Age a person should officially be moved out of parent's place?

flatgrinder

flatgrinder

Joined
Dec 20, 2005
Messages
2,045
Just wondering what age do you consider a person to be competent to live on their own?

My step-daughter's 20, will be 21 in a few months and she's still living at home.

She wanted to go to culinary school and we paid for it, I'm still paying $225 per month for her student loan as she quit her culinary job because she didn't like it. I'm also paying $230 a month for her car insurance because she can't afford it. I also recently paid for her to go to school to become a CNA and now she doesn't want to do it. She works part-time 2 or 3 days a week at a coffee shop and spends the rest of the time sleeping.

What the heck should I do? I'm starting to feel like she'll never get her sh*t together.... Anyone else know any 20-somethings like this? Or am I the only guy who's sh*t of of luck. :grumpy:
 
18 is the appropriate age, or shortly after high school graduation. After high school kids should either be working and paying for their own stuff, or else be away in college.

You shouldn't be paying for all of her college/culinary school tuition either. If you've saved money for that, fine. But if you didn't save enough, she should be getting her own loans for the remainder.

And she should certainly be paying her own car insurance. Can't afford the insurance = can't afford to have a car yet.

I did live at home for a short time after college, age 23 or so. Did it for four months. But I lived on their porch ~and~ paid rent. Living out of my car trunk wasn't bad at all compared to that...

Obviously, you're making home living much too pleasant for her.
 
My rule of thumb is that I will help my kids move forward, but I don't help simply to maintain them. For boys there really is a big step in maturity that doesn't hit until they reach somewhere between 22 and 26. If their talents and temperaments don't pull them through college without interruption by about age 22 they need to stop and go out in the world. Exposure to life as unskilled labor combined with natural maturation will often enable them to do at 24 what was impossible at 18. The trick is that they need to be out on their own before they become ready. So I would push kids out of the nest as soon as they stop making progress on maturation. If they go back to school later on their own I may offer free lodging, but they have to pay for school.

Girls are supposed to mature a bit earlier. On the other hand I have seen a lot of girls who just can't find something that they like. A little economic pressure may help them focus. Somewhere along the line you have to get practical about your life choices.
 
Jeff Clark said:
My rule of thumb is that I will help my kids move forward, but I don't help simply to maintain them.
Click to expand...

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:Hear hear!!!:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

Jeff Clark said:
Exposure to life as unskilled labor combined with natural maturation will often enable them to do at 24 what was impossible at 18. The trick is that they need to be out on their own before they become ready.
Click to expand...

A little struggle is the only way many of us learn(ed)! My folks made deals with us that we could live at home for "free" while we attended college (paid for on our own) or they would pay the equivalent of state college while we supported ourselves on our own. My brothers and I all made some stupid mistakes and they bailed us out of a few and let us suffer through others, but we're all the better for it. All of us moved back home for a "transitional" stint after college while trying to figure out our careers, but we paid rent and supported our own vehicles.

My oldest is 12, but we're already discussing how we're going to handle this when it comes. I love my kids and will do everything I can to help them through, they have college savings/investments from grandparents and us and we will do as much as we can to help them get an education. A car, TV, iPod, microwave, stereo, etc. will be considered luxuries that they will have to provide for themselves if they want them.

Tough call, especially since she's a step-daughter and that throws a whole different set of wrenches into the mix. Is mom enabling this behavior, is she just as frustrated? That'll be the deciding factor!

J-
 
Sounds like you are at the point where you need to set some ground rules. You are becoming an enabler for her to live the lifestyle she wants. She is taking advantage and testing to see just how far and how much you will put up with. Sit her down, set a time when she needs to move on and start a life of her own, be it 3 months, 6 months.
I had a similar situation when my daughter came home from her tour of duty with the army, she didn't know what she wanted to do, and mopped around for a year. She finally moved on, thank god, and is doing just fine on her own.
Good luck, it is a tough situation, you have my sympathies.
 
"rest of the time sleeping" If that's an accurate statement check for medical conditions. Otherwise it's time to set down strict rules .Get a job [whether she likes the job or not ], pay insurance , pay rent etc. Kids develop at different rates but there have to be some rules .
 
Lots of good advice here so far.

Question: Are the loans / insurance in her name?

I'd give her a set amount of time, say 3 months, to find suitable employment. Then give her a buffer to get her savings up before moving out, maybe another 3 or 4 months.

If she flakes, stop paying on her debts, if they are in her name. Let her reap the repercussions.
 
Maybe that time sleeping could be better spent repainting your house? Give her some assignments - make her work for what you give her.

When I came home for summer from college at 19, I found that my bedroom had been turned into a store room, so I moved into my brother's old room. When I came home for Thanksgiving later that year, I found that my brother's old room had been turned into a home office. I got the message.
 
There seems to be a lot of this "lagging maturity syndrome" going around these days. Let's face it, times have changed. Once upon a time, when kids turned 18 or thereabouts they were considered "grown" and ready to head out into the world on their own. For various reasons, I don't think that's true any more. Not that this is good, but it's just the way things are in America now. There are various reasons we could discuss, but that's not relevant.

I hated high school, and even wanted to quit at one point. Fortunately, my parents put a halt to that nonsense. I graduated when I was several months away from my 18th birthday and I was immature. Pounding the pavement looking for work, and then working at several blue collar jobs over the next two years grew me up a lot. Working with grown men who tolerated me, but taught me how to conduct myself helped me immensely. Two years in the real world convinced me of the need for more education, so I enrolled in what we used to call a junior college. Before I graduated from that, I turned 21 and had at least a little sense. Upon graduation, I worked in a lumber yard, saved my nickels, and made my move at the end of that summer. I departed from my parents' home and moved away 300 miles to attend a university. One look at the inside of a dormitory told me that was not for me, so I rented a little one-bedroom frame house for $75 a month. At that point I was well on my way. I had tuition, books, rent, electricity, phone, groceries, gas, and a car payment, but I always worked while I went to school, as I had done in junior college. I ate cheaply, raised a garden, learned a lot, and made out pretty darn well, if I do say so myself. Oh yeah, I fell in love with the girl who became my wife while all this growing up was going on, too. Thank God that's lasted! I got that part right the first time.

