Advice on a Woman

Bamboo

Bamboo

Joined
Dec 16, 2004
Messages
2,315
What do you do when the woman you love moves to China (to go to medical school), says she can't commit to a long distance relationship (even though you are willing to), and now, just yesterday, tells me she is coming home on Friday.

Not for good, just for a month.

Her name is Jo. She is amazingly beautiful, has a great spirit, and makes me forget about everything else in the world.

But ... She also has emotional armor thicker than steel, and doesn't let anyone in, usually. I'm allowed in once in a while, which makes me feel like a King when it happens, and like **** when it doesn't.

So how do I keep myself in check over the next month, or do I just say the hell with her (almost impossible), or what??

All thoughts appreciated.

~ Bamboo
 
Somebody probably hurt her badly emotionally. Do you know what happened or can you get her to talk about it?

Ice
 
Just try to enjoy her company for the next month. Sounds like she is focused on a goal and is not ready for the distraction of a rleationship. Blieve me, medical school takes all of your energy. What will be will be. If it is destined to happen it will. If you really want to keep her in your lif, support her and be there for her. If it is too painful, best to just move on. Then again, I'm an idiot.
 
I've been in these situations before, and have tried to do the *right* or *best* thing over and over. Hindsight being 20/20, I offer the following advice:

Thoroughly enjoy your month with her, don't get emotionally tied up and then go to a strip bar to get over it when she's gone.

She's the only one that can take off her armour plating. Fixing people doesn't work, neither does waiting for them to change. This way, she will also not have to be on guard from your efforts to change her, and you can just be yourself. If she decides that she likes your natural self, then she will make her own adjustments. They usually do the pickin' not us.
 
Sorry

Look for commitment elsewhere

don't torture yourself

find another road to walk

Like the golden rule
this has been taught and repeated in many ways
but I especailly like this version:

"They say here "all roads lead to Mishnory."
To be sure,
if you turn your back on Mishnory
and walk away from it,
you are still on the Mishnory road.

To oppose vulgarity is inevitably to be vulgar.

You must go somewhere else;
you must have another goal;
then you walk a different road."
-----From Ursula K Le Guin's novel The Left Hand of Darkness

be well

btw
if you give up 'hope' for her
you are still free to be........... anything;
friend, ..., ... , ... , counsellor
If you try the latter
even if you manage to succeed
don't have any hopes or expectations

been there
done that

sorry


~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<>call me 'Dean' :)-FYI-FWIW-IIRC-JMO-M2C-YMMV-TIA-YW-GL-HH-HBD-IBSCUTWS-tWotBGUaDUaDUaD
<> Tips <> Baha'i Prayers Links --A--T--H--D
 
yup.

what they said.

smile, enjoy, laugh, celebrate life as you can with her...but this is not a drama you are living, just a life. It goes on fairly well of its own accord.
 
Dean's pretty much right.

She means it.

If you think you can have intimacy with her, enjoy it, and then watch her go away, fine.
Whatever you do, don't do what I've done; plead with her afterwards for love.

There is a place and time for pleading- believe it or not. But it is very rare, and this is not it.

Basically, love is either there or not, and you must recognize what IS there and live with it.

Asking for something you don't have won't give it to you.



munk
 
Don't torture yourself more, stay away from her. Cut clean and hurt a lot now instead of dragging it out for a long time. You might have a fun month, but it will cost you later. I give this advice from experience.
 
Crosby Stills and Nash.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.

Simplistic. Possibly true. There's not one true love for any one person. There are many possiblilites.

Enjoy what she is emotionally able to offer. If it's not enough for you, you'll eventually find someone who meets your needs.

Sounds cold, but it's not. It's practical.
 
FWIW, here's my 2 kopecks.
To paraphrase;
"If you love something let it go.
If it comes back to you it was ment to be"

Don't fall all over her an act needy, women hate that, it makes you look like
a woos.
Some one else said it; she's mostly likey been hurt, sucks but you can't fix it,
she has to deal with it.
Let her know you are there if she needs you and you want this to work, but
if it dosen't that's ok to. Life goes on.
Give her a month to remember, keep the heavy stuff to a minimum.
 
