Congrats Uncle Malice! You win!
Thank you to all who participated!
(How very fitting to end with Robert Frost...I mean grits.)
One day a young man was walking through Barlow. He had just been chased off of a Beckerhead's lawn. So needless to say he was scared, tired, and equally bewildered by the image of Tradewater running behind him in nothing but his bath robe and waving a Machax in one hand and chugging a Budwieser Select 55 with the other. That image would go on to haunt the young man until he was well into adulthood.
His name was sqoon. And boy did he have a new look on life, so he traveled to the magical Olean, NY to find what this thing called a "Machax" was, he just had to have one. So our young man arrived at Olean, NY, only to be told that the great KA-BAR factory was closed for the day, but they had some old Combat Utility stock leftover and they gave him one to protect himself from the zombie hordes, and told him to venture to the west coast and search for the BeckerHead west gathering to learn more. He traveled for many days and many nights on foot defending himself from Bear Grylls parang wielding mall ninja zombies, needless to say, the Combat Utility's attributes far over powered the mall ninjas mere toys... Once there he met the wizard, known as Moose.
Moose was a giant of a man. He weilded the mystical BK9 and could out chop anyone in the land, so the story goes. Sqoon befriended the gentle giant and tended to a battle wound that he saw on his hand. Apparently, Moose severely injured himself in an epic battle with a robot from the future. A small price to pay for being the savior of humanity, that's for sure.
Moose and Sqoon roamed the countryside in search of Guyon. They knew that if they didn't bother to go find him and bring him to the gathering none of the other Beckerheads would remember to go get him. They arrived at his home, a hole tucked into a hill behind a big red door commonly referred to as a 'Biscuit Hole'. He opened the door covered in flour and clarified butter. "The biscuits! The biscuits! The biscuits are burning!" he yelled frantically. Moose and Sqoon rolled their eyes at each other as they entered his cozy home. Tactools and prototype Neckers littered his desks and shelves. Guyon was already back in the kitchen throwing around pots and pans, some full of half burned biscuits. Moose and Guyon helped themselves to a couple beers out of the fridge and sat down at his cluttered kitchen table, exhausted from their journey already. Moose nursed his thumb while Sqoon put down half his beer in a gulp.
"Well, what brings you here?!" Guyon asked.
"Oh geez, no one told him about the gathering again." Moose said.
"A gathering? No one tells me anything! Well okay, I will gather my things, but before we go we have to wait for a guest I have on the way."
"Who?" Sqoon inquired.
Worldwood thats who. he is coming to steal our women and eat and drink his fill. He is a secret agent spy coming to find out about the new line of beckers. he is our enemy, he will take the secret info back to the home of the evil Arkanian.
Legend has it that the one known as "Arkanian" once before tried to steal the secret of the steel from the great and wise Ethan Becker, but was thwarted by the fair princess D̶a̶i̶z̶e̶e̶ B̶l̶a̶d̶i̶t̶e̶ A̶i̶r̶y̶c̶a̶ Bladite. Since then he has been biding his time atop his throne of (chihuahua) skulls, waiting for the right moment to strike. Little did he know however that the secret was kept not by Ethan Becker, but by the fearsome and all powerful sorcerer known only as "Toooj". In the dawn of time, Toooj fought the god Zeus high atop Mount Olympus and bested him in hand to hand combat. As his prize he demanded the secret of the hardest yet strongest and most resilient steel that would ever been seen upon the Earth. Zeus gave to him the secret, which in turn would one day become the Becker Knife and Tool line. As time passed and Toooj tired of the games played by mortal men, he appointed Ethan to stand in his stead for his dealings with mortal men, and to ensure that the prize wrested from Zeus would be given to all men and mer, and spread throughout the land.
Arkanian however wished to keep the secret for himself so that he could subjugate all men and bend them to his will, but he was betrayed by his general, the vile and wretched DerekH whom actually had stumbled upon the secrets whilst having breakfast at a local diner, which Toooj had left accidentally on the counter. Unbeknownst to the true knowledge that lay before him, DerekH used them as a napkin, wiping away large swaths of breakfast sausage and gravy from his gaping maw. Gravy is a wonderful addition to any breakfast and should quite honestly be added to the nutritional food pyramid, but I digress. General DerekH did not betray his Lord and Master purposefully, the delightful thought of a warm breakfast simply sidetracked him. After finally wiping his face and blowing his nose on the secrets, he threw them in the trash barrel which was promptly picked up by the Assistant Janitor, Psyop.
