Well tomorrow is judgement day between me and my mom..

G

GarageBoy

Joined
May 23, 2003
Messages
5,952
Well, my mom called and told me to meet her at Church tomorrow. She didn't sound angry at me, so that's good. No mention about my stuff. So, what should I say tomorrow to her, if anything at all about this situation? Thanks guys
 
I really wouldn't say anything about your knives tomorrow. If she thinks that all you care about are your knives, that won't help out much.
 
Tell her that you love her, and give her a hug. Moms like to hear that, and generally they don't hear that enough. Also ask her what you can do to be a better son for her, and how can you make her proud of you.

I also agree with NeedleRemorse...DON'T ask her about your knives, as that will only put her on the defensive.

Good luck.
 
what they said. forget the knives. you've got a more important task ahead. tell her you love her and ask how you can help with the current situation. it is in giving that we receive....you'll get the rest of your knives back in time. just be patient.
 
Call me suspicious, but it sounds like a set-up to me.

She might want to meet you at church to have the preist talk (read lecture) you. She might have already painted YOU as the nutty one. :rolleyes:
 
I was told this a long time ago and while it may not help right now it is comforting. You won't always be at home. You will move out into the world on your own someday. When that happens then ypu can buy all the knives that you want! My point is that your situation isn't permanent! Hang in there and things will get better. Good luck today. :D
 
Easyrider,

You might be legally able to buy all these knives, but I'll be damned if I can imagine affording them after rent, electric, gas, water, garbage, beer, and condoms. (Not necessarily listed in order of importance)

:D
 
Is your Mom starved for attention? It has been my experience that women who want attention will make you miserable to get your attention focused on them. I bet you spend more time being nice now hoping to get your knives back. Just a thought.
 
It may be too late now, but I also vote for not mentioning the knives. The current situation is bigger than the knives. Keep your chin up.
 
Sock 'er in the nose! Give 'er the ol' ONE-TWO!

No, I'm just playing. Don't hurt her.

I'm really not sure what to say but the only advice that I can give you is to watch yourself and just play along. Rember, think before you act.
 
This may be too late for "Judgment Day", but it'll probably help in the future.

Before I throw in my $0.02, I should stress that I didn't read the original thread - only the two recent ones - but I gather that your mom borrowed a knife and cut herself and has now confiscated them, but I'm not clear on the reason (real or claimed) which will be an important factor in what you say. I also gather that there are separate relationship issues, which may or may not be contributing to your knife situation.

Its really difficult to tell you "what to say". But there are several core concepts in negotiation that are more likely to result in success.

Before you talk, you have to know what it is you want to acheive - e.g. get your knives back now; get them back in the future based on some measurable behavior of yours; get one back now in order to prove your responsibility; etc. and figure out what you're willing to give/do in order to acheive this.

The biggest threat to a negotiation is assuming a Win:Lose mentality. Unless you hold all the cards, you'll usually end up in lose:lose or lose:win. If you simply try to 'win' then you will have a long uphill struggle and may end up in a worse position than you are now. This is why you also have to know (or find out) what your mom wants, and figure out how you can satisfy that or how reset her expectations at a level that you can acheive. You have shown maturity and a win:win attitude by not taking your knives back without your mom's approval. Win:win is about realtionships, win:lose is about deals.

This may take a lot of work and communication, and you might have to figure out the truth from less than honest answers - people with low self esteem are often afraid to be honest because they feel they are exposing themselves to hurt if they do, this can make them defensive which can often be expressed either by retreating completely or going on the attack and your mom has done both. People who take out their frustrations on others are usually just passing on the treatment that they are getting from someone else who they can't fight back against. If you can understand what she is going through, and help her deal with it she will start to see you as an ally, rather than just a neutral or another enemy - and she will love you for it. If your dad is one of the antagonisers, it may be that he bears some responsibility, or that he is just a victim of her reaction to the treatment that she gets from her boss, colleague, whatever. It may help to find out.

-WHY has she confiscated the knives? She may claim that its a safety or resoponsibility issue, but maybe its her way of keeping her hold on you, particularly she feels she is competeing with your dad for your affections. If you keep the questions away from knives, you may discover the broader issues - and then you will be able to deal with them.

-WHY have the two of you been unable to reach a solution, given your apparent reasonable and respectful approach?

-Under WHAT conditions would she give you them back? They are your property, so 'never' is unacceptable, assuming that she doesn't wnat them for herself, there is no reason that she shouldn't give them back to you, so what would she need to see to know that this is the right decision.

I would agree with those who have said don't focus on the knives. If she feels thats all you care about she could get frustrated and may rightly feel that your priorities are misplaced. Instead, focus on trust. Asking why you can't have your knives back leaves your mom out in the cold, irrelevant to your happiness - as the most imporatnt person in your life for the past 15 or so years its gotta hurt to take 2nd place to G10 and steel. Yes?

So tell her how you feel. But don't do ALL the talking. Use examples of how you have tried to be helpful and responsible (maybe this required putting others first or making a personal sacrifice) tell her how it makes you feel to think that she hasn't noticed these efforts or doesn't appreciate their value. Tell her that you feel like she doesn't trust you despite all this.