I'm reading that maybe this one isn't. Those in the medical profession have enormous strain put on their personal lives. In many cases they put their personal lives on hold to get through med school. Then there is residency and establishing a practice. I know a young lady who had it all planned out. I asked her what she intended to do to relax and maybe settle down, maybe think of a family. She said "By the time I get myself established and ready for any kind of serious relationship I'll be forty". That's half her life!
Maybe this lady or yours knows the focus required for her profession will keep her out of circulation and having to make commitments to someone else.

Don't think you can be a knight in shining armor. You can't fix her. Only she and maybe a good therapist can do that.
 
Thanks guys. All great advice. Believe me when I say, I will pull up this thread over the next month and remind myself of a thing or two...

Thanks again,

~ B
 
only thing I can add to it:

The only true change comes from inside.

If you're wanting some emotional connection, she's going to have to want it to.

Focus on yourself, though....not on her.

Find ways to "increase your purchasing power".

The more desirable you become in her eyes, the more willing she will be to meet your needs. ;)





(now go back and read that 6 more times until you understand it....)
 
Like some of the others said, don't torture yourself. Do not give her the impression you are sitting by the phone waiting for her call. If she calls and wants to go out, don't cancel other plans to do it, work her into your schedule. No woman wants a needy guy and if they know they'll always be there waiting, there's no rush or desire to call that person until they get bored. Get on with your life, you are obviously not a vital part of hers but don't feel bad, I doubt anyone else is either. You're just another guy she can trust to have casual sex with in my opinion. Find a girl who makes you feel good about yourself, not torture yourself.
 
No one can give more than they have to give.

In matters of love, if you ask for more than there is, the worst that can happen is that he/she/they make a promise that will not be kept. "Worst" because the height of torture is false hope for relief from pain.

If you expect more than there is, you are torturing yourself.

Give youself the opportunity to heal.
 
Thanks again guys. Sometimes you just need to hear that which you know to be true. I've already been in the process of moving on in life, and then she tells me she's coming home. In two days :mad: . But when they have a hold on you, they have a hold.

But fear not! If things start getting too heavy, I'll say, "Well, the guys in the Cantina said ..." "Oh, what's the Cantina? Well, you see, there are these knives called khukuris and ..."




Daniel Koster said:
Find ways to "increase your purchasing power".

The more desirable you become in her eyes, the more willing she will be to meet your needs. ;)


(now go back and read that 6 more times until you understand it....)
Click to expand...


You mean like Viagra? :D

Or maybe one of those 'devices' guys can use to, ahem, how'd you put it Dan? To 'increase your purchasing power.' :D


I hope I can return the favor/advice in the future.

Thanks
 
Is she Chinese? There are some cultural differences between Chinese and Americans. What seems like emotional armour may in fact be the down-to-earth and practical nature characteristic of many Chinese people.

I am by no means an expert in either culture, but I am married to a Chinese lady whom I met while she was pursuing medical studies in the US.

It's ok to think about stuff, but it is also important to turn inside and listen your heart also.

Talk about your thoughts and feelings with her also. Communication is important.
 
She isn't Chinese .. just a good old blonde haired, blued eyed CA girl. She is already an acupuncturist, but is going back to China for more in depth education, including language study.

I do know what you mean about cultural differences though. They can be dramatic.

And I agree, communication is key. Just sometimes feels like I'm talking to myself with this one. Not always, but often enough.

Thanks

~ B
 
Bamboo said:
But fear not! If things start getting too heavy, I'll say, "Well, the guys in the Cantina said ..." "Oh, what's the Cantina? Well, you see, there are these knives called khukuris and ..."
Click to expand...

I think there's a lot of good advice here. The only thing I can add is: Do not admit that you got personal advice from a bunch of anonymous internet knife nuts. :D I don't think she'll understand.
 
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