Anyone ever completely complicate your life/change/relocate etc for a spouse?...

Reignman

Reignman

Joined
Oct 18, 2012
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Yea, seriously considering it....... watcha guys think?

** Elaboration*
I own a house... cars.... good job...
she lives in her home state with her family (a different one)

I'm debating relocating and ****Trying**** to afford to keep my home until we come to a permanent decision to be closer to her which would mean new job for me, new place etc. She is honestly a very special person, 1 in a 1,000,000 however... I am certain I'll be selling some grails and working my arse off to afford it. I just don't feel throwing the relationship away is worth the potential for a "what if" regret down the road..... I could always find a way to make money.
 
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Not sure you've elaborated enough to actually warrant a response but I will offer this tidbit...

I actually believe the traditional view of marriage that states the "2 shall become 1." Therefore, I don't view the tough life decisions so much as a personal complication as a decision that we both respectfully make together walking this thing out for the rest of our lives. best wishes to you and yours.
 
Too many variables for me to answer for you. But my variables are as follows: I have a law license in my state (MI), I have a CPL (concealed pistol license) in my state, I own many properties in my state, my family are mostly here in my state, and I make more money than my better half.

Therefore, we are not going anywhere... because I don't wish to retake the bar exam in another state, I don't wish to get re-licensed for CCW in another state, I couldn't possibly sell my properties for what they're worth in the current market (and I certainly couldn't leave them unattended), and I don't want to be far from my family. And did I mention that I make more than my better half? Case closed - we're here for the long haul...!

But that's my situation currently. If you asked me that same question when I was still in college/grad school/law school (or just out), then you would get a completely different answer... because my variables would have been different (or nonexistent).

Bottom line - no one can answer that for you except you.
 
I was in school pursuing a degree in accounting, lived 10 minutes from my awesome parents and had more friends than I ever realized. Two enjoyable part time jobs that made me enough to live on plus some for fun as well.
My girlfriend at the time (now wife) wanted to move to Texas to be closer to her family. I originally told her no but she kept pushing saying that she was going to go. I didn't want to wonder "what if?" and regret not going later on in life, so we moved.
The first couple years were alright other than being home-sick and not having any friends. Her parents and I never got along either, all they care about is money, as long as I can get by and enjoy life I'm pretty happy. I made a poor decision to go ahead and marry her because I was tired of her talking about all her friends getting married and I didn't think I could do any better.
I've been here for 5 years now and I find myself resenting her for making me leave everything I loved to come to this place that I hate. Our relationship is struggling, I haven't made any good friends and my old friends hardly have time for a phone call, her family still doesn't like me, I can't find work that I like and I've got no one to network with nor anyone to support me when I need a shoulder to lean on. I see my family maybe once a year for a long weekend and have missed seeing my niece grow up. The only things that bring me pleasure here are my hobbies (which she constantly complains about) and my dog.
Your mileage is sure to vary but, think long and hard about what you're leaving behind.
 
You could turn a corner tomorrow and bump into a girl who is one in a million, and doesn't live in another State.
 
JBravo920 said:
I was in school pursuing a degree in accounting, lived 10 minutes from my awesome parents and had more friends than I ever realized. Two enjoyable part time jobs that made me enough to live on plus some for fun as well.
My girlfriend at the time (now wife) wanted to move to Texas to be closer to her family. I originally told her no but she kept pushing saying that she was going to go. I didn't want to wonder "what if?" and regret not going later on in life, so we moved.
The first couple years were alright other than being home-sick and not having any friends. Her parents and I never got along either, all they care about is money, as long as I can get by and enjoy life I'm pretty happy. I made a poor decision to go ahead and marry her because I was tired of her talking about all her friends getting married and I didn't think I could do any better.
I've been here for 5 years now and I find myself resenting her for making me leave everything I loved to come to this place that I hate. Our relationship is struggling, I haven't made any good friends and my old friends hardly have time for a phone call, her family still doesn't like me, I can't find work that I like and I've got no one to network with nor anyone to support me when I need a shoulder to lean on. I see my family maybe once a year for a long weekend and have missed seeing my niece grow up. The only things that bring me pleasure here are my hobbies (which she constantly complains about) and my dog.
Your mileage is sure to vary but, think long and hard about what you're leaving behind.
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Yikes. I'm sorry for your loss :(.
 
