- Joined
- Nov 3, 2005
- Messages
- 197
A couple of other active threads inspired me to whomp this up as I recovered from some serious over-eating today. Contrary to what some of you may conclude, alcohol was not involved.
Troll Baits Guide to Surviving Serious Social Encounters with Zombies and Mall Ninjas in a Post-Apocalyptic Nuclear War Zone
1) Never venture forth from your stronghold with only a slipjoint. If you do, then theyll be slippin you in a coffin!
2) Make it a point that, every morning when you pull your pants on, you strap on a Busse Fusion Battle Mistress in an upside down shoulder holster.
3) If youre really serious about surviving the zombie and mall ninja encounters, then you wont have to strap the Mistress on, because youll never take it off, even for sleeping, showering, and doin your thang with really cool looking girl zombies that have been freshly re-killed.
4) If your normal method of taking out zombies and mall ninjas involves push-cutting type moves, such as roundhouse decapitating-like swings (good choice), then it is recommended that you put a really fine convex edge on your Mistress using progressively finer grits of wet-dry sandpaper glued to the cape of a vampire that youve decapitated with the very same Mistress. Finish off by stropping on the butt-cheeks of a unicorn. Thisll make it way sharp.
5) If your preferred method of slaying involves raking the blade across and through the throats of zombies and mall ninjas, then youll want a coarser edge. Simply apply a rough finish with a mill bastard file, or use the field expedient method of doing same on a concrete curb. Note: youll have to rake that blade through the throat of a LOT of zombies/mall ninjas before you dull it to the point of needing concrete to sharpen it. One hell of a lot.
6) It would really be advised that you check with Jerry at the shop to see if he can apply a coating of mithril silver, or starsilver, to the blade of the Fusion Battle Mistress. This doesnt help much with the mall ninjas, but it is pure hell on the zombies and the occasional vampire. They really hate it. If Jerry is out of the mithril silver and starsilver, regular silver will have to serve.
7) It will be wise to back up the Mistress with a good, locking tactical folder. Folks, you dont need ol Troll Bait to tell you what you already know. Dont even think about looking further than Dark Ops Knives. They manufacture blades that are specially formulated to wreak burning death on the very types of enemies that youll be striding forth to slay. And, if you have to pry open the lids of any coffins or the door of a sarcophagus or a crypt, then there is no better tactical folder to do it with.
8) Try to always have a burlap sack full of garlic with you. Neither the mall ninjas, the zombies, nor the vampires will cotton to this very well, and it can come in real handy if your blood sugar levels drop during extended bouts of death-dealing. Simply find the nearest zombie, crush some garlic cloves over the flesh, and pretend that youre in a pizza eating contest back in college.
9) After youve killed all the mall ninjas and zombies, and whatever vampires that you can find, you are ready to try those very same blades on wild boar and wolverines. The really cool thing here is that if youve worn the Battle Mistress down to a nub from all the decapitating and throat slittin, then you can get it replaced for free with the unconditional warranty that came with it. Then there wont be any doubt in your mind that youll have what it takes to hurl that whirling Blade O Death at those charging beasts, cleaving their skulls in twain and dropping them like a sack of zombie heads.
10) Take a video camera along so that you can post a link for the rest of us here on Bladeforums. We will be happy to offer any tips so that you can do a better job next time. Youll need it, because its rumored that Godzilla is due to come out of hibernation soon, and since there wont be any ninjas for him to eat (his favorite), hes gonna be pissed, and hell come looking for YOU.
Troll Baits Guide to Surviving Serious Social Encounters with Zombies and Mall Ninjas in a Post-Apocalyptic Nuclear War Zone
1) Never venture forth from your stronghold with only a slipjoint. If you do, then theyll be slippin you in a coffin!
2) Make it a point that, every morning when you pull your pants on, you strap on a Busse Fusion Battle Mistress in an upside down shoulder holster.
3) If youre really serious about surviving the zombie and mall ninja encounters, then you wont have to strap the Mistress on, because youll never take it off, even for sleeping, showering, and doin your thang with really cool looking girl zombies that have been freshly re-killed.
4) If your normal method of taking out zombies and mall ninjas involves push-cutting type moves, such as roundhouse decapitating-like swings (good choice), then it is recommended that you put a really fine convex edge on your Mistress using progressively finer grits of wet-dry sandpaper glued to the cape of a vampire that youve decapitated with the very same Mistress. Finish off by stropping on the butt-cheeks of a unicorn. Thisll make it way sharp.
5) If your preferred method of slaying involves raking the blade across and through the throats of zombies and mall ninjas, then youll want a coarser edge. Simply apply a rough finish with a mill bastard file, or use the field expedient method of doing same on a concrete curb. Note: youll have to rake that blade through the throat of a LOT of zombies/mall ninjas before you dull it to the point of needing concrete to sharpen it. One hell of a lot.
6) It would really be advised that you check with Jerry at the shop to see if he can apply a coating of mithril silver, or starsilver, to the blade of the Fusion Battle Mistress. This doesnt help much with the mall ninjas, but it is pure hell on the zombies and the occasional vampire. They really hate it. If Jerry is out of the mithril silver and starsilver, regular silver will have to serve.
7) It will be wise to back up the Mistress with a good, locking tactical folder. Folks, you dont need ol Troll Bait to tell you what you already know. Dont even think about looking further than Dark Ops Knives. They manufacture blades that are specially formulated to wreak burning death on the very types of enemies that youll be striding forth to slay. And, if you have to pry open the lids of any coffins or the door of a sarcophagus or a crypt, then there is no better tactical folder to do it with.
8) Try to always have a burlap sack full of garlic with you. Neither the mall ninjas, the zombies, nor the vampires will cotton to this very well, and it can come in real handy if your blood sugar levels drop during extended bouts of death-dealing. Simply find the nearest zombie, crush some garlic cloves over the flesh, and pretend that youre in a pizza eating contest back in college.
9) After youve killed all the mall ninjas and zombies, and whatever vampires that you can find, you are ready to try those very same blades on wild boar and wolverines. The really cool thing here is that if youve worn the Battle Mistress down to a nub from all the decapitating and throat slittin, then you can get it replaced for free with the unconditional warranty that came with it. Then there wont be any doubt in your mind that youll have what it takes to hurl that whirling Blade O Death at those charging beasts, cleaving their skulls in twain and dropping them like a sack of zombie heads.
10) Take a video camera along so that you can post a link for the rest of us here on Bladeforums. We will be happy to offer any tips so that you can do a better job next time. Youll need it, because its rumored that Godzilla is due to come out of hibernation soon, and since there wont be any ninjas for him to eat (his favorite), hes gonna be pissed, and hell come looking for YOU.
Feel free to ask one of us who have been around here for a while, if a post is from a "Mall Ninja". Just be forwarned, if the "Mall Ninja" catches on that you have caught him, you may get an empty threat that will make you chuckle. So if you like to chuckle, then call out a "Mall Ninja"
