearable.

Uitlander believe it or not I know what you are going through. If you would like to send me email we can talk. Good luck.
 
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