Uncle Bill's confession and end of subject.

Bill Martino

Bill Martino

Joined
Mar 5, 1999
Messages
34,096
I pray daily. Yangdu and I have an altar in our home and we do puja almost everyday. We try to follow the teachings of Buddha and I hold the Dalai Lama up as an example with which to conduct my life. But there are times......

I am old and a little crippled. I am recovering from open heart surgery. I am not the man that I once was. BUT, I carry in my genes some traits that make me what I am. As my brother Yvsa knew without me telling him there is Cherokee blood this old worn out heart is pumping. As my brother Ray Chiappelli knows there is old Roman blood pumping through these veins. There is Prussian, British and more. And when the blood boils it overcomes me. Rusty once described it as "the faint smell of gunsmoke" as I recall and I was astounded by his astuteness. He is truly a brother and a very wise one. I cannot fool everybody.

When a man attacks me or wrongs me personally I can handle this generally but when he does wrong to or attacks my loved ones, my brothers or my nieces and nephews, I view it differently. I want to retaliate.

If I could find this man who ran Chokpa down and drove away I would like to do so. He is most likely younger and stronger than me but I am older and wiser and I have my antique .38 that has two marks on the handle and my favorite khukuri that has already killed. When that combination of blood boils in my veins I want to kill easily and wisely and with the sweet taste of vengance. I want to track that man down and let him know who I am first and why I am killing him and then I want to gut shoot him.

This is my confessional.

God help me overcome my weaknesses and give me strength.

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Blessings from the computer shack in Reno.

Uncle Bill
Himalayan Imports Website
Khukuri FAQ
Himalayan Imports Archives (18,000+ posts)
 
To find peace a man must be prepared to fight, and to preserve and sanctify life, a man must sometimes take life -- for there will always be those to whom peace and life mean nothing. Therefore, to feel a need for vengeance is not, in and of itself, dishonorable and cause for contrition.

The gospel according to Steven F.

[This message has been edited by Steven F (edited 10-26-2000).]
 
I remember going through the same process when, years ago, a man ran my wife off the road. Our infant son was in the car.
Thank the Higher Power that no one was hurt.

We found out who the man was, and fortunately my then father in law restrained me from taking revenge. I know that I probably would have killed the man.
What would the consequences have been for my wife and son...with me in jail?

Resentment and hate are very powerful. I know because they ruled my life for a long time and made me a sick and unpleasant person. I had to struggle with these again when that woman carelessly pulled in front of my motorcycle back in July and put me in the hospital. I am still in pain from the crash, but I try to do the spiritual exercises necessary to overcome the negative emotions.

Uncle, you know that "Karma" is not a theory.
"What goes around, comes around" is a fact of this universe.

Whoever did this will get his, or hers. I am sure of that. And I think you are too, in your heart.

Uncle, do not be ashamed of being human, and just a bit short of Buddah-hood. Most of us are.

I will pray for your peace of spirit as well as Chokpa's quick recovery


--Mike L.



[This message has been edited by Mike L. (edited 10-26-2000).]
 
:
No.
It will get easier as time passes, But it will never completely "pass."
That's the Blood speaking and there are things that happened many long years ago that still bring the killing instinct to my mind.
I try to keep them buried but sometimes in my dreams..........

Yvsa.
 
at a time like this I recall advice given me a long time ago: Vengeance is a dish best served cold.
 
This is what I believe :

Hate is a good thing. It is an instinct all animals have, and helps us to keep ourselves and loved ones alive and intact. It promotes survival of the things most important to us. It is a fuel for many great emotions.

Compassion is a man-thing. Whether God-given or species developed, it is a badge of our higher station in existence. Through the tempering of compassion we have the capacity to choose, and rationally attempt, to forgive. This is a very great thing, and gives each of us what I believe is the core of our soul.

You work to find that balance between blind rage and total capitulation in this thing, as in a dozen other things you do everyday.

It's good to know it and say it, recognize it - if you keep your eye on it, hate seldom gets a chance to grow and corrupt your soul. Accept it, and with God's blessing it will be useful and make you stronger.

If nothing else, it's teaches us patience
smile.gif



Nick

[This message has been edited by chetchat (edited 10-27-2000).]
 
Bill,
Glad the "little one" is ok!That's "THE"
important thing!As for your feelings,they are
normal,but you are a nice guy,I'm not,in cases like this.He or she will get what's coming to them.Everyone "PAYS"sooner or later!
jim
 
Of course ... Pakcik Bill is Pakcik Bill!

BTW ... after reading thread Who Are You? Pages: 1 2 3 ... I think most of us KhukuriKnuts have sort of very similar characteristics in our internal human quality!

NEPAL H
cool.gif
!
 
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. If not for the power of God's Holy Spirit in my life I would be dead or in jail. Do not be too hard on yourself, confess your sins, which you have done, and you can begin to find forgiveness. I pray the person responsible for the reprehensible act does the same.
 
Uncle Bill,

I understand that you are not as wise as you wish you were, but then, none of us is. If, in some future life, you achieve buddhahood (I know that's probably not the right term), you will know how to deal with events like this. In this life, none of us is a buddha and we just have to do the best we can.

I think you have done right in "confessing" your feelings. It brings them into the open and allows the light of day to shine on them. Now that they are out, though, you can see them for what they are. Revenge may look sweet from this side, but it would be bitter in hindsight. By all means, fight to prevent evil, but mere revenge is evil itself.

