Ask Betty?

Mr. Blue.

But of course. A farm knife is the ideal implement for preparing Spam on a Shingle. It compliments Top Ramen perfectly and is perfect for every occasion.

I must acquire one of Mr. Kumars Karda's one day. Seems the fish (sharks I think they are referred to) are a wee bit quick for me.

For now a Bashpati and a baby AK fit my needs when the Farm Knife is a bit overkill. Don't really adhere to the overkill philosophy myself, I think anything worth doing is worth doing big, wouldn't you agree?

Best
Betty.

PS- Do be careful with the back shaving, a Siru is not a toy young man. I find proper lighting and a good mirror help with my back, oh dear, I've shared far too much private information.
 
Dearest Betty!
The Insurance company has threatend to cancel my home insurance because I have six cars on cinder blocks and they are too close to the house. She said I had to move em and put them back on the ground. Well...I tole her they dont got wheels and I cant move em. Thats why they on blocks. I did drain the gas out of them tho i tole her but she said that dont matter? An that woodpile next to the house has gotta go. its a fire hazzerd. She also said I had to clear 80" from the house of all the sticks and construction stuff. Says I gotta move that big pile of coke bottles from the driveway too. I tole her thats my 401K plan for when the deposit goes up to 10 cents! Im thinkin its time fer one of them controlled burns. What do you think?

Sincerely
distressed ndog
 
Dear Distressed.

Please don't despair. My heart goes out to you. Remember that insurance people are lawyer types who can't qualify for a real job.
Sadly they most likely won't pay if you ever file a claim anyhow. They call that "the fine print" dear.
I suggest you offer her some of that infamous black berry wine to loosen her up as it were. I'm sure your troubles will be over in short order.

Best
Betty
 
Betty you are a savior! Shes still in the doghouse recovering from the BB wine. Ill untie her soon as the sun comes up. All that distress for nuthin:rolleyes: She kinda liked that little doll I made of her. The likeness was uncanny she said. She didnt understand the little sword pins but I think everything will be ok now. Thank you again Betty. You are an internet sensation already:thumbup:
 
Dear Betty,
I am becoming concerned about the words of wisdom you are sharing with the forumites.
What to do? What to do? First I find that you've been giving guidance to my dog, Maisey Mae.
Now, I find that you have been chatting and possibly running amok with a wannabe Texican VooDoo
practitioner that don't have a license and doing Mardi Gras in the Big Easy is probably as close as he
ever came to attending VDU. I am beginning to think that you are easily bamboozled by cons and
bunko-artists, whiners, half-wits, and charlatans. Or, Madam, you are on the take and are for turning
an easy buck by writing essays on what people want to hear. I shall be checking up on your "advice"
column experience & tabloid journalist columnist credentials with the big boys like National Enquirer,
Globe, National Examiner, and Mad Magazine. I also am coming to the conclusion you are a gold-digger
that would like to get cozy with my new 2015 & 1/2 eighty foot Winnebago, and probably want to visit my two
opal mines down under in Coober Pedy, and no telling what about with my gold pokes tucked away in three
different banks for safe keeping. I'll be watching you with Clint Eastwood Chinese eyes, sister.
I bid a good evening to you, Madam.
Bookie the suspicious
 
Land sakes Mr. Booker, you said a mouthful. You kiss your momma with that mouth.

I do recollect a correspondence with your sweet dog Maisey, sweet name, must be adorable in person.

You've certainly aroused my concerns regarding the fellow down in Texas, seemed like such a nice young fella too. Practicing the voodoo without the proper authority is on the wrong side of the law and I certainly can't abide by that now can I.

Regarding your mentioned magazines and please remember this for future use, the only one you can trust explicitly is Mad. The rest, I swear, well I don't swear actually but I think they make stuff up about folks for the almighty dollar don't cha know?

With regards to your concerns regarding my personal credentials, well my heart bleeds that thee, a man of honor would have such quick and low opinions of yours truly.
Truth is I'm just not that kind of girl.

Now don't let me find you making Maisey Mae sleep on a blanket in the big Air Stream, oh Winnebago begging you pardon. We're all God's creatures and you wouldn't like to sleep on a blanket on the cold hard floor I don't think.

I shall spare no effort in my attempt to raise your lowly opinion of myself. Next to my virtue, my credibility is quite important to me and not to be trifled with.

I bid you adieu and a pleasant tomorrow sir.