I once got the old "I need some space, you need to see other people" from that "one-in-a-million". I had long ago resolved not to be that old 'will always be there waiting" good guy. I walked. I didn't call her for three months. I saw other people, big time. This was in a fairly small town (Selma, Alabama) so word got around.

We have been married for 42 great years now. I can't imagine life without her, although it took a willingness to live life without her to make it happen.

I think that it is very important for a woman to understand that, although you might love her, you are your own man and are not needily dependent upon her. It is entirely possible to do this without being a jerk. So many "nice guys" get dumped because they can't accept this lesson.

I would not move until I was absolutely sure this relationship was going to stand the test of time. And it is not a one-way street. Moving vans run both ways. Do you want to uproot your life and move for a woman who wouldn't do the same for you?
 
I found my 1 in a million. We dated when she was local...then we broke up and she moved (fortunately only 2.5 hrs away). We rekindled things and, after 2 years of traveling back and forth to spend time together, she moved in with me and is very happy here. I would have moved to her also but my situation was a bit different because she is originally from Mpls and we weren't really that far apart from one another anyway. Had she been in another state, I doubt we'd be together. I have too much to risk losing here...friends, family, financial security, etc. and, if there were ever to be a move, we would both need to go somewhere new to each of us that was mutually agreeable. Good luck to you...remember to keep an eye on #1 without stepping in #2...
 
Yep, moved from Chattanooga, TN to Portland, OR so my wife could take a better job and me closer to her mom. I ended up getting a better job also but only after the move. The friends I've made are great, we love the outdoors so the locale is awesome, and I really can't complain. Take the leap, odds are it'll be a good story to share later in life at the very least. At best, it could be one of the smartest decisions you'll ever make.
 
You have to decide for yourself. Be selfish about it because you will have nobody but yourself to blame. Whichever road you choose, whatever the outcome.

As others have said:
- There is the money thing
- There is the real estate thing
- There is the friends & family thing
- There is the career thing
- Moving vans do indeed go in both directions. Relationships are give and take.
- Every woman is 1 in 3.5 billion.

Go in with your eyes open as they say. Good luck. :thumbup:
 
Once upon a time, there was this prince. He was very handsome and very well educated. He had loving a family and friends, and he was the apple of many a girl's eye. One day, he met a beautiful woman--his one in a million. She was charming, graceful, educated, and sexy. She had a wonderful family, friends, and was the desire of many a man's heart. The prince fell madly in love with his one in a million. It seemed that of all the women he had met in his life, nobody could hold a candle to her. One day, he popped the question and asked her to marry him. She said "no".



And…the prince lived happily ever after. He never had to explain where he was, who he was with, or why he was out so late. He never lost his friends. He dated all of the hot women in the kingdom. He drove nice cars, lived in a very nice castle, and got to travel to exotic places. He did not have to pick up his socks, always put the toilet seat down after taking a leak, or turn off the game to trim the grass around the moat. Nobody ever yelled at him, tried to empty his bank account, or decorate his castle with pink curtains. Etc., etc.

Seriously though, in my mind, if you have to pose the question here, you already know the answer in your own mind. You have a slight doubt. Nobody here will resolve that doubt for you. Go look at surveys about how many marriages last, about how many people are truly happy in a marriage relationship, about how many people who have been divorced once get re-married and how often do those marriages last. Look at how many older single men want to get re-married vs how many older single women. The "what if" in your mind should not just be the "what if I don't move, marry, have kids with her?" question, but also the "what if I do move, marry, have kids with her and it doesn't last forever?" question as well.
 
I've recently contemplated moving out of state, well I've batted the idea around over the last year or so. For me, it's to try and obtain a more secure job with higher wages, etc. The wife is all for it, so long as I do the planning, logistics, buying a house, getting a job first, etc.no pressure right? :rolleyes: Unfortunately it has remained at the discussion level for the last year. Maybe things will change this year. Cost of living here is getting ridiculous and no wage increases in 2 consecutive years are not helping keep skilled workers in the state. Post #10 seems to confirm the major concerns.
 
Reignman said:
Yea, seriously considering it....... watcha guys think?