Take Mike L's story for the good advice it is. I can't tell you to forgive the driver because I could not do it either, but inside yourself, it's clear you know that retaliation would be wrong. We share your feelings -- both the desire for retaliation and that you need strength to resist them. Hold tight, Uncle. We're all here for you.

Paul


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Paul Neubauer
prn@bsu.edu
A tool is, basically, an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself.
 
Bill,

Your post reveals how much character and integrity you have. Your feelings of anger and desire to retaliate are understandable. The most important thing is that you want to overcome these urges, while many wouldn't bother trying.

Bob
 
First, thanks all for such great kindness and consideration. It is much appreciated.

Above all, I try to be honest. In my dealings with people and in the way I present myself on this forum and in person. I believe most see me as a kindly old fellow who trusts everybody and tries to do right by everybody and also one who claims to be a Buddhist. It is important in keeping with my philosophy of honesty with both myself and others that I admit to my dark side. My confession was necessary.

Knowing that Chokpa will be ok has helped but those old demons never go away. They always remain inside somewhere just waiting for the opportunity to emerge and take over.

It is my guess that most all live with such demons and it is important for us to recognize them and to deal with them as best we can.

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Blessings from the computer shack in Reno.

Uncle Bill
Himalayan Imports Website
Khukuri FAQ
Himalayan Imports Archives (18,000+ posts)
 
Just because it walks on two feet, doesn't mean it's human. Sometimes, for the safety of the herd, you have to put down the rabid ones.

Tom
 


[This message has been edited by Sandi (edited 10-27-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Sandi (edited 10-27-2000).]
 
Bill -

I respect your anger; it shows you to be a man of great courage, integrity and principle, though I think we knew that already.

But; should the opportunity arise, I sincerely hope you won't do this thing, for two reasons

(1) Taking revenge won't undo what's been done; you can't turn back the clock, If you could climb aboard a time machine, go back to half an hour before the creep did what he did, and *then* decapitate him, that'd be fine. Action after the event achieves nothing.

(2) I have no sympathy whatsoever for the perpetrator; but if you blow him away and get caught, he'll have ruined your life, too - and the lives of all those who depend and rely on you, or whose lives you lighten and bring joy to. Think of your family; of all the people in Nepal who depend on you for so much; of all of us who've come to rely on the brief respite from our daily burdens that this forum provides.

Revenge is a luxury that few of us can afford; you, Bill, least of all.

 
It's easy to decide you "shouldn't" feel the way you do, but after you make that decision you always find you still have the same feelings.... I counsel people not to use the S word at all, and especially not about feelings. Lately I've been following a suggestion I read somewhere to substitute "it would be better if" for the S word to clarify your thinking. For example, instead of telling yourself, "I should just forget about that hit-and-run driver," tell yourself, "It would be better if I could just forget about that hit-and-run driver and get on with my life, and I suppose I will eventually, but right now I feel like tracking him down and shooting him in the legs so he can't run away from me and carving him up with a khukuri and leaving him to wonder if someone with more decency than he has will come along and rescue him before he bleeds to death."

Substituting "it would be better if" for "should" won't make your feelings go away either, but at least you won't be adding to the confusion with feelings about blaming yourself for having feelings.

It also helps to share your feelings with understanding people, which I see Bill has done already ... and so have I....

-Cougar :{)
 
Friend Bill, I know how you ache to see retribution come to the malefactor, and how you wish that you could be the agency of that retribution. I have felt this too. We are men, and deep in man's brain is the remnant of the beast that we were, and could become.
But we know, do we not, that retribution WILL come in time to all malefactors? The paltry satisfaction that we might feel in a personal revenge must pale when we consider this, and we must weep, not alone for the victim, but for the victimizer as well. His spirit is polluted; his heart is blackened, by his act. Nothing we could do to him is worse than that. Chokpa will heal, her scars will be clean. His are deeper, and may last much longer.
To long for vengence is a human thing. To realize that no matter what anyone does, retribution is inevitable, and be satisfied with that, is more human. To hope for the rehabilitation of the wrong-doer, and his ultimate salvation, is the most highly human thing of all. Anger passes, and pity comes. May it happen soon for us all.
Ken

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The sword cannot cut itself, the eye cannot see itself.
 
Bill, during and after the Khonvention, I found that as wonderfully as it went, the stress of just being who I was and honest about it got to me. Even a few days afterward I could feel a counter-reaction building. Being too good for too long was abnormal for me. I'd tightened down the pressure relief valve and I knew it was building up the pressure on the boiler til it blew.

I wondered how you were able to handle it having to arrange so much more stuff just right so the Khonvention came off well ( which it absolutely did ).

From what I picked up from Yvsa's posts, the week after the convention was an out of balance time for him too.

Then, brother, you dropped and chipped the point of that one khuk, and then lost it and slammed it hard enough to break an inch or so off the tip.

Until you posted that, I was barely keeping myself from going out to look for a dog to kick.

After your post, I laughed til I cried because now one of my brothers had made a monkey out of himself, so that I no longer needed to do it myself. Relief! Perspective returned to me. Now there was proof that other poor souls besides me were going thru much the same thing.

Anyway, I don't think I ever thanked you then, so I'm thanking you now.

------------------
"They asked would I fight for my country,
"I answered the FBI yea,
"I will point a gun for my country,
"But I won't guarantee you which way!"
Woody Guthrie

Himalayan Imports Website
 
I really hope Chokpa is going to be completely allright, and anything that I could do I would be absolutely glad to, but I feel more sorry for the guy who did this because he is totally ****ed on _so_ many levels...

That's a hell of a lot of suffering no matter what.
 
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