Bread Is Dangerous

Joined
Jun 21, 2002
Messages
2,283
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][SIZE=+3]!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!![/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]Research on bread indicates that:[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month![/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica]In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]1. No sale of bread to minors.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial,Helvetica]5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.[/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica]This article was written by B.S. Wheatberry in a desert after consuming mass quantities of yeast bread then realizing his canteen was empty. (seriously :p ) [/FONT]
 
Joined
Oct 25, 2004
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You think that's bad, you should see someone who's coming down from a month long jag of bread and dihydrogen monoxide!
 

yam

Joined
Sep 17, 2003
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I thought you were talking about Bread, the band from the 70's.
 
Joined
Dec 30, 2000
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Wait 'til you see a serious bread-related injury.

Getting hit in the head with a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread is no picnic! That plastic bag provides a perfect handle for your assailant as well.

We must have a law passed banning bread!
 
Joined
Dec 29, 2001
Messages
3,190
The tie wrap/plastic tag makes a solid handle. Two of 'em on a bag a bread and you could have a whole-grain garrote!! :eek: Low life cowardly yeast provokin', bread brewin' bakers. Hunt the lot of em down, ban their dark profession, and melt their ovens into memorial statues for for their unleavened victims.

Bread control saves lives!!!!!


:D
 
Joined
Feb 2, 2005
Messages
19,988
Inmates in prison have been known to let loaves of French bread out in the open for at least three days, and then use them as clubs on other unsuspecting inmates.
 
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Apr 3, 2005
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FoxholeAtheist said:
Not nearly as dangerous as DHMO, if you ask me.

Doh! Beat me to it. Bread is easy for a non-medical professional to spot. DHMO is almost impossible to spot unless in high concentration or pure form. Otherwise you don't even realize you are eating (or breathing!) it.
 
Joined
Apr 3, 2005
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Suicycoprowler said:
I prefer bread in its liquid form. :thumbup:

Now that WILL kill you.

Well, it can destroy your body, but it has been known to save a few minds.
 
Joined
Sep 23, 2005
Messages
169
rhino said:
Wait 'til you see a serious bread-related injury.

Getting hit in the head with a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread is no picnic! That plastic bag provides a perfect handle for your assailant as well.

We must have a law passed banning bread!
Vunder bread hurts, especially when it's been in the freezer all night *BAM*!
 
Joined
Nov 11, 2005
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Bread could be considered a primary carbohydrate source, so I think that this applies.

Zaphod's (from Ars Technica) Law
Any carbohydrate source in excess quantity should be converted to alcohol
 
Joined
Dec 30, 2000
Messages
3,046
Sliced bread is an additional menace. Perhaps the "nose of the camel under the wall of the tent" should be trying to ban loaves of bread that are sliced into more than ten slices. We can't have people running around on the streets with bags full of Assault Bread! BAGS OF DEATH! TO CHILDREN!

For now, ten slices or less will be okay. Then, when someone curiously points out that you can do anything with a 10-slicer than you can with a high capacity bag of bread, then we ban everything but whole loaves.

Of course, slicing it in your home constitutes manufacturing Assault Bread, so that will be a felony worth a minimum of ten years in a Federal pen, plus $10,000.

Once there is only whole loaves, we can send the jack-booted bakers house to house to confiscate those as well, since we'll have instituted a mandatory bread registration along the way.

We must do it for the children.
 
Joined
Dec 29, 2001
Messages
3,190
Ilovetoolsteel said:
If banning bread saves just one life then it's worth it!


You can take my bread from me when you pry it from my cold dead hands!!!:mad:


alibananabread.jpg



As for Alito, I've yet to hear his views on bread control and whether he feels we knead to overturn the half-baked Dough versus Wade ruling.


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