Meanwhile at the Biscuit Hole, Sqoon, Moose, Guyon, and Worldwood were discussing their next move.
"Guyon, we need your helicopter egress strap cutter serrated sickle prototype thing. It is the only weapon that can defeat the evil Arkanian," explained Moose.
After some digging through boxes, Guyon brought forth the mighty helicopter egress strap cutter serrated sickle prototype thing, and they admired it in all its serrated glory. "With this helicopter egress strap cutter serrated sickle prototype thing, we shall defeat Arkanian and his minions," exclaimed Guyon.
Suddenly, in through the biscuit door, burst Hawk590. "Let's go. the enemy is attacking," he shouted.
"Who's attacking, the orcs?" asked Sqoon.
"No, we've ripped off Tolkien enough, Zombies," explained Moose.
"But Zombies aren't real," said TMHunt.
"Hey Tim, when did you get here?"
"I've been here the whole time," said TMHunt.
"Glad you could make it, Tony."
"Yeah, welcome aboard, Toby."
"Let's go. Come on!" shouted Hawk.
"I have the helicopter egress strap cutter serrated sickle prototype thing. Let's do this," said Guyon.
"What's that for?" asked Hawk.
"The helicopter egress strap cutter serrated sickle prototype thing, the weapon that will defeat Arkanian and his Zombies," said Moose.
"That's silly. I have a silenced .45. Let's just use that," said Hawk.
"Okay."
And Sqoon, Moose, Guyon, Worldwood, Tobias, and Hawk rushed out through the biscuit door to do battle against the forces of evil.
The main force of evil in this land was a powerful wizard know as Skystorm he rides a multicolored unicorn with a tail like a rainbow. As the evil Skystorm came swooping in from Cinderellas castle, he stumbled and fell. Unfortunately the magical unicorns horn stabbed into one of Skystorms beautiful sheaths. The sheath was ruined and Skystorm was furious because all of his sheaths are as special as the other sheaths. Goose, seeing Skystorm in such a grievance came along and replaced the destroyed sheath with one of his own hand crafted beauts. Skystorm, with a tear in his eye, accepted the replacement but knew that it would never feel the same. The horrible accident haunts Skystorm for the next few years of his life and sends him into a spiraling depression, which is seen through his work as he only starts making sheaths in black with spiky chromed out studs, and starts wearing eye liner. His depression gets really bad but it will be ok for him because it's really only PTSD -- and we can treat that now.
But just as the group was about to depart, Guyon noticed the helicopter egress strap cutter serrated sickle prototype thing was missing!!! Where could it have gone? Then, in a sudden flash of intelligence (rare, but it happens) they jointly raised their index fingers up toward Heaven and proclaimed, "The Ogre stole it!!!"
They pulled out a magic communicator device and called mrn8 for instruction (who knows why -- they already used up their intelligence quota).
So they put their fingers back where they belonged (!) and continued on their quest to the cave of the mysterious Mistwalker, he harnessed the full power of the all mighty bk-17 (and they were hungry and needed some wild edibles) when they got to the spooky swamp that Mistwalker called home they discovered that the cave had been surrounded by a horde of zombies. they herd a cackling coming from deep inside the cave, and the occasional explosion..... "He has been known to like dynamite..." stated Moose. there suddenly was a huge explosion incinerating all of the zombies (and cooking the biscuit dough that Guyon had brought) They all gasped in horror except Guyon who was distracted inspecting his biscuits..... Squoon said "He was the only way to sneak into the-" he suddenly stopped, awe struck.... A deranged looking shadowy figure was walking out of the mist, as it came closer they saw the bk-17 and the charred clothing, but as the figure approached closer, they realized that the 17 hadn't even been drawn! The figure's features, which struck fear into many hearts (but of course not our intrepid group), slowly resolved into those of the notorious but nonetheless not well-known SpookyPistolero, who had narrowly survived the explosion in a bunker that he had rapidly constructed entirely with paracord, and his trusty remora. "That's not a knife, THIS is a knife," he said with a maniacal grin, waving the remora around. I think you've got that a bit backwards, said the Moose, with a grin. Then there came an awful moaning sound from the soot-soaked entrance to the cave, and they all spun to face it, only to realize that the paracord "cave" was slowly collapsing. And then they realized that "this is no cave". They had to make haste if they wanted to survive. They all stumbled out of the cave, moments before the mouth of the "cave" closed, only to realize that they were somewhere different.