** Elaboration*
I own a house... cars.... good job...
she lives in her home state with her family (a different one)

I'm debating relocating and ****Trying**** to afford to keep my home until we come to a permanent decision to be closer to her which would mean new job for me, new place etc. She is honestly a very special person, 1 in a 1,000,000 however... I am certain I'll be selling some grails and working my arse off to afford it. I just don't feel throwing the relationship away is worth the potential for a "what if" regret down the road..... I could always find a way to make money.
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I think you said enough. 1 in a 1,000,000! If she feels the same about you, I say your good to go. I wasn't either engaged or married and I moved from Florida to n.c. She had a house there that we had to rent for a couple of years untill we sold it last year. I left a great job, with a great boss behind. Started my own business, in a new location, with zero contacts. We moved for her employment, it was either relocate or find another job.
While there are always difficulties in life, as long as we help each other, have each other, we have a lot more than a lot of other people do.
 
To an extent.

I used to smoke and eat fast food, I did not care for my health. Upon meeting my GF of 4 years, I actually started seeing the future and quit smoking and fast food.
 
Reignman said:
Anyone ever completely complicate your life/change/relocate etc for a spouse?...
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My wife packed up and moved more than a dozen times when I was in the Army.

Two years after I retired I bought her a house where she wanted. I've since had a 96 mile daily commute. She deserves at least that.

We've been married 30 years this year, but truth be told, I asked her to marry me 3 weeks to the day after our first date. We married 8 months later, then zoom - off to the active Army we went. We knew each other a while before we dated (her brother in-law was a friend). I tell you all that simply to say, if you don't want to lose her, don't. If you aren't yet married, ask her to be with you forever then make it so and marry her.
 
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Best comments here so far....
MikeH said:
I can't imagine life without her, although it took a willingness to live life without her to make it happen.

I think that it is very important for a woman to understand that, although you might love her, you are your own man and are not needily dependent upon her. It is entirely possible to do this without being a jerk. So many "nice guys" get dumped because they can't accept this lesson.

I would not move until I was absolutely sure this relationship was going to stand the test of time. And it is not a one-way street. Moving vans run both ways. Do you want to uproot your life and move for a woman who wouldn't do the same for you?
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on_the_edge said:
Seriously though, in my mind, if you have to pose the question here, you already know the answer in your own mind. You have a slight doubt. Nobody here will resolve that doubt for you. Go look at surveys about how many marriages last, about how many people are truly happy in a marriage relationship, about how many people who have been divorced once get re-married and how often do those marriages last. Look at how many older single men want to get re-married vs how many older single women. The "what if" in your mind should not just be the "what if I don't move, marry, have kids with her?" question, but also the "what if I do move, marry, have kids with her and it doesn't last forever?" question as well.
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WHen I was younger and dumber, I married who I thought would be great for me. Visited her state, Arizona, and fell for state, also. Tossed a great career, friends and family, and made the move.

Never regained the career, divorced less than two years later, and broke.

I have overcome, and lead a pleasant, work-a-day life, but some things can gnaw at you a long, LONG time...

Take it slow.
 
sideways said:
The marriage contract is a curious thing. Someone even felt strongly enough about it to create a website solely to warn men off getting hitched. LINK in case anyone is interested.

Again. Eyes open and make your own choice.
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After nearly 30 years of marriage I find much wrong with the article you linked. Starting with the very first paragraph where the author wrote of labels. The article comes off as a man simply justifying his choice not to marry or a man who was soured on marriage and/or women or both.

If as justification, say no justification is needed. Just grow up and simply choose without the need to justify your choice to others.

If soured by a bad marriage and/or women, the first thing I'd suggest to him is what a preacher/old Army buddy always discusses with people he counsels about life's troubles ---- first explore anything YOU did that caused or contributed to the problems in which you now find yourself.

My wife is the best thing that has happened to me, and my family is the best privilege I've ever had.
 
leghog said:
*snip*
My wife is the best thing that has happened to me, and my family is the best privilege I've ever had.
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I am happy things worked out for you. A functional marriage is a wonderful thing. :thumbup: Unfortunately those seem to be the exceptions these days. Half of marriages end in divorce and of the marriages that last they are not always happy ones.

When marriages fall apart things can get pretty nasty. Alimony payments, custody battles, and the inequitable division of property. These things can leave a man (or woman) feeling bitter and used. The legal fees alone in a messy divorce can ruin a person and destroy the accumulated wealth of a couple.

Know what you are getting into is all I'm saying. ;)
 
If you have the advantage of a better job, vehicle and living situation, why are you the one moving?

Just realized this could come off very snarkily and I meant it as a serious question. There could very well be factors at work that make it either impossible for her to move, or would facilitate you moving.
 
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