If you ask why she feels she can't trust you, you show that you value her and her trust and that she is still important to you and always will be - the knives are just an example to illustrate the question. If she has honest reasons why she doesn't trust you enough, you can now deal with them and if not you can reaffirm the trust and your relationship. Once you have established trust, there should be no barrier to returning you possessions.

If there are issues that you need to work on, you can start to set criteria for their resolution. These can be requirements, timescales, conditions, etc. and should include recognition in the form of return of your knives, maybe all at once, in batches or one by one. Whatever. Make sure these factors are agreed, written down and signed in a contract by both of you. It is a tool for you to make sure that she doesn't keep moving the goalposts. You agree to make changes and she must agree to give recognition of those changes. Make sure you include specific measurable targets and timescales. While it may not be legally enforcable (a good thing) your mom should know that if she breaches it (thereby taking a win:lose attitude) that she'll lose something much more important than money (or the knives) she'll lose your respect (a lose:loseoutcome) - which is all that has stopped you from going behind her back so far, and has consequences reaching far beyond the knife issue. She can only 'control' you for a limited time, because once you're an adult she'll have to earn your respect anyway, or lose you. If she wants you to behave like an adult its only right for her to treat you like one. Try really hard not to be defensive (really difficult when you feel misunderstood) and if she reacts defensively to anything you say don't argue, take a step back and deal with it in a non-personal, non-judgmental way.

ABOVE ALL (and whatever happens at church today) the most important part of negotiation (and any aspect of human relationships) is LISTENING.

I wish I learned this 25 years ago. :(

Really LISTEN! Don't just hear. Don't just look and nod. Listen and understand. If you don't understand, ask questions (which will show you are really listening). If she goes too fast aske her to slow down so you can keep up. Ask if its ok to write down the important bits..... Listening gives you the inforamtion you need to reach a solution. It tells you the lay of the land, and what assets you have. It tells you where they want to get to and what they think of you. If you understand what they're thinking and how they feel, you'll know how to communicate what you feel in their words and start working together. :)

Let me finish by saying I that I hope none of my assumptions or suggestions offend you in any way - I just hope they help. After a really long post, it probably looks harder than ever. In fact its a lot easier than it looks - it just takes a lot of hard work! .... LISTEN and try to live in her world for a while, then you'll be able to show that you understand her and what she wants from you. If you need any clarification or whatever, please fell free to email me, or post your question here and I'll try to answer it. I am not a counsellor, but I believe this advice is good and I don't think that following it will make things worse than they are - you may find it helpful to deal with these issues with the help of a teacher or counsellor, they can help cool down the emotional bits.

Good luck! (and please let me know if this helps)

Dom


Summary:

Ask questions
Listen
Know what you want to acheive
Understand what she wants - figure out what you can do to give it (or reset her expectations)
Suggest a plan to reach a common goal - the criteria must be acheivable and measurable (e.g "do washing up 4 times a week" :barf: , Not just "do more washing up") and you should include timescales (e.g. do washing up 4 times a week for the next 6 weeks) -- if you do have to bargain with chores, why not focus on knife related food prep type ones, etc.?
Get agreement for the plan and put it in writing.
Do it!

Remember, the first rule of negotaion is "no". Or "mom, you've said that you want to be satisfied that I have the responsibilty to possess sharp objects. How will doing the washing up 4times a week for the next 6 weeks prove that to you"
 
Becuase I'm not an expert, and my reply might have been a bit loose in structure, I'd like to recommend this book:

Nasty People

Don't let the title fool you, 'Nasty' applies to all of us at times, but the book will help you to recognise and handle irrational behaviour without getting confrontational.
 
Thanks. We always went to Church Sundays and I teach religion school class, sorta. My dad came out and met up with her for lunch. No arguments. So far so good! And I still have my stuff! (For now)
 
little claw..... :eek:

you definitely sound like a well-trained counsellor.... ;)

garageboy, one other thing....I'm not sure if you will want to follow this route but I have at many points in life, just assessed that the situation would not improve, and moved on/written off the loss. sometimes that would be the best thing to do. the energy and anxiety spent is sometimes not worth it. anyways, that may be something you want to keep in the pocket for consideration at some stage. :)
 
spyken said:
little claw..... :eek:

you definitely sound like a well-trained counsellor.... ;)
Click to expand...

I am actually a salesman, which is sometimes similar! ;)

Being an analytical person I usually know when I'm right, which is always. :D I never could figure out why people wouldn't always agree with me. I mean... all they have to do is listen to me and they'll know I'm right, right?

:confused:
So I've spent a lot of effort trying to figure out how to get people to understand me, and the answer I came up with is 'listen'. People have been trying to tell me that one for about 25 years, now, and its starting to stick. Works pretty well most of the time... its also the reason I chose the sig. line below. I've been trying to figure out how to apply it to misconceptions about knives - but I tend to react defensively when people question my motives in having a knife, due to the implication that I have an ulterior motive or I'm compensating for some unspecified inadequacy!

I recall reading that when Marilyn Manson was asked what he would say to the kids who perpetrated the Columbine Massacre (I believe there was some connection made with his music) he said: "I wouldn't say anything, I'd listen to them" (paraphrase). I think if we all listened to each other a bit more and tried to live in other people's worlds for a while, there'd be a lot less hate and despair.
 
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