This has been a long, round-about way of saying that kids mature at different rates. The young lady in question needs some firm but gentle attitude adjustment sessions it sounds like. I'll bet there is some sort of educational or occupational resource that could give her some guidance counseling. It might be what she needs. Yes, she's been indecisive, but now she probably lacks self confidence. She'll find it with your help, though, and make out OK.
 
Jeff Clark said:
My rule of thumb is that I will help my kids move forward, but I don't help simply to maintain them.
Click to expand...

Bingo. Exactly correct. It's not a matter of age but of why this person is living in his/her parent's home and largesse.


mete said:
Get a job [whether she likes the job or not ]
Click to expand...

Also a very good point. You have to explain to her that even if she don't enjoy her job, she has to work and work full-time. This is especially true for people just starting out. Entry-level jobs are not the most glamorous. In the culinary world, she can not expect to start off as Chef de Cuisine of a three-star restaurant. She can't even expect to start as scullary maid at a three-star. She may very well have to start off as a line cook at a Denney's. But the experience will be good and she can work her way up.
 
Check for medical conditions indeed. Sleeping all the time is a classic symptom of chronic depression.

Not being a parent, I shouldn't give you advice on child raising. I do know what my father would say, though. He always said, "When you quit school, you quit living here."
 
Looks like you have received some great advice. A couple of things to add since I might have been in a similar situation as her some years ago.

+1 on the confidence, it make take a while, and if she really is sleeping that much it sounds like she has a good case of depression. It might not hurt to have that looked at.
 
Here's another idea, instead of going to school and then deciding you don't like the work; try getting an entry-level job in the field before springing for school. With my approach they pay you to explore a field. You get paid to learn about how the job works.

My wife thought that she would like to open a bakery restaurant. I think it is generally a pretty sound business model, but do you really want to get tied to that work? I encouraged her to get a job in a bakery. Within 6 months she knew that she never wanted to see the inside of a bakery again. The store paid her something like $6,000 to learn what she needed. It was quick and painful, but economical.
 
Lots of good advice. :thumbup:

However, it also depends on what kind of kids they are - whether you like having them around and whether you get along with them. Both of my kids have lived away from home for several years at a time. Because of special circumstances, both are back living at home - my daughter who is 24 and my son who is 28. I know it's such a cliché. but we all get along more like friends than like "parents & children". If that were to change, I'll be holding the door open for them. ;)
 
Well guys I'm 18 going to one of the top private schools in the country, and living at home. Now I don't pay rent, but I have two jobs, and pay all my college expenses, car expenses. Sp I don't think living at home is bad at my age, if I didn't live at home I wouldn't be able to afford school.
Steven
 
She should have work around the house to do, just like her parents do, to keep the household going -- cooking, cleaning, mowing lawns, whatever.

She should have a job. One of the best ways to fight off depression is with activity. Since she can't afford a health club, a job should provide lots of good healthy activity, and as Jeff said, she'll even be paid for it.

There is no better incentive to go out and get a good job than to be stuck working in a bad one. :)
 
flatgrinder said:
Just wondering what age do you consider a person to be competent to live on their own?

My step-daughter's 20, will be 21 in a few months and she's still living at home.

She wanted to go to culinary school and we paid for it, I'm still paying $225 per month for her student loan as she quit her culinary job because she didn't like it. I'm also paying $230 a month for her car insurance because she can't afford it. I also recently paid for her to go to school to become a CNA and now she doesn't want to do it. She works part-time 2 or 3 days a week at a coffee shop and spends the rest of the time sleeping.

What the heck should I do? I'm starting to feel like she'll never get her sh*t together.... Anyone else know any 20-somethings like this? Or am I the only guy who's sh*t of of luck. :grumpy:
Click to expand...

Man.... I wish my parents were like you !!! :grumpy:

I got flung out at 17 and had to live totaly on my own. I couldnt own a car untill i could pay for and run it my self, i had to pay for my rent, bills, food and beer on my own as well :eek: no offence intended here but as long as "daddy" keeps paying for all her stuff she will keep doing nothing.

stop all payments and tell her to get a good grip of her self and wind her neck in !!! if she cant afford it she cant have it. simple as that, she is 21 not 12 !!! :rolleyes:
 
flatgrinder said:
Just wondering what age do you consider a person to be competent to live on their own?

My step-daughter's 20, will be 21 in a few months and she's still living at home.

She wanted to go to culinary school and we paid for it, I'm still paying $225 per month for her student loan as she quit her culinary job because she didn't like it. I'm also paying $230 a month for her car insurance because she can't afford it. I also recently paid for her to go to school to become a CNA and now she doesn't want to do it. She works part-time 2 or 3 days a week at a coffee shop and spends the rest of the time sleeping.

What the heck should I do? I'm starting to feel like she'll never get her sh*t together.... Anyone else know any 20-somethings like this? Or am I the only guy who's sh*t of of luck. :grumpy:
Click to expand...

You're an awesome daddy!


I just got out of high school myself I'm gonna stick with my parents till they... I just want the house.
 
Get some kit for her new home as a present and put it on her bed. Stagnation can, in itself, cause depression. A trip some where? Possibly a working trip?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top