Betty
 
In the immortal words of the late great Alfred E. Newman! "What Me Worry!" :D Ill have you know im ordained by the sacred bleeded heart of the Taylors Bayou Fish Camp but only during Alligator season. Out of season I must rest my dolls. Take good care of Maisey Mea or I could have the gator season extended! The game warden is a member here too!
 
Now don't you boys make me come down there and separate you two!

Betty
 
Mercy, I haven't seen this much quiet since my time in the convent.

My little dog Daisy surely hates these noisy firecrackers. Very clingy this evening.

Happy Independence Day everyone.

Best
Betty
 
Dear Betty,
I saw Spam mentioned in one of your previous columns and have been motivated
to memorize the Monte Python Spam skit verbatim. I have sang the Viking's chorus
part for years and Spam is one of my top 3 serious foods, particularly when it's layered
in a musubi. So gimme scrambled eggs and Spam with bacon, Spam, Spam, and Spam,
and if you don't want your Spam, I'll take it. Next week, I'll try the Dead Blue Norwegian
Parrot skit. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Glorious Spam!
Bookie
 
Dear, Spam is one of man's most remarkable inventions and add a little bacon and eggs, well it's an orchestra for thee taste buds.

With regards to the Dead Blue Norwegian Parrot Skit, Parrot taste very much like chicken, a little gamey but goes well with Spam too.

I don't know about the Norwegian, I married one but I never did eat one yet.
 
Such language young man! You find thee 3 bars of soap, preferrably Ivory and chew on them till noon.

I'll strive to cure your potty quickly and efficiently.
 
Bawanna said:
Such language young man! You find thee 3 bars of soap, preferrably Ivory and chew on them till noon.

I'll strive to cure your potty quickly and efficiently.
Click to expand...

NOOOO!!! Not lye and Habanero!!!:eek: Never again Ms Betty! What a coincidence! I just finished making a spam fruitcake with your name on it! PM me your addy and its on the way. With a dozen roses of course:D Dont forget Spam dont need no salt!
 
I'm just so happy that the powers that be relaunched the forum dear! I'm so happy. Hope this doesn't become a regular occurence, quite frustrating to say the least.

As my dear friend John Wayne used to say, a day without HI is a day without sunshine.

While my time here is short I do so look forward to my dear friend aunties DOD's as you refer to them.

Best
Betty.
 
Last edited:
Dear Betty,

I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'm congested and my throat hurts. Do you have any folksy, home spun remedies for a sore throat?
 
Well Mr. blue, you are a frequent flier aren't you? So nice to hear from you but very sorry to hear your under the weather.

Now you didn't hear this from me mind you but these folks that talk about being healthy and vitamins and exercise to prevent illness have got it all wrong.

You need to create an environment in your body that no self respecting germ, virus or other anamoly can survive or wish to be a part of. You've heard the phrase "Rode hard and put away wet)" Well those words my dear are to live by.

Now just like bawanna, I have very little use for bee's. Land sakes here at Aunties I think he saw a fly and mistook it for a bee, thought he was gonna napalm the whole neighborhood! Why I had to toss my glass of ice water on him to cool him down and I think he enjoyed it. You hear that if you don't bother them bee's, they won't bother you. Well I'm here to tell you that's a bunch of horse pukey. (pardon my french). Them buggers sting you at random for no particular reason.
BUT, in this case we need their byproduct, their poop. My you boys are a bad influence, starting to talk like a longshoreman.
Honey, not calling you honey honey, but you need honey. You don't need to find a nest of those onery little flying stingers, buy it in the store.

Smear it on a sour doe bisquit, warm is nice. Wash it down with a little whiskey, not the devils kool aid in this case but medicine don't cha know. Add a little of the honey to the whiskey.

Different folks require different dosages, two bisquits is usually about right, as for the whiskey honey solution, when you don't notice you have a sore throat, your there! Repeat as necessary.

Hope your feeling more chipper very soon.

Best
Betty.
 
Dear Betty,

Thank you again for your kind help. I apologize for pestering you so frequently but I feel that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't avail myself to your wisdom.

I have a jar of honey and a fifth of old grand-dad, I'll take them in alternating measures until I feel better or nothing at all.
 
Now blue, you know your just a sweety pie and love means never having to say your sorry.

I don't know much about wisdom but I'm a graduate of the school of hard knocks.

Old grand-dad is one of my favorites. Please remember not to operate tanks, APC's, Freightliners, Kenworths, Pontiac Bonnevilles, Oldsmobile Vista Cruiser Station Wagons or other heavy machinery while your on the medication dear. I'd miss you terribly if a mishap were to occur.
 
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