They were in a vast nothingness. Some call this nothingness Canada. Then he remembered the sheeple knife laws in Canada. And they all started a quest to leave that place of sheeple nothingness. They figured the best place to go would be to a place of bright sunny skies with becker knives for everyone!! The journey would be long and difficult so they gathered they supplies lots of bacon beef jerky and altiods tins filled with lots of survial goodies. then they set off to find the mythical land of becker and the high king Ethan Becker, but as thet set out they found a lone RogueBowie trudging along in the middle of nowhere. They stopped to see if he needed any help for he looked as if he was walking for days. His hiking boots were so worn out you can see his toes, pink nail polish and all! "Thank god" said RogueBowie, "Does anyone have a Cliff Bar?" "No but I have some biscuit stashed away" said Gunyon as he pulled his BK14 from his neck sheath to cut him a sliver. "Wait! Is that a Becker?" Asked RogueBowie? They all looked at him in awe. "How do you know of this!" Asked Moose. He went on to tell them of a place he longs for, a place so important he is willing to die for it, a place he calls...Half Moon Ranch.
The group all looked at each other. This RogueBowie was on the same quest as themselves. So they embraced him into the wolf pack and continued to the great land of Becker but ahead in the shadows they found a lost tradewater who was half conscious with a bud select 55 in one hand and his other clenching his tactical walker/wheelchair thing. They asked him where he was coming from and he replied "You idiots don't ya' know I'm from Barlow? I oughta..."
After this short episode the men continued their journey to the world wood where they found explosives and bacon. Thus ending their delightful spring afternoon. But lurking int he shadows of the abyss were Portland yuppies plotting their move to establish bicycle paths through the beautiful countryside and rid all the land of sharpened war tools. As these yuppies prepared to advance, and put on their armor of stretchy pants and water bottles, RogueBowie prepared himself by putting a razor edge on everything in sight, his beckers, his belt buckle, even his nipple piercings. The rest of his group could only watch in horror as the world around them became so sharp tree's began to split themselves into cords, feathersticks rained from the sky, and arm hair mysteriously vanished like a fart in the wind. As the yuppies were finishing their Mio and 100% orgainic carbon fiber power bar.
The haphazard group was growing weary. This quest to beckerland was no easy one. mrn8 had not communicated with them yet. The Evils of Skystorm and his sheath making minions was spreading throughout the south, and Arkainian had disappeared off the map - in a rage filled mission to find the secret of the steel with DerekH in tow. How they had ended up in Portland - no one really knew or claimed responsibility, but it was quite evident now that they were off track. The group was getting large, and setting up camp was becoming more and more of a burden, and food was getting scarce.
Moose pulled Guyon aside that evening. "We've got to find beckerland soon. It'll be safe there. It'll bring up everyone's spirits."
Guyon nodded. "Yes. And you know what's good with biscuits? Chili."
A head popped out from behind a tree. "Did I just hear you're making chili?!" exclaimed OREGON FAL'ER.
Moose and Guyon jumped back in surprise at the tall heavily armed man smiling and walking briskly towards them. After receiving a bear hug and a questionable groping they both sighed with relief. He was one of them - with a BK14, 16, and BK4 sticking out of his pockets. They took OREGON FAL'ER back to the group in the trees - and his smile lessened, as there was no chili or bacon to be seen.
Upon returning to the camp, Moose and Guyon asked where Oregon Fal'er came from. He response confused the Moose and elated the Biscuit. His response was quite simply this:
"TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Now, who has the chili and grits?"
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I really need to try and make it to one of the gatherings.... someone have an AZ gathering since it's too dang cold everywhere else in the country! ha!